Mother of an incarcerated son - No October visit

This month does not feel the same as I will not be visiting Mayo. It will be the first time in a 'month of moons' that I have not made it to see my son. When I wrote him to advise him of such (as he likes to know so he can put on his FINEST and make sure the head is freshly bald *laughs*) I just knew the little boy I was used to was going to respond but instead he responded in a way that let me know my baby is maturing! It brought tears to my eyes (as does almost EVERYTHING related to my son)!!

He told me he understood but as a mom I just don't like it, don't like it at all. But do you want to know what he said to me? He said "if you could be here EVERY weekend you would, on time and with a smile on your face from ear to ear so don't worry about a visit. Go to VA and enjoy yourself. Send me lots of pix of the family and tell my grandma Avis I love her and I'll see her soon so she can't go ANYWHERE" *tears again* and with that I felt SO much better. It still doesn't change the fact that I won't get to kiss and hug my 1st born in the month of October but it did make me feel a little better.

In response to this I say to you son:

I love the courage, positive attitude and maturity you have shown in your last few letters. I know this isn't the best place for you but it is the place GOD meant for you to be right now. We both know if you were not there I would probably be visiting a "site" putting fresh flowers down and talking up to the sky to you. As I cry I thank GOD for all you're enduring because it seems to be making you a better man, the man GOD created you to be. I did not go through 12+ hours of labor and you're not wanting to be a part of this world for nothing (that's another blog ENTIRELY)!!

I love your choice of books, our conversations...your enlightenment. I love the fact that you are not becoming a "5 %'er", a jail house preacher or talking prison talk. You are simply being the best you that you can be in the last 2 years of your sentence. We both know that as time winds down it will get harder. You will face those "demons" you referenced in one of your letters (the ones whose faces resemble once friends) but as long as you keep GOD 1st and stay true to what it is you are striving to do NOTHING, NO ONE, NO WEAPON formed against you shall prosper.

I look forward to the day that you come home to be a father to your daughters, Miss Daysha and (we pray) Miss Mi'Jael. The joy they both have when they visit you will be NOTHING compared to what it will be like when they can see you on a daily basis. Son, continue to write, as you are an AWESOME writer like your mom *smile* and continue to hone your craft. Continue to prepare those lectures and speeches you want to give to those youth in crisis, telling them how a loving home though strict at times is much better than that make-shift family in the streets, how that street family cares nothing about you once you're not out there anymore...behind bars you are alone doing that time as they continue on doing whatever it is that they do unconcerned with what you may have done for them while you were on the street. Continue to read and broaden your mind on things you would otherwise have never been exposed had you not been MADE to sit down for a bit. Continue striving to be the man GOD intended for you to be, the FATHER your daughters need you to be and ALL that you want to be!

Love you to life son...see you in November!

We will go to Africa, we will go hiking, camping and all the other things you would like to do GOD WILLING!

Mother of an incarcerated son - Am I an ENABLER or SUPPORTIVE?!?!

Have you ever seen the movie "STEPBROTHERS"? Quite the comedy, right? Right! *laughs* But in watching this movie, I saw something that actually touched a nerve. Here you have 2 VERY grown men, 39 & 40, still living at home with their parents and their parents, THOUGH FED UP, allowing them to remain there. The scene where the mother and psychologist were conversing and the psychologist tells the mother "you are an enabler" I felt like WOW, a lot of that sounds SO much like me.

I thought about all the times, from my son's younger years, when he would say to me (in reference to situations with other adults, i.e. teachers, another parent, police, etc.) "I told them just wait till I get home! I am going to tell my mom and she is going to straighten y'all out!" *laughs* He use to say it RELIGIOUSLY! I remember thinking who does this child think I am *laughs* but then I remembered, I was ALL he had!

Now in his young adulthood, I look back over some of his letters since he has been in trouble (2007 - present) and look at the "request" he has asked of me (e.i. call my classification officer, call Tallahassee, find out about this program for when I get out, etc) and wonder if I am an enabler OR simply being supportive?

What's an enabler? Someone who, despite knowing that a behavior is destructive or harmful, allows a loved one to continue to do it.

What's being supportive? Someone that provides encouragement or emotional help

There were times that I felt like my intervening allowed my son to continue on his destructive path. I will say this, I KNOW MY CHILD, every parent should. There were things that people (teachers, other adults) would say that I could right off the back say NO HE DIDN'T and there were things that I could say I AM SURE HE DID also but sometimes as a parent you just have to step back. I am just now learning that I have to, need to step back. Has that been an omen, you think? Did I doom my son by allowing him to utilize me so much? Of course I didn't put it ALL out there, the things I did, but I took the time to search the internet about ENABLERS and I found an article that posed 20 questions and when I answered them I was FLOORED!! Check it out for yourself!!


Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving? YES

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”? YES

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself? SOMETIMES

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you? YES

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain? YES

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person? YES

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know? YES

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life? SOMETIMES

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person? NO

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help? SOMETIMES

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do? NO

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings? YES YES YES

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do? YES

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does? SOMETIMES

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual? SOMETIMES

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments? YES and I have

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time? Sometimes

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems? Sometimes

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems? YES

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation? YES YES YES

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

I was outdone when I saw how many "YES" answers I had and to this DAY I still feel I enable a lot of things but the question is HOW TO I STOP THIS?!?! I've acknowledged there may possibly be a problem but I've done this for so long. Will it be like a drug and cause my son withdrawals when I back off? Hell, will I go through withdrawals? I am an ENABLER who wants to be SUPPORTIVE for the good of my son. CAN I TRULY back away, is it really possible?!?! *sigh*

Mother of an incarcerated son - PART III

Still on my high from the last visit (first time I had seen my son in almost 6 months) it was time to visit again! I have no car still but GOD always makes a way for HIS business to take place. I ran into a really good artist friend in Wal-Mart by the name of Kodak and we began to talk. He asked about my children and I told him about my son being newly sentenced and where he was and after a brief conversation we exchanged numbers and he told me to call him as he would allow me to use his car to visit my son while he was doing his reserve duty. *tears* I never knew how much I was loved for the position GOD placed me in with radio/music until just then. **THANK YOU LORD**

Saturday morning, 04/11/2010 the crew proceeds down 95-S to Brevard C.I. to visit my son for the 2nd time. *singing the Johnson and Johnson commercial* NO MORE TEARS!! *laughs* I was determined there would be no tears on THIS visit, I am prepared from the last visit.

