I Thought I Had on my Big Girl Panties - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

June 1 2014 was the day my son walked out of Baker County Correctional Institution as a free man. He had been gone since November 2009, I remember it like it was yesterday.

This was also the day I vowed THIS WAS IT!! I was done. I had spent a fair share of time between the Duval juvenile detention center, the Duval county jail and about four of Florida's finest hotels AKA prison facilities from 2006 to 2014. I have dealt with Florida's rendition of a JUST-US system from court dates and appearances, public pretenders, prosecutors to include the wicked witch of the South Angela Corey, body searches and scans, loud clinking doors that I was not allowed to move through one until the one prior closed AND $100 monthly for commissary, sometimes more. Thinking back now, I honestly do not know how I did it but I did. Right now, I am desperately trying to figure out how I did it as I think about how I could have been saving all of that money and how I can reenact that into savings now! Anyway, there I was learning about the system at the expense of my son at a very early age. A time were he should have been learning how to drive, going to prom, walking across the stage to get his diploma, playing sports, thinking about the next move after high school but he was doing everything but because he belonged to the state of Florida criminal system.

Most of you know but some of you are still in the dark ... as of February 22, my son is back behind bars. This time it wasn't nearly as tough for me, getting that call, as it had been in the past. He always reminded me he was grown and almost 30 so my thought was you got it Mr. Grown Man! I was good for the first few days but then I went downtown to walk the bridges, something I had not done in a few months but on this day, the one day I felt a real push to go, I was unable to finish. Why? Because I could see the Duval County jail from the bridge as I was crossing. I could feel the negative energy that place holds and it was pulling me down knowing my son is in there. My usual brisk, happy walk/jog turned into a slow stroll of weeping, tears and affirmations of how I was going to be ok with it all. I thought I was over this part. I thought I was going to be just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine WHEW (in MJB voice). I had finally put on my big girl mama panties and I was moving on is what I thought but all of the same old emotions that I felt in 2006 and 2009 came flooding right back. It had been a full week, 7 whole days (in Toni Braxton voice) and I had yet to cry but that changed quickly. Rafiki said "change is good". Right now I disagree.

Two days after his arrest, one of his daughters, MiJael, turned 8. His daughter, MiKaela, turned 1 February 10. He was there for the one year old birthday party but missed the older ones party due to his being detained. It wasn't the best day for my granddaughter and her tears broke me down even more. I don't think fathers realize how much of what they do directly effects their children.

I've been attempting to complete this blog since the day I walked the bridges, March 1st, and each time I would start I would begin to cry. Today has been the first time the tears did not take over. No matter how hard I think I am being and sticking to my guns of not getting involved it does not lessen the pain of feeling I somehow failed him. No I don't blame myself because I know I did the best I could to raise him right and provide a loving home life for him but I fear my enabling played a part. That is the part that hurts. A lot of us single mothers do not realize how much we enable our children until it's too late. At this point I can only speak life and positive vibrations into the universe for my son. I only create greatness in any and everything I do so my hope is that he gets it right after this set back. His potential for greatness is immeasurable so to the universe I say let him use this set back to increase the power in his come back which has only been delayed.

And to the Most High I ask for peace and piece of mind as well as the strength to remain focused on my goals and not allow this present situation to dull or stop my shine because this is my time!