Emotionally and Mentally Overwhelmed - Time to Meditate!!

My friends, I was so emotionally and mentally heavy today. There seems to be so much going on in and around my life right now; from my son's reentry into the prison system, my mom's illnesses and my not being able to be there with and for her, my daughter's anxiety to my own mountain of issues while trying to take on theirs. I say it often, control the controllable but NEVER follow my own words. Well, it all caught up with me today and came rushing like a mudslide down a mountainside.

I had not meditated in awhile and it showed. I cried during my mediation. That had not happened since I first started the practice and with everything I have on my mind I was not surprised at all. I knew I needed to pull from several sources of positive energy to get through my meditation so I gathered my favorite stones and added some Palo Santo to the mix. Below is my make shift "meditation altar". I will provide a description of what you see below but before I do I have a question for those of you who meditate ... please comment your answer. When you meditate, with your eyes closed, do you see shadows moving about? As if someone(s) are moving, dancing around you? Do you feel an unexplained presence watching over you? This has happened before during meditation and it happened again today. I am curious if this is my experience only.

This was my first time using Palo Santo. The combination of it and my White Sage was very calming and emitted a mild, pleasant smelling aroma. I will need to purchase a dish for the burning of the Palo Santo as it burned my wooden one I used for my sage. #LessonLearned

My 180 count string of Mala beads for chanting is shown around my gems. As I slid each bead I chanted my desire, my need aloud. The more I chanted, the stronger my voice became. I felt that 'say it like you mean it' spirit overcome me! #AllIsWell #WillandIntent

My Kunzite for my heart chakra, my Lepidolite for my heart and 3rd eye chakras & my Lithium Quartz for all of my chakras. So needless to say my chakras were covered.

My Yellow (empowerment) candle burned for success in school (12 credit hours to go), increase in focus & intuition and to enhance communication in my relationship.

My Green candle symbolizes the growth I desire in every sense of the word growth. It attracts abundance, prosperity, & health.

After completing my meditation, I was able to concentrate on completing my blogs and writing my son. I did not want to do either with a heavy heart and mind. Those heavy feelings could have been reflected in my words which is never my intention when blogging. I must get back to the practice of meditation on a daily basis ... meditation is life! If you have never tried it I recommend that you do.

Here WE go again - 3rd Times a Charm: Mother of an Incarcerated Son

It seems I am always at my most creatively, talkative place when I am going through something. For once I would love to just write more when all is well but who will read that, right? This world is so hell bent on glorifying the negative aspects of this life and it is sickening but that's what the world has come to.

So on to my struggle for this blog. My son was sitting, as some call it, in a Duval County jail cell since February 22nd. Let me rewind ... I remember telling him when he was released June 1, 2014, from his previous 5 year prison sentence, that I was done. I was not traveling this road anymore. I told him to get it together because he has entirely too much to offer to keep being known as a number. I did not want to hear the clinking of the gates opening or the slamming of their closing ever again. I did not want to give $100 of my hard earned money on a monthly basis to him ever again for commissary. It was supposed to end there. He agreed and was doing so well. He had a few snags along the way but nothing that kept him down or required him to go back to prison. His music and a bit of modeling were taking off, my granddaughters had their father and BOOM, this happens. Moving forward ... He went to court June 21st, the day after my 48th b-earthday, and was given 3 years mandatory. The conversation we had after this brought me to tears. What doesn't these days tho? (shrugs) Long story short, even if he appealed it with the discovery in his favor, which he did not find out about until that day in court because the public pretender had not disclosed it to him, he probably would have gotten more time. We know the pretender would not have fought for him, hell, he didn't even tell him about the positive discovery the judge did so back into this system he goes. I was able to see him Friday, June 29th. I knew this visit was going to be the last time I would see him in awhile. The tears rolled continuously and my chest stayed full with all kinds of emotions from hurt, mad, sad, and disappointed. I was all over the place emotionally but before he saw my face I had to get it ALL THE WAY together. I could not let him see me like that. You know what's crazy? I have been told on multiple occasions that "he needs to see you hurting and crying, maybe then he'll tighten up and get it together. If not for himself at least for his daughters". As true as that may be, that's not how a mother thinks ... that's a masculine thought process and y'all can keep it to yourselves. I had to get some of those extremely raw emotions out of me before I sat on the opposite side of that jail glass or else we would all be crying' him, his girlfriend and myself. What better way to do it then to write. 'A Mothers Love' poem is shown in picture below.

