Mother of an incarcerated son - KEPT AWAY FROM FLESH & BLOOD: PART II

DNA RESULTS COME BACK...she is OURS!!

Yes, this beautiful little princess belongs to the VANN CLAN!! With looks like that I should have known, no matter how much I prayed against it, she truly exhibited the genes only COOPER blood could make mixed with a little bit of Vann. Why did I pray against it you ask? (if you read PART I you already know) I already knew what I was up against considering our past situation and the fact that we (her mother and I) have NO type of relationship whatsoever and probably never will which means I'd probably never have the relationship with this grand-daughter that I have with Daysha. Drama'd out situations usually don't get better when the lifestyles of those involved don't mesh. The thought of that saddened me (still does to this day) but yet I prayed. I knew if ANYONE could change that my FATHER could!!

**REWIND** She would cry the entire time when she would come to visit. I didn't allow her to be dropped off initially because this was new to all of us, including the baby who was just a little older than 6 months old when she was actually said to be ours and now older than 1 at confirmation point. I don't believe in traumatizing children like that. Yes, she had to learn us, true enough, but leaving her with what she saw as "strangers" was not the answer in my eyes.

**FAST FORWARD** When ever Daysha was over I'd ask for her to come so that the sisters could get to know one another. It was difficult with everyone being car-less, both mothers of my grand-daughters and myself but one thing I will say is if Daysha's mom needed me or I wanted Daysha WE made way for it to happen. I can't say that much for the other mother. There was ALWAYS some type of excuse when it was time for her to come visit but had no problems making a way to go out or anywhere else they wanted to go...most times leaving my grand-daughter with others. It was amazing to me how I was the "bad person" in this situation because I spent more time with Daysha but that wasn't my fault.

We, Daysha's mother, other nana and I, formed a family unit. They understood my son would not be here to help with my grand-daughter for the next 5 years so a bond was formed to assure that Daysha knew her fathers family. Our bond is so strong that I can stay the night as often as I please provided the spare room is available. Holidays when I can't go home to VA and be with my family...they take me in. That is the type of relationship any nana wishes for especially since your son and grand-daughter's mothers aren't together.

Goodness my son makes some beautiful children. So many resemblances down to the facial expressions!*laughs* These are nana's babies! They are indeed my GOD SENDS! I asked for them and here they are...that was my thought process in all of this.

It took a little time before I felt she was ready to stay over and when she did she was fine! It wasn't until after she began visiting with her father, my son, that things seems to get "funny". If I wanted her for a weekend, on a good day, I'd get her provided her mother didn't change plans on me last minute or just neglect to call and say she's not coming. I'd call and text with NO kind of response and when I finally DID speak to her it was "Oh Miss Chanel I am sorry, my family had plans" or "Oh Miss Chanel, my lil cousin was having a birthday party", etc. etc. Ok, did you not know these things were going on BEFORE you agreed to let me keep her? My daughter and I would change plans and make arrangements to have her but people aren't as considerate to our efforts is how I felt. This is the type of stuff I had to deal with ALL the time yet I could see you posting status about "working" in Tampa or Miami or wherever else you wanted to go WITHOUT my grand-baby sooooooooo where was she??? Who was keeping her? Why did you never call me or my daughter to watch her while you went away? Was getting to know the other side of her family REALLY important to you OR did you just want to show folk who your "baby daddy" was with a few prison pictures?

*FAST FORWARD* I can't do this anymore, raising a baby...not by myself. My extended hand in help went ignored! PART III


***NANA LOVES YOU MI'JAEL C VANN***

Mother of an incarcerated son - THANKSGIVING (through the eyes of my son)

I received a letter from my son today. It was in response to my Happy Thanksgiving letter/card:

"Queen,

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving or believe in but I hope you enjoy (enjoyed) yours! On this day a cracker named Christopher Columbus came to America, after dropping slaves on the islands, with a boat full of slaves and a disease called Herpes and took over the Indians land. Therefore putting slavery into effect on the "land of the FREE"! I have a distaste for everything now pretty much and my favorite quote comes from Elijah Muhammad! He said 'This is the hate that hate created'! No, I am not a Muslim but I am aware of the European American (white man) traditions and customs we accepted thru religion, which has been carried and passed down thru generations."