**REWIND** I received letters between visits, things were going on in there that wasn't working well for him. He asked me to call his Classification Officer and request a relocation, talk like this scared me but I did just that. His Classification Officer was a wonderful lady and she advised me of all the things that could and could not be done, what my son's options were and were not. I decided not to write my son about it since we were visiting soon and we could simply talk in person.

**FAST FORWARD** Upon arrival to the prison (I forgot to break this down in PART II) we are searched/patted down, shoe removal to check the soles of our feet and bra's shaken to assure no contraband is being introduced into the facility. They even checked Miss Daysha's diaper!! *rolls eyes* The things we go through to see our incarcerated loved ones but the looks on their faces and the family time spent is worth it.

So Dante' enters the visiting area and he is EXTREMELY jittery, for lack of better words. He sits but doesn't sit, if you know what I mean. Of course, as a mother, I am ALL over it and quick! I needed to know what was wrong because his actions were not setting well with me and almost ruining my visit. He went back to the letters he had written me about some "problems" in the dorm he was in. There were some "gang" activity that he didn't want to be a part of which is what prompted him to ask me about relocation information. He then went on to tell me another inmate advised him that he over heard some other inmates saying they were going to plant a "shank" in his bunk. My son isn't the biggest person in the world but one thing I know is he has heart, he is fearless (too fearless sometimes) and doesn't ACT as if he is afraid of anything and NEVER in his 22 years of living he had NEVER ONCE told me he was scared, not even when he was a little boy BUT this day he did. Soon after this conversation we began noticing that the Correction Officers (C.O.) were looking our way...this made me incredibly nervous! Were they going to end our visit early after we'd driven 2 hours to see him?!?! This could not be happening (over reacting mother mode kicks in)!!

This visit most certainly was not going my way, though my son settled down enough to talk and play with Ms Daysha (as you can see her mouth was going a mile a minute - LOL)!!

Eventually a C.O. came over and asked to see his badge, once they verified it was him he was instructed to stay in the visitation area when it was over. He was not to go back to his dorm. At that point he and I both panicked. They would not give any information but kept a close eye on him, on us, the entire time. This made for a VERY uncomfortable visit! *sigh* I asked my son if they find it what would happen? He said his visitation and phone privileges could be revoked for the remainder of his sentence. WHAT?!?! For the entire 66 months, no visits or phone calls?!?! *faints* This can't really be happening. Well, we will just pray this isn't the case since they check you and your bunk before visitation and he was there with us so they couldn't have found anything, right? WRONG!

At the visits end as we were lining up to live out of the double slamming prison doors we noticed the C.O.'s getting up as if they thought he was going back to his dorm. That was the last time I heard from my son for about a month and last time I saw him for about 2-3 months. When I hadn't heard from him I called his Classification Officer who advised me he had been placed in confinement for possession of a weapon, he could still receive letters but no calls or visits. She advised that an investigation would occur and after the findings are reviewed his fate would be decided. *HAVE MERCY* Corresponding via letter was the only way we could communicate, it felt like we were back to those 6 months from sentencing when I couldn't even see or talk to my child. The things he was telling me while in confinement was sometimes too much for me and I was OVERWHELMINGLY emotional all the time (sometimes I am still).

**LONG STORY SHORT** He was cleared of the weapon charge after about 4-6 weeks in confinement. Shortly after his release to general population there was a prison riot which resulted in 30 inmates being sent to other facilities to include my son. Dante's Classification Officer gave me more info than she was supposed to, she had been exceptionally kind from day one. I prayed where ever he was moved to his new Classification Officer would be half as if not just as nice.

He was relocated to the Central Florida Reception Center (CFRC) after the riot and was there for about 2 weeks while they decided where to send him next. All I kept thinking was PLEASE DON'T SEND HIM TO MIAMI!!! I don't think I could handle that, this prison thing was still so new to me! All I could think about was OZ or PENITENTIARY, the Toss Salad Man...all TYPES of lewd and lascivious thoughts ran through my mind. You hear so many horror stories about prison and the smallest man is always subject to being SOMETHING to SOMEONE, you know? *tears* The things that runs through a mothers mind when her child is going through something she can do NOTHING about and that she knows NOTHING about. My heart felt like it was in a thousand pieces all the time and there was no way I could put it all back together.

He was finally given a new home (please know you are NEVER advised of an inmates whereabouts, you are not informed of any moves. I kept up with him via the Florida Department of Corrections website! I have NEVER been so thankful for this type of website in all my life! He was moved to Mayo C.I., an hour and a half drive from Jacksonville cutting through Live Oaks. *sigh* A new prison, new C.O.'s, new rules to follow...JEESH! I just want this to be over!

...our new scenery! I pray this is the LAST move until he comes home!