Writing soothes me and allows me to release uninterrupted, it takes me to another place. When you are consumed with feeling like you have done all you could do to keep your children on track yet they still derail it does something to you. We have all messed up at some point in our lives, our children will be no different. They mess up, we stand behind them so that they can get back on their feet and love them as a parent should but how many times do you do that before being labeled an enabler? I know I was one and this time I had to remind myself, as he often would, that he is grown and I have to let him handle it on his own. This entire situation hurts me to my very core. When he first went in I stayed as far away from this situation as I could. The world calls it tough love but I never saw it that way. I saw it as a mother giving up on her child, that was until I actually did it. I had no contact with him nor did I put any money on his book until mid-May. I needed him to see I was serious about what I said. It was then that he realized he needed me more than I needed him. I can't and won't lie, that time apart was necessary for the both of us. I am grateful and thankful for his girlfriend Imani, she kept me posted on how he was doing and his well being.

Today, July 2, 2018, begins yet another journey. I was hoping to get downtown to get his property before they transferred him to reception. I checked the JSO inmate site and it had him listed as still there so at 6:30 a.m. I hopped on JTA making my way downtown, walking fast to get his property and have him sign a P.O.A. to get his items out of evidence. Side note: I was moving so much so it was considered a workout by my FITBIT!!

Something as simple as morning errands became a workout ... I'll take that! But back to the subject at hand, I get there and I am informed he is no longer there. He was transferred out early this a.m. Of course I began to cry. I knew it was coming but it never really hits you until it HITS YOU! I went into the rest room, cried, wiped my face and fixed my crown and headed back downtown. Let me tell y'all how the Universe smacked me in my face with that "GET IT TOGETHER CHANEL" back hand! As I walked, about 2 blocks from the jail, the inmate transport bus that just a few hours earlier had my son on it, passed me headed back to the jail. How is that a "get it together" moment you ask? Well, seeing that bus made it even the more real to me that 1) my son was gone to prison AGAIN, he is no longer in county, 2) there is NOTHING I can do about it and 3) GO LIVE YOUR LIFE WOMAN!! The Universe reminded me that I have family, specifically my daughter and granddaughters, that need me. I am but 12 credit hours away from finishing my Bachelors degree. I have a great job that supports me via scheduling with my many life tasks, a fun LIVE broadcast with a dear sister friend, Vice Commander position of a pro 2nd amendment group and a King who does his best to stand by and love me even when I am constantly pushing him away. I have entirely too many positive things going on in my life to let myself be beat down by something that is out of my hands. I have a favorite saying that I often share, more like preach, to others but I somehow always fall short of it.

As I look back at the past few months, since my son has been incarcerated, I really should not be complaining or be too sad about this sentence. There have been so many shootings resulting in critical injuries and fatalities, mainly young men and a few women and children of color right here in Duval County. Our children are being killed at an alarming rate, most of them by someone who looks just like them. No, I haven't forgotten how law enforcement has played their part as well, mister protect and serve. We get daily reminders via the news. I say all of that to say this, I can still see my son, unlike the mothers of those slain in our streets. As many tears as I have cried for my incarcerated son, I have never cried the tears for the death of my child and for that I am grateful. I think about how we are always told to pray or told I am praying for you and things are supposed to get better. I'm sure those mothers prayed for their children and look what happened. I remember my son telling me about a few things that happened when he was serving those 5 years and I thought, my God ... was no one praying? I am not knocking prayer, please do not get that twisted but how could these things have happened if we were all praying? Did someone not believe for what they were praying? I know the Most High provides and the Universe will give you what you give it but sometimes we do NOT want to hear all of that prayer talk. I'm just being honest. Just be a listening ear, have a sturdy shoulder, have an open heart and most importantly an overstanding mind. If you want to pray, that is fine, you don't have to announce it. NIKE that prayer ... JUST DO IT!! We don't always want a response, sometimes we just need to vent and this is why I blog ... uninterrupted venting time. I appreciate you all for listening to/reading my woes. I feel better and hopefully any mother/parent going through what I am can find comfort knowing they are not alone in this journey/struggle. There is no guide to parenting and we all fall short sometimes but if you have done EVERYTHING you possibly could, find solace in that. Love you all with my whole heart!

Change is good ... no more insanity!!

