Learn to Forgive -Forgiveness Heals

I want to speak on a very serious subject, one that can plague us well into adulthood and although this happens more to mothers than fathers it doesn't discriminate. No one is exempt, even when we think we have it all planned out and the ONE we are with would never do anything to hurt us ... it still happens. It can exist at any time period in our lives; young, grown, single, married, whatever. I am talking about being a single parent of a child who has scars due to an absent parent. Pull on your capes!!

It usually isn't anything that's planned but as with all plans, some are made to be broken. I was a single mother at the age of 18. After spending four years of my teenage life with a young man I just knew I would be with forever, he up and left his unborn child and I after being told about the pregnancy. For years after that I was bitter and I hated him. I actually wished he would die in 1991; crazy part is, he later told me he almost died that year. Be careful what you wish for people. It wasn't too bad being a single mother because shortly after I met my daughters father, who I ended up marrying before my son turned two. He stepped in where my son's biological stepped out. He and his family embraced my son as if he were their own and years later after our failed marriage, my in-laws have not changed. For the first 9 years of my son's life he knew nothing of his biological father and some times I wish I had kept it that way because after he found out things began to change, he began to change. After meeting his biological father for the first time there was still little to no interaction between the two and at that age my son was still very impressionable. It seems that Harry Potter song (even though it wasn't out back then) "SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES" began playing every single day of our lives.

I did not bad mouth my son's biological father to him but I answered any and all questions honestly. I did not sugar coat the situation because I wanted him to know how I loved his father, how I felt his father loved me and most importantly teach him what not to do when he grew up and became a father. As years went on I would notice whenever his father was mentioned there would be a lot of anger and rage projected from my child. There was lots of trouble in school, then the Florida relocation where there was more trouble in school, trouble with the law then incarceration. I don't place all the blame on his fathers absence but I know it played a big part for his behavioral change.

I won't use this time to bad mouth my son's father because what happened has happened and it is in the past. I have forgiven him for what happened and at peace but this seems to be a very hard thing for my son to do. To this day, when his father is mentioned he becomes almost enraged and it's really troubling to see someone have that much hate in their heart for someone who helped create him. No matter how much I try to talk to him about making amends and forgiving him so that HE can heal it falls on deaf ears. I need for him to understand forgiveness is for him, not his father. It's to help him clear the mind clutter and open up his heart for more love because the hate that consumes him now is making him so dark. I have seen this in so many people that have been victims of that unfortunate abandoned child syndrome. It isn't an easy pill to swallow, that whole letting go process, but it is the best one.

Parents of these children, all you can do which is all I tried to do, is overwhelm your children with love. A mothers love is deep and to supply all the love you can, showing them that no matter who isn't there YOU will be there is always the best route. Don't bad mouth the absent parent but share the good times if you have to share anything at all.

Let them, if they are able to make a connection with that absent parent, come up with their own conclusion and not cling on to the one that is drawn from your ill feelings of being left. They already have enough to deal with in trying to get over the fact that they feel someone who should love them doesn't. I can't stress enough how LOVE IS THE KEY! It won't fix everything but you as the single parent can go on with your life knowing you did all you could to show your child they are loved. You did all you could to show them they were not the reason the absent parent left. Some of the ill feelings can be fixed by the present parent doing all they can but sometimes they can't.

For the young adults who have hate and animosity in your heart towards an absent parent, if you have the chance to make it right ... DO SO! This is not for them but for YOU! Harboring that hate only eats you alive and it isn't worth it. Your sanity, peace AND piece of mind are on the line. If you can't close these doors with the absent parent then forgive them anyway, again, it's for you not them. They have missed out on one of the best blessings ever.