Mother of an incarcerated son - Mentors

**I will not give the name of the organization, for I know it to be a reputable organization with wonderful outcomes, nor will I name the Mentor because that is not what this is about. This blog is a PLEA for more people to get involved in being a part of a young adults life who may desperately need it**

For those that read 'Mother of an incarcerated son - PART I' I mentioned that I had to meet with youth offender advocates while my son was incarcerated the first time. During that time I was told my son was assigned a Mentor. Dante' really liked this man, he spoke highly of him when they were initially put together. My son thoroughly enjoyed the friendship of an older male role model WHEN he came around. He spoke of him often, positively and negatively. He said when his Mentor came around the conversation and time spent was great but he didn't always come when he said he would which really hurt my son whose thought process turned to 'this is just another male not keeping his word to me'.

The Mentor and I met, spoke on the phone and corresponded via email during and after my son's release in 2008. I would advise him of what was going on with him, when he would mess up and ask him to come by and share a moment of his time with my son. The Mentor ALWAYS had something going on so my son didn't seem to be a priority. I will admit, I was very angry initially, wondered why the Mentor even took my son on as his men-tee but have come to realize that it was not all the Mentors fault.

I have a wonderful friend who is a part of the organization and he mentors more than 1 men-tee at a time as I am sure several others do from the organization. They are not there just for the criminally troubled young men but for young men in need of guidance, in need of a male role model when there may not be one available in the home or family. Mentors extend themselves long and hard daily, from their own personal lives to the lives of those they want to help but when there are 3 men-tee's to 1 mentor that can be pretty hard!

THIS BLOG IS MY PLEA: if you care anything about the community in which we live in and being a positive part of a young adults life get involved in organizations that provide mentors (EXAMPLE: Big Brothers Big Sisters of Northeast Florida, Florida Mentoring Partnership, 100 Black Men), a little bit of your time can go a long way in a young persons life. I truly believe that had my son's Mentor had the time there may have been a better result in my son's probation but since the Mentor made promises that he unfortunately was unable to keep my son felt let down once again. It doesn't take a lot to someone who has nothing for a difference to be made.

REMEMBER: A LITTLE time can go a LONG way!

100 Black Men of Jacksonville, Inc.
P.O. Box 2065
Jacksonville, FL 32203
Toll Free 800 409-3764
Local Office 904 764-2445
General Email info@100blackmenjax.org

Big Brothers Big Sisters of Northeast Florida
3100 University Boulevard S, Suite 120
Jacksonville, FL 32216
904-727-9797 - phone
904-727-9994 - fax

Florida Mentor Partnership, managed by Volunteer USA Foundation
Phone: 352.237.6685
Teecy.Matthews@volunteerusafund.org
http://www.flamentorpartnership.org/
www.VolunteerUSAFoundation.org

Mother of an incarcerated son - PART II

So NOW we are on to the BIG ONE! I thought surely this wasn't going to be a serious situation because "WE" had gone through so much previously with a minimal amount of time given. I just knew he'd go away for another year or so for the violation but BOY did I know wrong!

**REWIND** My son had a warrant out for his arrest and for about 3 months he was on the run. In the beginning he stayed with me, I did not fully understand what this could mean for me. After speaking with close friends I was explained he needed to go or I'd be in just as much trouble as him. This scared me to NO end because I knew he had no where to live but he surely couldn't stay with me any longer. I could not survive in jail/prison and going for harboring a fugitive was NOT in my future so I asked him to leave. He would call and text begging me to just come and take a shower and lay his head down. As a mother THIS was actually the worst moment of my life because I had to say NO. I would ignore his calls and text and cry to no end when I would listen to his messages. Some calls came at 2 a.m. sounding as if he was crying because he was sitting on a bus bench somewhere with no where to go, no where to lay his head, bathe or eat. So called friends had turned their backs on him, he'd worn his welcome out in many homes so it had come down to this. *the tears wouldn't stop, just like now as I relive this moment as well* When we would speak I would pray and pray for and with him that he turn himself in but he wanted to be around for the birth of his child (Miss Daysha) who was due in December. I had to explain to him if he turned himself in he should get less time and he will at least have a place to lay down, bathe and get something to eat, no more living on the street. This is the end result of wrong doing son, you have to face it. So we talked and prayed and prayed some more for several days...FINALLY it paid off!! On 09/21/2009, I received a call around 10pm, Dante' called to tell me that he loved me, appreciated me for being there and he was about to turn himself in (09/21/09 @ 11:23 p.m. he became #2009040120 in DCJ). So now that he is back in jail, as crazy as it sounds, I was relieved! He is no longer on the streets to be harmed or harm someone else, hiding out at other folks houses and putting them at risk of incarceration.

**FAST FORWARD** Once again I'm visiting, providing commissary and getting involved with the entire legal process, calling the Public Defenders (PD) office and asking questions. As I said earlier, I wasn't thinking that he would get any serious time...after all he turned himself in and it's just a V.O.P., right? They sent him home before so all was good, right? WRONG! I was advised by his new P.D. that the state wanted to give him 8 years and this time they had EVERY possible reason AND intention on making it happen. *phone drops* 8 years...WOW...this is my baby, my first born and he has a baby on the way. What was he thinking? What did I do wrong in life for him to act this way? (in kicks the taking blame for his actions - worse feeling ever)

Every mother, especially single mothers, who has a child in any type of trouble tends to blame themselves at some point in time for the child's misdeeds. "What did I do wrong?" "Was I not there enough"? "Is it because his father wasn't there"? etc.,etc., etc.! All the things we think of that we could have done different, not once thinking of all the things we did right and acknowledging this child just wants to do what they want to do. NAH...that would be too easy and we like to keep and make things SO complicated, don't we? *laughs*

