Loc'd for 50

So yea, I did a thing. Actually, my daughter did a thing for me. I had been talking about loc'ing but I was also procrastinating heavily about it. First I said I wanted to let my hair grow longer but the more I saw my growing afro I wanted to go sit in my barbers chair and get another BIG CHOP! This would be my 4th or 5th, I can't keep up.

Then I said I wanted loc extensions BUT when my loctician told me to purchase human hair, well, that ended that idea. You see, I am BIG on energy and my not knowing who this human hair once belonged to vexxed me. I needed to know how this person lived. Did they take care of themselves? Did they smoke, drink or do any type of drugs? What type of things were they into period. I did NOT want any negative energy tied to my soon to be growing locs so THAT was out.

And then, and then and then, and then ... I could go on but all the "and then" did was cause major delays in the process. I said I wanted to get these loc's going during my #Journeyto50 and at the rate I was going it wasn't going to happen. I have to thank my daughter DeeDee for pushing the gas pedal on this process. She sat down and coiled my hair for me so I could see how I'd like this stage. I hear so many people talk about the ugly stage and for me, that could only be the extra short starter locs.

I've seen so many young men, some grown men too, walking about with those wicks in their heads. They truly look like little candle wicks and I was NOT going to do that but once she was done and I fine tuned a few pieces I FELL IN LOVE!! Want to see?

Listen, ALL I need now is an AWESOME eyebrow makeover! I will have that done sooner than later but let me hear what you all think about my starter locs. I am excited to begin this journey. September 16, 2011 is my natural hairversary and now September 26 will be my locversary. I have been transitioning in a major way these past 2 years. Enjoy this part of the journey with me. Maybe I'll inspire you to join me. #LocNation

A letter to my Children - I Apologize

The hashtag #GrowingUpBlack was trending really hard a few years back. These same memes, with a few new add ins, resurface around the holidays via social media and when we get together with family and friends. Anyone approximately 35 years old and up laugh and joke about the joy of being raised in a black family with comical emphasis on the disciplinary part. I remember the days of picking out our own switch. It had better not be a bad one because if the elder had to go pick one it would not be good for you. It quickly escalated from picking the switch to counting how many welts you now have all over your arms and legs or any part that was hit.

We laugh about being disciplined by whatever an elder could get their hands on - race track parts, shoes with or without heels, wooden fork or spoon off grandma's kitchen wall, cooking spatula, belt with a big buckle, backside of hand, etc. God forbid you actually dodged the disciplinary tool of choice because that glare of death you were sure to get was almost worse than the hit itself. YOU KNEW YOU WERE REALLY GOING TO GET IT!!

This is just one of many stories we share with each other. We then justify these actions by saying "but we turned out alright, didn't we?" Or "we didn't die!" I spoke on and laughed about it just like everyone else, that is until I was blessed with grandchildren. My daughter sent me this post a few weeks back and I laughed at first but then I became very sad.

Yes, I am that grandmother that will get angry if you even speak of disciplining my grandchildren. Nothing they could do would warrant putting a hand on them.

That thought process all seemed okay until I had to ask myself, why weren't my own children afforded that same courtesy? My children, more so my son, caught everything about the #GrowingUpBlack disciplinary part, to include the yelling. He caught it because I caught it and passed it on to him. I thought this was the way it was supposed to be. Why didn't my daughter get it? She learned what not to do by watching her brother so she stayed clear of corporal punishment, just like my younger sister.

This meme is such a perfect depiction of what growing up the oldest child is like. It sucks being the 'parenting guinea pig' for parenting rules. It sucks getting punished for everything of which your younger siblings will NEVER be punished. It sucks catching all of the younger siblings punishment because "you're the oldest, you are supposed to set the example!" What a crock of bull! If I heard that once I heard it one million times. Unfortunately, so did my son.

You know that old phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child"? This is a phrase I heard often as we were raised in a family that lived in church. Most of my life I thought this phrase was biblical but not too long ago read it is not. Yes Proverbs 13:24 does say "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." The explanation given does not mean to physically strike a child but to lead and guide with the rod like the Shepherd did to their flock when they steered off course. It is said they did not hit the sheep but merely use the rod to guide them back on the right path. I am not here to teach but I wanted to drop that small tidbit in here. Not knowing this at the time I became a young mother, I simply knew I didn't want my children to be the spoiled ones so I did what I was subliminally taught to do. I was not told to hit my children at any point in life but your only lessons on parenthood comes from how you were raised for the most part. Do NOT get it twisted, I had a GREAT life ... would not change a thing about it but what I would change is how I raised my own children.

I would have the same thought process that I now have when it comes to my grandchildren. I would change how I respond to the disobedience. I honestly don't think I would physically discipline them the way I did, as much as I did. Every action did not require the reaction I gave but I knew no other way. I did to them what I received every time I was disobedient. It pains me that my son has those kinds of memories. On so many occasions he would say I don't love him and that I love his sister more. He felt this because she rarely ever got in trouble and when she did, if he was around, he ended up getting it all. Any of my readers who are the oldest child overstand this? Can you relate? I share that same story as my son but my story did not have to become his story.

For my daughter, it was different. Although she didn't get much from the physical aspect of #GrowingUpBlack, she did get a 'lack of emotional support'. She also expressed how she felt I loved my son more especially when he began getting in trouble with the law. One thing we as parents, with more then one child, often forget is to equally distribute the attention. It's not intentional but it happens. I spent so much time focusing on my son's issues that I inadvertently neglected my daughter and her needs. When she was going through life changing events I wasn't there. I let her down. To this day, there are things she will not talk to me about on the strength of my actions. As a parent this hurts to know my child can't, won't come to me about everything. Having parents that listen is so important. It creates children that believe what they have to say matters.

As time passes, I realize the biggest mistakes I made as a mother was not the mistakes themselves but the fact that I never took the time to apologize for them. This letter to my children aligns with my hopes of making it right.

Dante' and Deondrea, I apologize. I apologize for all the times I may have been too hard on you. I apologize for all the times I may have said things that made you feel you could not come to me about ANY AND EVERYTHING. I apologize for any action that made you feel as if I was not proud to be your mother. I apologize for enabling you in any way. I apologize for not listening to hear what you were saying but instead listening to respond. The Most High entrusted me with 2 of the greatest gifts ever received in my life, you two. I apologize that it has taken so long to apologize. I want you both to know if you need me CALL ME! It doesn't matter if I am sleeping, out line dancing, dealing with issues of my own or if we've just had an argument, CALL ME! If you require my presence and I am able or just conversation do not hesitate to reach out. I will always be there for you no matter how big or small the problem. I know this won't happen over night and will continue to be a work in progress but we can get it done. We can heal together. I love you.