It's amazing what being made to sit down will do to you. Don't judge him by his terminology used or his thoughts, only GOD can do that. I am glad to see him opening his mind and broadening his knowledge on history or whatever else he deems necessary. Continue reading son!

Love Mom

**just wanted to share some thoughts from my son**

Mother of an incarcerated son - BLOG LURKERS

This will be a very short and to the point blog and will address those lurking through my blogs, especially the "Mother of an Incarcerated Son" series and the new entry "Kept Away from Flesh and Blood". I hope you all have found what you are looking, excuse me, lurking for! I am not one for displaying angry emotions on social networks so PLEASE DON'T PUSH ME!

Anyone that has an issue with me, my son or anything I write about my son and our situations bring them to me please. Bringing other people in to answer questions that they can not possibly answer without speaking with me is unnecessary and uncalled for. My number has remained the same for years, unlike some of you lurkers, so you can always holla at me DIRECTLY!

Bashing my name, my son's name or simply hating is that immature mess that I don't involve myself in. That is the main reason why those that are involved in that type of activity are not allowed in my circle of life. I will miss one of the most important parts of all this in my life as a result but my FATHER has that in HIS hands.

I hope you lurkers ENJOY my blogs as much as I enjoy writing them! If you have any contributions by all means share them with me! If they fit in a blog I'll be sure to use it! Be blessed ALL!

Mother of an incarcerated son - HOLIDAYS 2011

Holidays are looked at as a joyous time of the year for most, right? On 1 hand, some people hate the hustle and hassle of cooking, shopping and the thought of all the money they will spend. On the other hand, some folk love the thought of family time, receiving gifts, gift giving and simply love what the holidays represent. I, on the other OTHER hand, am NUMB! This time of the year has not been the best for me, at least for the past 3-4 years. This year is going to be extremely different as its my first year with a completely empty nest. It would be different if I had the type of job that had weekends off or didn't require so much of me at the holiday so I could go home but I don't so here I will sit. *sigh*

Yes I can go visit my son and I can't wait to see him, its been since September, but that atmosphere takes a LOT out of you. The thought of having to see him there gets easier as his time goes by but it gets no easier on my heart knowing that it will only be for a few hours and then away we go for another month or so. I can't visit my daughter though as my schedule does not provide any real "get away" time to get to my family in VA. It's been over 5 years since I've spent any holidays at home with my family and this empty nest is making the thought of that even worse.

This is the 2nd holiday of this kind for me, with both children far away, and it doesn't get easier or feel any better. I tell you its crazy to think back to how we get excited about the time when our children will be out of the house but when the time comes you wish it could all come back, just for a little while anyway. I know a lot of it is my son's circumstances, his life choices that has me down but I can't change that. I just pray my FATHER is in his future life choices.

Oh well, that's all that was on my mind as I sit here on my day off wondering what I will do for the holidays. This is truly the time when being single isn't easy but it is DEFINITELY not a reason to go out and get involved just to have someone at the holiday!

Mother of an incarcerated son - KEPT AWAY FROM FLESH & BLOOD: PART 1

Question to the mothers of sons: has your son ever dated a young lady that you just wished he had made a different choice?

I get a call in August or September 2009 advising me of a possible pregnancy, its between 2 men and my son is one. I must say, that took a LOT of courage and nerve to put that out there BUT I had only the UTMOST respect for her for keeping it real. I also have to be TOTALLY honest and admit, THIS phone call immediately sent me in to PRAYER as this was the SAME young lady who I was advised had my son jumped in the club and who, when I asked her not to call my home ANYMORE at the request of my son, called me out of my name. YES, she called me the "B" word *the horror*!!! I have NO respect for anyone who has no respect for me.