This particular set of court appearances went differently. I wasn't in front of the judge with him but instead sitting out in the crowd. He is an adult now so I wasn't needed. *HMMMPH* Says who?!!?! The P.D. did acknowledge that I was there so that made me feel a little better. Almost 2 months of back and forward with the state, they REALLY wanted to send my son away. He is a menace who'd been given SEVERAL chances to do right. See, this is where all the hand slaps resurface ONCE again. This time he had a NO NONSENSE judge, Elizabeth A. Senterfitt and the P.D. expressed that to me OFF top! You can not appeal to her better nature, she looks at the evidence presented and sentences accordingly. AGAIN I was scared, thinking my son was going to miss the 1st 8 years of his child's life. One thing I did like about this P.D. is how he kept me informed of EVERYTHING! He would call my cell and leave messages about things happening out of the court room, if dates had been changed, etc. etc. I felt this P.D. actually cared.

Back to these 8 years, goodness I was up in arms for a while but thank GOD I have a praying family and friends. Anyone who thinks they can make it without GOD is highly mistaken and fooling themselves! For almost 2 months we were back and forth in court, bargaining to work those 8 years down of which the state was NOT trying to move. So we, as a family unit, began to P.U.S.H. - PRAYED UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENED and it did!! On 11/16/2009 my son was sentenced to 66 months in a Florida State Prison. I fled the court in tears, screaming and pleading to GOD, asking why but my GOD had a purpose and plan. That would be the last time I saw my son in the year 2009.

That "66" made it sound SO long but it breaks down to 5.5 years, better than 8. He'll see his daughter before she starts her 1st year of school is how I looked at it. The week of Thanksgiving Daysha's, then pregnant, mom went to visit him and was advised he had been moved. No information was given just the fact that he was no longer there. Is this REALLY how the system works?!?! They shipped my son out the day before Thanksgiving to the RMC in Lake Butler. I had NO clue that he was no longer in DCJ as you are advised of NOTHING! You want to know how I found out? I had to go online to the Florida Department of Corrections site and look him up! YEP...that's how I found out. The only other way would have been to wait for him to write me, that was not an option. He stayed there for about a month and we could not visit him during this time either. It had been 3 months since I'd seen my son, this was SO not setting well with me.

During this time frame, my beautiful grand-daughter Daysha Michelle Vann was born, December 4th at 1:50 a.m. WELCOME MISS DAYSHA!!

I sent my son a letter with a chronological list of everything that happened; from the moment we arrived at Baptist South to the moment Miss Daysha was born. He said he felt like he was there when he read it; every contraction, the epidural placement, decision to perform a c-section, her birth! I thought it was only fitting since he could not be there for her birth.


As I stood and watched them poke and probe my beautiful new grand-daughter

I couldn't help but cry. My LEGACY had now begun...my name now lives on when I am gone. The fact that my son was not here to join the excitement made the tears flow even harder. She looked just like her father at birth with a touch of her mother.

After the RMC, he was moved to Brevard C.I., in Cocoa, FL. Now begins the road trips for visitation. Man oh man...I was so excited! It had been almost 6 months since I'd seen my son and I was ready to hug and kiss him, remind him of how much he is loved NO MATTER what life has brought his way. I couldn't help but think in the meantime why is my life becoming so complicated?!?! (in time I realized the answer to that question but not at THIS time) Traveling to Brevard with my daughter Dee Dee and his newborn baby girl in tow, it was the cutest thing! She was so oblivious to what she was about to be subjected to but the best part was there would be father/daughter interaction and that was MY concern and focus. This was our first visit since he was sentenced in 11/2009

I cried SO hard awaiting his arrival to the visiting room. An older lady came and sat with me, put her arm around me (I don't do too well with strange folk touching me but she was so genuine in her words). She told me to stop that crying, she knows it's hard but we can't let them see us like this. They have a hard enough time dealing so when they see us we should be smiling and there to uplift them. I explained to her this was my first time in almost 6 months seeing him and his first time meeting his daughter so I was extremely emotional. With that GRANDMA voice she smiled and said that's all fine and well, expressed how beautiful Miss Daysha was but I needed to get it together RIGHT NOW! The first visit or the last visit will always feel the same, our loved one is locked away and there is nothing we can do about it so make every visit a happy, memorable one. One they can take back to their dorms and smile about until the next visit. Though I wanted to tell this lady to get away from me and let me handle this my way I knew she was right. I hugged her back and thanked her for her STERN but kind words. As she went back to her seat I watched her face, she looked as if she wanted to cry as well. It made me feel bad, really bad.

I went to the restroom to wash my face, CRY OUT one last time, get myself together and prepare to see my son. I wasn't happy at all that he was in a Y.C.C. (youth offender camp) because what are the youth of today known for doing when they are in a confined place (club, etc)? FIGHTING! It's an unfortunate fact but it IS a fact! I knew all those young males in a confined space HAD to mean high levels of testosterone and lots of fights...I was right!

Anyway, back to the first visit. I see him walking up the sidewalk, hands behind his back, shirt neatly tucked in his pants looking straight ahead. BOY...they have them trained in there! All of them walked up that way. There was a brief, but what felt like forever, moment where he disappeared. He explained there is a room where they have to be "checked" EVERYWHERE when coming to a visit and leaving from a visit! EWWWWW...that has to suck! *laughs* I met him before he could even get to us. I hugged and rocked and hugged...it had been TOO long! **SN: I don't know how some parents can just up and leave their children, I feel incomplete without mine.** He walked in the area where we were to find his sister, who cried too and his beautiful baby girl. It was so funny watching him hold her, talking to her and getting mad because she "isn't doing anything but sleeping"!! *dies laughing* She was only 4 months so that's what they do after long rides and drinking bottles.