There are things happening in my life right now that NO ONE could even imagine and that is the way it is supposed to be! I sing and smile because I am happy in-spite of those things that are going on. I am also seeing a change in so many aspects of my life and I know that the Most High is moving on my behalf!! I've had SO many people over time say to me "GOD SENT ME ..." Rather it is SENT to me, SENT in the direction I am or whatever, after talking to me they felt GOD SENT them. The Most High caused our paths to cross. There will be some rough patches before I see blue skies but I am so thankful for these "thorns" in my side. They will make me stronger.

There are going to be changes. Some will not be able to handle them, some will dislike me and wish ill towards me and THOSE are the "some" the Most High has either removed them or slowly removing them now. I am ready and willing to LET GO in order to further myself in Your will and have the life you intended for me to have. The past few weeks have been SO eye opening but we will make it through this.

I am getting back to me, peace will be mine. From this day forward I WILL NOT COMPLAIN and I don't want to hear any complaints either! We have SO much more than we know, we are rich in so many things and it is not monetary. These past few years have been humiliating, trying and humbling but MY EYES ARE OPEN WIDE! *MOOD: REMAINING HUMBLE & BLESSED*

Mother of an Incarcerated Son: Thursday turned out better than it started!

Thursday a.m. I had a moment. My neighbor asked about my son because she had not seen him in awhile. The entire conversation had me in my feelings for most of the day. One would think it would be easier by now, with this not being his 1st nor 2nd time behind bars but it isn't. It actually seems to be getting harder and worst. Today I decided that I needed to go see him or at least write him. I have kept my distance since he was arrested in February but each time he is brought up or I see a picture of him it takes me to a place ... a really sad, dark place and today was one of those dark place days. I needed to release so here I am.

In the process of starting my letter my daughter tells me she received an email about communications with my son. Obviously I am ALL out of the loop with this because you can now email and video chat (of course for a fee) with the county inmates!! The prisons did not have this when my son was there 4 years ago but I am sure they do now, they have to. County can't beat the prison system, right? I see this for what it is though, another money scheme by the system at it's finest. The minimum is $10 and EVERY thing cost, from sending an email to uploading pictures for your profile to your newly created account and adding pictures in your photo gallery to share with the inmate. The system finds a way to play on our heart strings, don't they but after Thursday mornings emotional breakdown you all know and account was set up and funds were added immediately. This is how they get us, the family members and other loved ones of inmates.

By the time I decided to write this blog, I was a happier mother and my mood had completely been lifted. I have been emailing with my son and sent pictures of myself and his daughters. He sounds/reads JUST LIKE THE DANTE I KNOW! I raised a trooper that I wish could simply stay out of trouble! The Most High KNEW I needed this in the worst kind of way. It was the ONLY thing that was holding me down in a bad place, all else was well. I knew the reason my emotions were running extremely high was because I had not spoken to my son. I was trying to be that 'hard nosed, he has to learn' mother and it ended up hurting me more so then him so I needed to change that ... for me. No matter what our children do we should be there in some capacity and that is what I plan to do. Definitely not all in like I was in the years before but he will know he is loved and I will do all I can for him within reason. Thank you all for listening/reading. I needed to get this off of my chest.

I Thought I Had on my Big Girl Panties - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

June 1 2014 was the day my son walked out of Baker County Correctional Institution as a free man. He had been gone since November 2009, I remember it like it was yesterday.

This was also the day I vowed THIS WAS IT!! I was done. I had spent a fair share of time between the Duval juvenile detention center, the Duval county jail and about four of Florida's finest hotels AKA prison facilities from 2006 to 2014. I have dealt with Florida's rendition of a JUST-US system from court dates and appearances, public pretenders, prosecutors to include the wicked witch of the South Angela Corey, body searches and scans, loud clinking doors that I was not allowed to move through one until the one prior closed AND $100 monthly for commissary, sometimes more. Thinking back now, I honestly do not know how I did it but I did. Right now, I am desperately trying to figure out how I did it as I think about how I could have been saving all of that money and how I can reenact that into savings now! Anyway, there I was learning about the system at the expense of my son at a very early age. A time were he should have been learning how to drive, going to prom, walking across the stage to get his diploma, playing sports, thinking about the next move after high school but he was doing everything but because he belonged to the state of Florida criminal system.