I didn't hear anymore from this young lady until she went into labor. After the baby was born I asked for a picture and I have to say she and Daysha looked almost IDENTICAL at birth. I showed the picture to Nana Danielle and she asks me when did I take that picture of Daysha and was TOTALLY shocked when I advised that was NOT Daysha. Both have the signature COOPER forehead that Dante's father so lovingly shares with all of his children and grandchildren! *laughs*

Things got a little crazy at this point, especially for the next 6 months, because all of a sudden this baby was the other young man's baby. Pictures of the baby and her "daddy" posted all over Facebook with folk commenting on how much she looked like her "daddy". I didn't QUITE know how to feel about all this, I mean, you called me talking about it may be my grandchild and then pretty much snatch her away. Now keep in mind no DNA testing of ANY kind had been done to determine who the father is but this is "daddy". What I think it really was? This is who you wanted the father to be so that's how you played it...until the tables turned! It wasn't until the the mother of the "daddy" got involved that the gears shifted. She wasn't accepting the baby as her granddaughter so now you're calling and wanting to get my son's info so he can be tested, MIND YOU, this is 6 months in to the baby's life.

**SIDE NOTE** Being a "nana" is a very special job and takes a very special kind of person to truly execute this GOD given task!! I simply can not imagine missing one moment of Daysha's life, the first 6 months are so essential.

By now I am really feeling some kind of way, what exactly IS the deal here?!?! So this is the point where you are now bringing her around and getting acquainted with Daysha's mom Ashlee, when you can. This was a really important and adult move on both of the mothers as they are young and share a "baby daddy" who , for whatever reason, brings drama to situations. Why my son??? Anyway, things seem to be going fine UNTIL you want to get jealous and feel like I am showing favoritism!!! *drags needle across record* WTF?!?!??! Now I am a bit more confused and pissed off as: 1) we still don't know if she is my son's or not (although the results of the other "daddy" came back not the father) and 2) I've been with Daysha from DAY ONE! It would be crazy to think my bond with her would be any different than its always been. I have to get to know the beautiful little girl you are introducing into our lives 6 months later.

You then begin writing my son filling his head with that foolishness about favoritism like he was gon' check me, really?!?! NO ONE puts funds on his books but ME! NO ONE goes to visit him but ME on a consistent basis so imagine him doing that...RIGHT! So moving on...this goes on for a bit, this favoritism conversation to the point that now Ashlee, Daysha's mom is feeling slightly offended. The icing on the cake; I take Daysha to VA to meet the Vann clan and all kind of negativity pops up on Facebook. Like what you ask? Well your daughter doesn't need another side of the family, you and your family are all she needs, stuff like that. When this is brought to my attention and I address it you try to tell me it wasn't meant for me but for the other "daddy" family. Did they really care, she wasn't their family?? (I guess I was born yesterday)


It had gotten to the point that (STILL pre-DNA results) I took Christmas gifts back!! You are so mad that you tell folk "she ain't gotta buy my baby nothing" then 2 months later you ask are we coming to her 1st birthday party, like really??!!? You don't bring her by, you talk crap about me and now you want to know are we coming? You should have already known the answer to that. So here again, the baby is snatched away (2nd time since birth and there is 1 more MAJOR take away).

DNA results come back...


***NANA LOVES YOU MI'JAEL C VANN***

Mother of an incarcerated son - OPERATION RELOCATION

I was fresh off of a weeks vacation from home (Virginia) and I was feeling some kind of way about my remaining time in Jacksonville. My son and I have talked on a number of occasions about relocation but relocating back to VA was never an option (probably really on my behalf) in any of them but this most recent visit home made me realize how much I missed being home...with family. It rekindled an old flame and simply made me feel like I wanted to be there more so than anywhere else.

*REWIND* I remember attempting twice to relocate back to VA. It seems every time I would start making preparations (job hunting, apartment hunting, etc) the devil would stick his ugly head in and make sure I was stuck here! In 2007 was Dante's first arrest and then again in 2009. It seems that whatever GOD had for me was NOT in VA but right here. *FAST FORWARD*

My parents are up in age and health not the greatest so I would love to spend more time with them but then I think of my grand-daughter, how much I'd miss Daysha. It's tough thinking about leaving this little lady who's life I have been a part of since the day she was pulled out of her mothers belly but I know by the time her father comes home she'll be in Pre-K or K so I'll just get her on holidays and summer vacations. I can dig that!