He looked fine so I was content with the world at that moment. The visit went great but as always parting is such sweet sorrow. It seemed those few hours equated to all of an hour, time went by so fast. Watching him walk back to his dorm brought those tears right back, the same ones I had when I arrived, he was gone again...my baby boy. I had to get it together though because at this point my entire life changed. I was attending U.N.F. studying Journalism, had just graduated from FCCJ with honors and a member of PHI THETA KAPPA! *GO ME, ITS MY BIRTHDAY* I was so ready to get my BS in Communications but I allowed his arrest to stop all of that. I could not concentrate on my work, make it to classes...depression set in MAJORLY and nothing mattered anymore. I knew that was a lie because I had a son who truly needed me as well as a daughter and grand-daughter to be here for. *GET IT TOGETHER CHANEL*

The drive back to Jacksonville was a quiet one initially, my daughter and I were both still a bit choked up from the visit, but Miss Daysha's cries QUICKLY changed that! *laughs* Lord I thank you for an awesome first visit and safe travels to and from that day. The next visit would prove to be another life altering visit. It would be the last time I saw him for about 3 or 4 months.

Mother of an incarcerated son - PART I

How do I begin? *sigh* I reckon I will start by saying I love Dante' M Vann to life and no matter what he has done that will never change. We are all human and will make mistakes, its what we do after the consequences of our mistakes that will make a major difference in our lives.

I remember it like it was yesterday: (LONG STORY SHORT) losing my job (due to excessive absences: court appearances & school visits for my son), being evicted, having to turn over my vehicle, separating from my children as we all lived in separate dwellings, my son getting in SOOOO MUCH trouble while not under my supervision & being called by the temporary care giver to come get him NOW because she was going to get evicted with him being there, Community Connections finding us somewhere to live, Dee Dee being sent back to VA because her brother was OUT OF CONTROL to that night that changed his and my life forever, 01/2007 at about 2 a.m.!!

He had been in and out of trouble receiving multiple slaps on the hands by the system but always managed to come home. On this particular morning, I received a phone call advising me that my son had been detained. I was dead sleep, had no car nor did I have any idea on how I was going to pick him up. When I asked could I pick him up in the morning, the officer advised me HE WOULD NOT BE COMING HOME THIS TIME! WHOA!! She then begin to explain he'd been picked up for carjacking at gun point! WHOA AGAIN! **SN: Thank GOD no weapon was found which lessened the time dramatically! He said he didn't have one anyway so again to GOD be the GLORY!**

This is NOT the call you want, as a single mother doing the BEST you can do for both of your children, it seemed as if at this point in time my life was going downhill and fast. **BRIGHT POINT: Thank GOD for the full time job at HOT 105.7 FM! It went from an internship to an opening in the business office and a spot on the Larry Steele Morning Show & my own show 9-0-4KUS RADIO!!** I made it to first appearance court the next morning to see my child in wrist and ankle shackles. You can NOT imagine how that felt (unless you've been in that situation) to see your child bound and you can do absolutely nothing! Tears begin to roll down my eyes (as they are now as I relive this story) as I realized my son was no longer mine but the property of the city of Jacksonville's criminal system.

He spent about 2 months in Duval's Detention Center (DDC) as he was under 18 when the crime was committed but was moved to Duval County Jail (DCJ) on 03/21/07, about 2 weeks shy of his 18th birthday, at which point he became #2007011316. I hated to visit DCJ, it was only once weekly and we could not touch, there was now that thick plastic see through wall between us. At least at DDC we had multiple visits weekly and we could touch. I remember him getting jumped while on the 6th floor of DCJ, saw the bruises *tears again* but he was/is a trooper and fighting was no problem for him unfortunately. It hurt to know there was nothing I could do but continue to pray for his safety and my sanity.

Here begins the months of standing before a judge as if I too were on trial. I was told to PRAY we didn't get Judge Soud as his daughter was killed during a car jacking so he had NO sympathy for car jackers. *GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS* I went to his schools, personal friends of mine and his psychologist to get reference letters, provided them to the Public Defenders AKA Public Pretenders office and wrote Judge Mallory Cooper also to fight for less time as they wanted to give him 10+ years for the crime (maximum sentence is 30 years). Finally he was sentenced to 326 days...I can handle that!! NOW begins the REAL visitations. Along with the time spent in visitation came the commissary, $100 monthly. WHOA!! Totally unexpected expense but it was what it was!

If I heard it once I heard it 1000 times (more from men than women) that I was putting my life on hold for my son, he committed the crime, has to do the time and I should not be putting myself through ALL I was putting myself through as a result of his doings. *HMMMPH* Well, that's easier said than done unfortunately and those men were politely X'D out of my life...one thing you DON'T do is tell a SINGLE MOTHER what she should and shouldn't do for her children, especially her incarcerated son.

For the next 12 months I was subjected to pat downs, background searches, visits with the youth offender advocates (behind the bars up on the 6th floor) and a high school graduation (behind bars also)!

I was not proud of where he was but GOD knows I was proud that he was able to graduate with a DIPLOMA (not a GED) and from the school he attended prior to his incarceration.

As freedom was getting closer I had to find somewhere to live so that he'd have an address to come home to and have some where for his P.O. to visit. After all my years of living on the Westside and residing with folk on the Northside I found a spot in Arlington.

On 06/09/2008 I pulled into that parking lot right outside the jail and picked up my first born! I was SO happy to see him free...to hug him, kiss him, you know...the mushy stuff us mothers love to do and embarrass you in the process. *laughs* He showed me all his paperwork, 2 years of probation and where he had to go for reporting. He was assigned to Mrs Lewis, the P.O. that ALL youth offenders dreaded but she ended up being more of a curse than anything. Don't get me wrong, she was a sweet lady with a stern disposition BUT she was lenient...too lenient in some ways and the SECOND Public Defender said JUST THAT!!

