Decluttering the mental vault

Last week, a good friend and I were conversing about marriage. We covered a wide range of marital topics from failed marriages, marriage being a business, old school marriages versus modern day marriages to the ever controversial side chick. This immediately sent me into the "WHAT MAKES A WOMAN WANT TO BE A SIDE CHICK" rant!! This ever evolving "moral compass" of mine went into high gear but then I had to come back to reality as I remembered I once occupied that position. When my husband and I separated, mid to late 90's, I knew I wouldn't be seriously dating anyone for awhile. We had two young children and I trusted NO ONE; there would be no strange men around my son and daughter. That was out of the question BUT what I DID know was that I had needs and they would need filling!

In knowing that I would not be committing to another relationship anytime soon, what would be my next move? EASY ... men who are already involved. Ones that could not be on my heels 24/7, could not spend the night, could not plan away trips, etc. This was the perfect set up for a soon to be divorced mother of two. Mind you, I was in my 20's with not one ounce of care about feelings outside of mine and my children!! Makes me wonder if my failed relationships in my latter years are a result of my wrong doings in my early years.

Anyway, back to the story ... if you were not involved I would not give you the time of day. That is just the way it was. My children did not need another father figure in their lives, they had one so I did not want a constant male distraction.

It took me 20 plus years to come to the realization I WAS A SIDE CHICK ... by choice but nonetheless a side chick. As this conversation with my friend progressed and my newly found "moral compass" was trying everything in its power to justify why women need to do better I overstood a part of why some do it. It bothered me to my core to think about what my past actions may have done to my life and possibly another woman's life. A few significant others found out and I was confronted on more than one occasion but I was no snitch. I admitted NOTHING. I was not looking to ruin anyone's life but simply feed my need. My response to them was always "what did he say? well that's what it is" OR "ask your man". It was just that plain and simple.

I actually tried to argue, during this conversation, that what I did is not like these "side chicks" today. It seems today's side chick is seeking main chick status. They are intentionally ruining lives, being petty and messy. I didn't let anyone know what I was doing and if he slipped up and said ANYTHING that sounded remotely like he was sharing our affairs I pulled a Phife Dawg!! "So I turned that ass away, quick like Chuckii Booker" ...

The point of this blog is simply to clear my conscious of my wrong doings, purge past actions that I feel hold me back. I looked down on woman who actively sought men who were involved as if I never partook, to you sisters I apologize. Who am I to judge? I would love to see you do better though. I didn't stay in that place but I was definitely there. Whatever your reasons are for feeling like a side chick is the "thing to be" just know, if you believe in and subscribe to KARMA it will come back on you. Even if you are able to "take" that man from his significant other, there's always a chance that he'll cheat on you as well. I've heard it said, the same you get him is how you can lose him. I believe a lot of the bad juju around my relationships in the past 10-15 years are a direct result of my past actions and that conversation with my friend just put it all in perspective for me. I don't know if this will help anyone or not but I know I had to get it out of my mind and off my chest.

#IrememberthatPain: Mother of An Incarcerated Son

Recently, I was headed to the state capital for some internship duties. The legislative session was in progress and I was about to see a part of this process. It was a great day, full of excitement and new things to learn. I couldn't wait to see it all in action. On our way there, we discussed the purpose of the trip, what we would be doing, who we were to see and the follow up process. During our conversation, we passed a white bus with very dark windows that were covered by bars. I knew that bus, overstood the scene and immediately, as I am doing now, began to silently weep. It was the bus that transports inmates to their next facility.

I remember vividly, when my son was incarcerated I would receive those letters or phone calls before a move was to take place and how I cried for days until I heard from him again. It felt almost like that first day of school with your child ... will the correction officers (C.O.) and other inmates there like him? Will they treat him well, fair? Has anyone from the previous facility called with a heads up about him? Be it good, bad, true or false? Will he be assaulted because he's new? Those are the things that immediately ran through my mind during that time. I can only imagine how the mother of any of those inmates were feeling at the time of this transport.

I needed to let go of what I had begun feeling inside, there was too much excitement in the air to be sad. I was heading to the state capital for a morning of learning but that too familiar lump in my throat had risen. You know, the one we get when we attempt to suppress a much needed emotional cry? Yea, that one and I struggled to keep the tears at bay but it was hard. For a little while, I was able to stare out of the my window to allow a few tears to fall and not be noticed. I am thankful for this internship being under the watchful eye of a good friend who knows about that part of my life. I believe he knew very well what I was doing as I stared out of the window that morning but he did not intrude.

You see, although my son has been home since June 2014, I still feel like he's away. I have watched him walk around physically free but mentally incarcerated and as a result our relationship has perished. I believe if he and I were in a better place I probably wouldn't be stuck on situations like a prison transport bus passing by almost 2 weeks ago but I am. I can't help thinking that had he not made that mistake in his life that we'd be in a better place, he and I, but (Kanye shrug) no need dwelling on the what if's because it happened and as a result I remember that pain.