So I receive a letter today (11/15/11) from my son and he says he is ALL FOR going back home, home is where the heart is, where there is love. He knows, aside from his daughter(s), there is NO love in this city for him, there are folk locked up and on the street who wish him a horrible ending.

It truly made me cry and smile at the same time when I read the letter. I am so glad to know that I can finally go back home for a while. I have gotten the taste of living away from home now so to up and relocate again will not be as hard, thank GOD. My son's incarceration has opened doors for both he and I, this time we'll just be sure to walk through the RIGHT ONE!!

Mother of an incarcerated son - GODS WILL BE DONE

"Sometimes the pain is SO great that you don't see the blessing in it and want to forget it BUT if you forget you can't get the full benefit of the blessing associated with the pain" Pastor Merriner, Grove Baptist Church

I remember all the times I stayed up late at night, crying, praying and wondering where my son was. If he was OK, if he was ALIVE even because I surely didn't know. I could not understand for the life of me why he was doing what he was doing. He was being VERY disrespectful and defying all house rules, especially curfew.

I remember him dating a young lady who lived in Eureka Gardens (not the best apartment complex) and when he didn't come home for a few days nor would he answer his cell phone I went to her house (keep in mind it was 1 or 2 a.m.). He was sitting outside when I rounded the corner and told me to please go home, this wasn't the place for me to be right now. I told him I wasn't going anywhere unless he got in the truck and came home too. At that very moment, gun shots rang out. My son calmly told me to "duck down ma" and I did as I was instructed. He remained standing so I stood back up at which time he told me again "duck down and stay down ma". As I LAID down trembling in fear I heard a young man screaming "SOMEBODY HELP ME, HE'S GONNA KILL ME" at the top of his lungs. I rolled over to see this young man running as fast as his little legs could take him in MY direction. I looked further over and saw a young man with a gun in his hand. I can't say my presence was the reason that violent act ceased because I was down on the ground and not even sure if either male saw me but I will say I think that child is still running to this day and that has been over 5 years ago. As I got up with tears in my eyes, scared to life I pleaded with my son to come home. He all but ignored my plea and requested VEHEMENTLY that I leave the area as it was not safe for me but all I could think about is it's not safe for him either. I did eventually leave...with out him.

On another incident, I remember him rushing in the house with blood running everywhere but the source, at that time, was unknown. My daughter and I were up in arms as he ran through the house to grab "something" to retaliate with! Before he could get back out of the door I grabbed him to assess his face, it was actually his bottom lip which looked torn off and it was going to require stitches. It took a lot of help and holding to get him calmed down enough to get him in check and in the truck. Several hours, several stitches and couple of prescriptions later we were back home. I heard there was a retaliation but that is neither here nor there at this point.

^^^**BOTH INCIDENTS ABOVE WERE PRE-INCARCERATION**^^^


On another occasion, a club incident which led to punching someone in the mouth and his entire hand getting infected. Who ever he hit tooth broke the skin of his hand, infection set in and it was swollen up to the wrist. So here we go again with another ER visit, x-rays, injections and prescriptions. This infection didn't immediately go away and caused quite a bit of "ruckus" around the house.

Last incident (that I will talk about), he and a friend were jumped in the club, wasn't the first time for that either but this one was different. I would always hear about the club fights but never saw visible signs of a fight...I did this time. He had a huge knot on his head, his back/chest/arms were black and blue, he could barely move and I think his ribs were broken but he would NOT go to the ER this time for what ever reason no matter how much I begged. It was said this was a set up by one of the females he had messed with, considering the person named I wouldn't doubt that either.