**SN: the system "slaps" these youth offender on the hands when they commit "small" crimes but what the youth fails to realize is these crimes are being added up and when the "big" crime is committed the system puts ALL that on the table in front of the judge which gives leverage to the state for these HIGH BIDS when it's time for sentencing**

OK, now just like the system Mrs Lewis would allow an occasional slip up here and there which in so many ways was enabling the offender, my son. He felt he was getting away with things AGAIN...UNTIL that big moment came and all the P.O. "hand slaps" were placed on the table for the V.O.P. hearing (violation of probation). Dante' wasn't out 6 months before he violated, he was released but still I saw no lesson learned from this child of mine *sigh*. Shortly after that, he had been out for a little more than a year he violated again...THIS WAS THE BIG ONE!!!

What have we started?

What have we started? Don't quite know how to feel.
Is this something temporary or are these feelings real?
Could this be a quick fix to a long time misery?
Or plannings of your next move towards life ever happily?

I'm trying hard with each day I wake to drag my mind elsewhere
I do that every moment but it's hard, so hard I swear
The thought of taking what we had and making something else
Has me constantly blogging and making notes unto my self

I know we loved each other way before this step we took
But now I'm feeling D.I.F.F.E.R.E.N.T., it has me feeling shook
I want to open up, to see our worlds and stars collide
But doing that now, at this point I do not think is wise

It has me wondering more and more about these lines we've crossed
I pray and pray these crossed up lines don't cause a friendship loss
Am I over analyzing? Possibly...yea...maybe so
But that's what happens when really good friends get together, they just let go

No change in you have I seen so why am I even here?
I guess I can't help but wonder what if you get tired my dear
Or what if I tire of this course we've traveled in these 2 weeks past
The things we've done and yet to do, how long will this thing last?

I know our friendship will remain and continue strong
Of that there I have no doubt even with these 'feel great' wrongs
But I just can't help but wonder if or why or what or who
What would it be like, I mean, how would it feel...a life with I and you
I've always wondered, from day one but I know you knew that too
When you read this just remember to thine own self be true

SOCIAL NETWORK CREEPING

When I tell you there are some things in life that should simply NOT be done or tolerated...THIS IS ONE!! Social networks have become a big HUB for "CREEPING" men (I am focused on FB at the moment though)!! I wish men would stop trying to holla when it CLEARLY states you are "in a relationship", "engaged" and the ULTIMATE "married" on your page! It is NOT just a turn off but a HUGE turn off! Once u cheat there is no turning back and when you choose to cheat you have already chosen the fate of your relationship. So with that in mind if you are creeping on her I would be more than a fool to think you wouldn't do the same to me and for those just looking to CREEP but not leave the home situation...GTFOH!!! Seriously...KILL YOURSELF!

Now don't get me wrong, I can not even sit here and pretend that I wasn't EVER the "other woman", in my mid 20's that is what I did!! You HAD to have a significant other in order to get a little bit of my time and I do mean a little. Living and learning teaches you KARMA is REAL so remaining in this mind frame was a road to destruction, a road I did NOT want to travel. So once I hit my early 30's the COUGAR chick set in and carrying the "sideline chick" title was no more! I needed it to be ALL about my "CUB and I" anyways. *giggles*

Men, if you are NOT happy with your current situation...why not just leave? Don't give me that "it's complicated" line, that's old men! I am tired of hearing that one! Stop with all the promises of "I am leaving my wife/fiancee/girlfriend" as those wolf tickets can NOT be sold and will not be bought over in this neck of the woods!

I am truly a "different" creature and I don't think like ANY WOMAN you'll ever meet! I expect HONESTY, nothing more and nothing less from ANY male I encounter! Make your intentions known and stop lying about your relationship status! If it sounds like a lie to me, then that is what it is...PEER-REE-YOD!!! Just tell women what it REALLY is and let her decide if she wants to continue on in your situation. It is SO rude to bring in an unsuspected woman with deceit, that's how you end up with your windows busted and tires slashed.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you CREEP on her, you'll CREEP on me too so stay out of my inbox and miss me with all that hollaring and you have a girl/fiancee/wife! Aight?

OK...I feel better now!

There is NO charity case over here...

Take a walk in my shoes for just a minute if you would. Do you mind? I want to share with you what it is I do on an almost daily basis.

MONDAY MORNING:

7:00 a.m. get up/shower/dress
7:50 a.m. head to the AR6 bus stop
8:20 a.m. arrive downtown (Rosa Parks Station)

8:40 a.m. catch CT3 to Rivercity
8:58 a.m. arrive to Rivercity (go to Paneras or Wam-Mart to waste time)
9:25 a.m. enter my store & prepare for the day
6:30 p.m. I AM FREE!! LOL Head to CT3 bus stop
6:55 p.m. arrive downtown
IF 6:50 p.m. AR6 is running late I jump on otherwise I have to wait for the 7:40 p.m. bus
7:25 p.m. or 8:15 p.m. arrive home

There are some hellified gaps in the time (weekends are MUCH worse) so I am up and out early and out and up late due to the mode of transportation I have chosen. If I have learned nothing else in the past 2.5 years I've learned patience and understanding!! I've also learned that in order for you to do and be better sometimes you have to suffer humiliation, be broken ALL the way down to be rebuilt a new person...prayerfully a better person than before.