OK...where is this going, right? I did all of that to say this, as much as I would like to forget all the pain associated with my son's incarceration (both times) and the acts that lead up to them I can't for if I did I would lose sight of the blessing that came along with all of this. What blessing could come out of this, you ask? Well...my son's life! The fact that he is still able to breath, live and come home to become a productive member of society.

It truly pains me to see my son serving time but I know it was a blessing from GOD. He stayed getting into trouble and if it had continued I honestly believe I would have been buying a black dress and planning a funeral. These streets are not kind nor are the folk who like to dwell in them. I'd be lying if I didn't come right out and say I truly believe Satan lives in Jacksonville, FL! This city seems to bring out the WORSE in folk. People will argue this happens everywhere and they would be right but I am not everywhere...I am here in Jacksonville. I admit I have time to breath now, inhale/exhale deeply with my son behind bars because at least there I know I can see him, touch him, listen to his stories and know that he will live to see another day and have another opportunity to get it right...GOD willing.

In all of this I have come to realize that not ALL bad things are bad, there are some good...NO...GREAT things that come out of some bad situations and I look at this as one of them. Not only will he be a better man (claiming that in advance - speak it though it is so) but I too am a stronger person, in life and in Christ. I have been humbled by some of the most humiliating situations in my life but they are only set ups for the bigger stage my Father has for me, the same goes for my son as well as my daughter who also was greatly affected by this entire situation (that is another blog).

I often look back to where I came from (homeless, jobless, childless, feeling worthless) to where I am now and I remember, once again, Pastor Merriner's words "Don't look at your 'back then', look at your 'now'". My Father has delivered us and its on to bigger, better things now.

GODS WILL BE DONE - HE SAVED MY FAMILY, ESPECIALLY MY SON

Mother of an incarcerated son - GOD SENDS

Being in Jacksonville, Florida alone, no other family besides my children and I was hard. It became even harder when my son began his run with the law. I remember crying out to GOD on a daily basis, when my son was on the run, praying for something to help keep me sane, grounded and my mind off of the fact that my son may be going away for a very long time. I needed something, someone to assist in keeping me on track while my son was away because rather anyone knew it or not I felt a nervous break down coming on and fast!

During all my talks with my FATHER I found out I had one and a possible grandchildren on the way. THAT was overwhelming but I've always heard 'be careful and VERY specific" of what you ask GOD for because he will give you JUST that! I didn't quite know how to feel about the thought of having grand-children who will not have the benefit of their father being a part of their lives, the part that is so important in a child's life. Those tender years when they are so impressionable and vulnerable to the world around them, the time when fathers are SO crucial and important. I felt some kind of way about them growing up like their own father...FATHERLESS!!

December 4, 2009 Miss Daysha Michelle Vann was born. It was a day that would forever change my life, my way of thinking and being. I was there for her birth and have not been out of place since. It's like she was put on this earth JUST FOR ME! She has been attached to me from day one. Don't believe me? Ask her mother, her other nana, her auntie Dee Dee...you can even ask her father, who gets upset with her actions during visitations!!

She is MY baby! *laughs* She has been my little Rock of Gibraltar. Along with Miss Daysha came a family I can ONLY thank GOD for! Her mother Ashley and her other nana Danielle are truly GOD SENDS and have been that way since before my little angel was born.

Now, the possible, who we met when she was about 6 months, turned out to be a FOR SURE shortly after her 1st birthday if my memory serves me correctly. February 24, 2010 Miss Mi'Jael was born. I missed her birth and the first 6 months of her life but once allowed in I did what I could, took her to see her daddy

and that was love at first sight (as you can see). It's truly unfortunate that this beautiful little lady is no longer allowed to be in our lives (that's a separate blog).

I find utter joy in being a nana! As both Miss Daysha and Miss Mi'Jael approach the 2-year-old mark I realize just how much time has passed for my son's sentence. I haven't had a chance to stay focused on the 66 months he was sentenced to serve as I've been watching these beautiful babies grow (one more than the other sadly to say). I am so thankful that I was blessed with a little piece of my son as he serves his time. A piece of him I can love on until he is home and able to love on them himself.

There is NOTHING like the love of anything GOD blesses you with!