NOW...why did I share this? Well what I have run into in the past 2 years are some men who feel because I ride public transportation and live in an "aight" apartment complex that I "NEED" them somehow. When I turn down an offer for a ride, something MUST be wrong with me!! REALLY?!?! Because I chose to use my $40 monthly bus pass that I paid MY hard earned money for something must be wrong with me. *laughs* I truly want y'all to understand that what I do, I do because it is my choice, y'all need to understand that there is no charity case over here. Yes it TRULY gets tough sometimes, don't get it twisted, but having been BOTH homeless and jobless at a point in the past 6 years of my life I don't complain. I have been through worse than being without a car.

Fellas, don't think because a woman is "without" that she is needy and/or dependent on you. If you choose to assist, that is on you. If she asks and you assist, again that is on you but don't feel like you can play on her emotions, her 'lack thereof' OR intelligence because not all women desire your hand out or are looking for that "take care of me" man. Nothing in life is free...there is a price on everything that everyone does and with knowing that "I AM GOOD"!! I am not talking to those who genuinely give and do because they know that's where their blessings come from so please don't think that. This is for those looking to gain a big something from doing a little something, they know who they are.

*WOO SAH*

I feel better now...grinding my gears does this to me! Thanks for listening!!

CUFFING SEASON - I THINK I AM READY...AGAIN!

I've seen and used this term quite often as of late and have been asked by a lot of people what exactly does "CUFFING SEASON" mean. Well simply put, it means that time of the year or season that you want or need to be "boo'd up", ball & chained, Mr & Mrs, etc. etc.!

If you live in the SUNNY state of Florida, as I do, you know we are in hurricane season which brings on lots and lots of rainy weather and some cool temps, right? So when you're "CUFFED" times like these are even the better as you have someone to share that 'down time' with, that 'cuddling', simply 'enjoying yourself time' with. I know you hear me, holla if you do! *laughs*

Now, as for me, I've been single for almost 3 years and coming home from work or any event to an empty apartment has truly began to SUCK...majorly THUS creating the need to constantly discuss the "CUFFING SEASON" term.

As I sit here writing my son, blogging, listening to Sunday Night Football and the rain falling outside something awakens in me. I look over at the empty queen size bed and think THIS would be the best time to be "CUFFED".

No it is not a sexual term, I am not saying I'd love to be on my queen size bed GOING AT IT, nope...that's not what I am saying at all (though it's not a bad thought) but what I am saying is it would be nice to simply enjoy the company of a man, MY MAN, watching the game and cuddling to the sound of the rain.

I read all these status' and tweets about being single and loving it AKA #TEAMSINGLE but I find that hard to believe. EVERYONE needs someone, we were not put here to be by ourselves so how can you find happiness in being alone?

I am not saying you HAVE to have a mate to find happiness because to be honest you should be happy with yourself first and than once you have attained that your soul mate is pretty much a given. I think all that I love being single, I don't need a man/woman talk is unhappiness and instead of checking one self you simply mask it with the #TEAMSINGLE lie.

I am in the "evaluation" process of myself right now cause I feel a GREAT CUFFING coming on and I want to be ready! ALL THE WAY READY!!!

WE ARE JAGUARS NOT FAIR WEATHER FANS!!

This has been a LONG time coming! I've been a fan of the

for at least 6 years and a season ticket holder 4 of them. I know they are NOT the best team and I also know they are NOT the worse team but

is how folk respond to the Jaguars loss, like they are the ONLY team that lost on any given Sunday. One thing I've learned in my journey to loving football and being a Jaguars fan is that very few teams remain on top at all times! They all have to come down at some point in time, those at the bottom (i.e. Detroit Lions) have to come up at some point and there is only ONE Superbowl winner every year!

I am not one for jumping ship when it goes down...grab a plank and drift to shore is my motto! To move from one team to another is so FAIR WEATHER and makes you a BAND WAGONER! My character will not allow such foolishness! I am not fair weather fan. If all teams that didn't do well lost fans to the team(s) doing well for that season there will be no LOYALTY. I know I could NOT date a man who was like that, hell, he'd do that in relationships too! I'M GOOD! LOL

I will NOT lie, I am PISSED off

about today's loss to the Bengals but who wouldn't be if they are TRUE Jaguar fans? It's a human emotion to failure but doesn't mean we will jump the Jaguar ship to another teams ship, that's foolishness therefore we know NOTHING about being a fair weather fan!

WE ARE JAGUARS...so stop asking why! We know LOYALTY...do you?!?!

You call yourself LOYAL?!?!?

LOYALTY: 1. The quality of being loyal to someone or something; 2. A strong feeling of support or allegiance

One thing I've learned in life is that there is NO real loyalty among "so-called" friends. Those you think you can trust the most to provide you with information that may need IMMEDIATE attention or those so-called friends who do NOT know how to control or curb their impulses!

When you are LOYAL you talk to those that may be affected by any said situation to assure that all is well and will be well when said situation is either 1. brought to the forefront or 2. yearns creation.

ANY and EVERY one should take pride in their LEGACY, be a STRAIGHT NO CHASER type of person as it cuts down on misunderstandings and stop lying, especially when you're not good at it! One should NOT tolerate folk who smile in their face while situations are possibly being created behind their back by those who claim to be your friends or LOYAL!

Even when situations have possibly passed and possibly been "squashed" it should be brought to light especially when the creator of the situation feels like he/she is getting away with it. There is NOTHING worse than someone who is allowed to get over at your expense because you never addressed them directly and/or someone who willingly keeps information preventing the ability to make the address.

KNOW THIS...if you have to be checked IT WON'T BE NOTHING NICE...not at ALL!! It may be water under the bridge but please believe that water won't dry up and that it runs deep!

What are WomEn becoming?!?!

So, I'm scrolling my Twitter timeline, reading my Facebook news-feed, Blackplanet and Myspace bulletins and posts and 70% of what I see are half-naked WomEn (percentage may be higher)! In all my years of living I never thought I'd see this day of which we live in now where it has become acceptable for WomEn to be scantily clad all the time. How'd this happen WomEn?!?!?

Coming up WomEn had more cooth about themselves but now, the norm seems to be show all you have for a moment of fame or pleasure even. It pains me to see where our gender is heading! I have a daughter and two beautiful grand-daughters and the thought of either of them heading down this road sickens me!

I am not nor will I knock ANYONE'S hustle, let me clear that right now. By all means, DO YOU because you are the only one who can but at what point will glorifying your sexuality and sex appeal and how men perceive WomEn become a factor OR a thought process for you? I see several posts, tweets, etc. asking for respect from men and wondering why men treat you like they do. Some have the worse attitudes with it too; "WHO HE CALLING A B*TCH" or "I AIN'T NOBODIES HOE"!! You would be ABSOLUTELY correct in that questioning and saying so but the odd part of all this is 90% of WomEn posting these types of statuses have profiles with half naked default pictures or a photo folder FULL of half naked photos. What exactly do you expect men to do with all that?!?!

Know this WomEn, to get respect you must FIRST respect yourself; to be treated better, you must FIRST treat yourself better! Your actions dictate the reactions!!

WE have to be better WomEn...MUCH better!

...that is all

Denouncing my #TEAMCOUGAR card

My EPIPHANY has caused some thought provoking moments here lately! *read the EPIPHANY blog*

As long as I can remember I have been a self-proclaimed member of #TEAMCOUGAR and quite proud of it! There is, well WAS, nothing like the company of a male 10-15 years younger than myself! *Do NOT judge me*! The fun times, conversations (sometimes), activities (WHEW)...the many many things that a "CUB" could pull off that some men my age could not. No...it is not all about sex, not at all BUT it certainly does NOT hurt...FA SHO! *giggles*

Most times with being a COUGAR you are not necessarily looking for a full time relationship but a

,someone to spend time with when there was a need and time to be spent. Someone to enjoy a movie and dinner with occasionally, walk the beach, simply laugh and enjoy life with no restrictions or foolishness.

Huh? What was that? Why couldn't I do this with men my age? Well...that's a GREAT question!!
Answer: seems to be an epidemic of men my age wanting to be 10-15 years younger and acting on it!

What?!? What do they do you ask? Even BETTER question!!
Answer: All of a sudden wanting to grow braids/dreads (knowing full well your hair line does NOT support that and hasn't in FOREVER)! Sporting the fronts, TOP AND/OR BOTTOMS (seriously though?!?!)!! Pants slightly sagging (not as bad as the really young ones but a slight sag - WHY?!?!)! Calling a grown woman "shawty" (WTFDDDA?!?!?) or any other name aside from her own or simply "excuse me miss"!! My list could go on and on BUT the moral of the story is why date a man pretending to be "younger" when I can simply get the real thing?!?!?

I don't know...it's been a crazy ride here these past 9, almost 10 years but this EMPTY NEST has shown me being a team leader and manager on #TEAMCOUGAR is not cutting it anymore. When my apartment was buzzing with my LEGACY it was easier to be a COUGAR, didn't want my children or grand-children meeting anyone anyways. I did not want anyone feeling neglected or left out as a result of my attention and time given to my LEGACY either so it all worked out BUT now...OH but now...it's totally different. There is no buzz of my son, my daughter or grand-daughters on a regular so now it's just me, myself and I. That "hurry up and buy" type of activity is no longer acceptable in my sight! *smile*

At 41 years of age

YES, 41...you see it, I need to be settling down! Life is FAR too short and I am not getting any younger (as my son so POLITELY told me)!! So now, the quest changes!! It's a must that I denounce my #TEAMCOUGAR card and "play" no more but focus seriously on my internal and eternal happiness!

No this doesn't mean I am going on an all out older man hunt, hitting all the online sites or clubbing then going on date after date after date...OH HELLSSSSS NO but what it does mean is it's time to get in-line with my "FATHER" and watch it all fall into place! Feel me? So as much as it pains me to let it go...my platinum COUGAR card

with mile high milage (dies laughing) has to be cut up, shredded and thrown away! As of 10/01/2011 I will no longer participate in COUGARISH activities! This is harder than being drafted to #TEAMNATURAL but it's all a part of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE proudly renamed THE REINVENTION OF MS CHANEL!

D.I.F.F.E.R.E.N.T. - THAT'S ME!

I awaken today feeling different...
I don't know what you did to me but I just...feel...different
Here lately you've been that rock that solidifiess me
...that ship that keeps me afloat in this rough ocean
...that tissue that wipes me tears
...that finger to my chin that lifts my head when it's down and says "it's going to be ok, WE will see to that!"

This morning...I...am...different
I like how when you speak there is no "I" or "me" but "WE"
I like how you cater to my needs
I like how without my saying a single, solitary word you know what I am thinking
I like how simply being around you brightens my darkest of days

I feel so different
What have you done to me?
You took time to find places I didn't know exist
You took time to open up parts of me I thought were permanently closed and off limits
You took time to listen and remember things I'd forgotten I told you

You've made me different
You didn't judge me for my past
You didn't think once about removing yourself from my presence in those awkward times
You didn't turn your back when I was homeless, jobless and felt worthless...instead you put your back to mine and stood with me

D I F F E R E N T...that's me:

Definitely
In this
Friendship
For
Ever
Realizing
Everyday is a
New day
Thru and with you

For ALL of this...I LOVE YOU!