Most of you know but some of you are still in the dark ... as of February 22, my son is back behind bars. This time it wasn't nearly as tough for me, getting that call, as it had been in the past. He always reminded me he was grown and almost 30 so my thought was you got it Mr. Grown Man! I was good for the first few days but then I went downtown to walk the bridges, something I had not done in a few months but on this day, the one day I felt a real push to go, I was unable to finish. Why? Because I could see the Duval County jail from the bridge as I was crossing. I could feel the negative energy that place holds and it was pulling me down knowing my son is in there. My usual brisk, happy walk/jog turned into a slow stroll of weeping, tears and affirmations of how I was going to be ok with it all. I thought I was over this part. I thought I was going to be just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine WHEW (in MJB voice). I had finally put on my big girl mama panties and I was moving on is what I thought but all of the same old emotions that I felt in 2006 and 2009 came flooding right back. It had been a full week, 7 whole days (in Toni Braxton voice) and I had yet to cry but that changed quickly. Rafiki said "change is good". Right now I disagree.

Two days after his arrest, one of his daughters, MiJael, turned 8. His daughter, MiKaela, turned 1 February 10. He was there for the one year old birthday party but missed the older ones party due to his being detained. It wasn't the best day for my granddaughter and her tears broke me down even more. I don't think fathers realize how much of what they do directly effects their children.

I've been attempting to complete this blog since the day I walked the bridges, March 1st, and each time I would start I would begin to cry. Today has been the first time the tears did not take over. No matter how hard I think I am being and sticking to my guns of not getting involved it does not lessen the pain of feeling I somehow failed him. No I don't blame myself because I know I did the best I could to raise him right and provide a loving home life for him but I fear my enabling played a part. That is the part that hurts. A lot of us single mothers do not realize how much we enable our children until it's too late. At this point I can only speak life and positive vibrations into the universe for my son. I only create greatness in any and everything I do so my hope is that he gets it right after this set back. His potential for greatness is immeasurable so to the universe I say let him use this set back to increase the power in his come back which has only been delayed.

And to the Most High I ask for peace and piece of mind as well as the strength to remain focused on my goals and not allow this present situation to dull or stop my shine because this is my time!

The Unease of a Conceal Carrier

I have a question for my seasoned concealed carrier friends and family. I posed this to our gun owners group this morning but I would like to hear from others. How long did it take you to feel comfortable with carrying when you first started? Most people I know that carry are prior military or were around them growing up because their family were firearm owners so it's probably nothing for you, especially men. I am new to the conceal carry life, newly licensed and just recently purchased my second firearm. My M&P Bodyguard .380 (Redman) is my firearm for carrying because my M&P Shield compact 9 (Method Man) feels too bulky and heavy. #Redman and I were out and about today and I swear I felt like a target, a sitting duck awaiting something to happen and all eyes were on me. No you could not see my firearm, it was totally concealed but I felt like everyone could see it and I didn't feel any safer with it either. I had on a pair of jeans with Redman tucked safely in my sticky pocket holster which brings up another subject. When choosing a holster for concealment I became overwhelmed as there are so many ways to carry, from a purse or bag to on your person via a vest, waist band or pocket holster. Here are the choices I was torn between but chose neither. I can see the waist band coming very soon as I rock dresses in the summer and that pocket holster will not work.

In our group one of the members posted a few YouTube videos with incidents that involved women who carry. He did so in showing us women in the group how sitting in our cars once we arrive to our destinations or walking with our heads in our cell phones can be harmful to our well being. They showed how vulnerable we leave ourselves to an attacker. The women who carried in a purse ended up losing everything ... the purse which contained their firearm, wallet with identification, and house keys. At that point the robber can now come right to your house and walk in. Thank goodness no one lost their lives although one was pistol whipped pretty badly. So the point of this blog is two fold. 1) I want to find out from fellow conceal carriers does this feeling of unease or being a target while carrying last long? What was your time frame? 2) For my ladies, what is your choice of concealment for your firearm and why? Also if you have ANY tips please feel free to share.

Decluttering the mental vault

Last week, a good friend and I were conversing about marriage. We covered a wide range of marital topics from failed marriages, marriage being a business, old school marriages versus modern day marriages to the ever controversial side chick. This immediately sent me into the "WHAT MAKES A WOMAN WANT TO BE A SIDE CHICK" rant!! This ever evolving "moral compass" of mine went into high gear but then I had to come back to reality as I remembered I once occupied that position. When my husband and I separated, mid to late 90's, I knew I wouldn't be seriously dating anyone for awhile. We had two young children and I trusted NO ONE; there would be no strange men around my son and daughter. That was out of the question BUT what I DID know was that I had needs and they would need filling!

In knowing that I would not be committing to another relationship anytime soon, what would be my next move? EASY ... men who are already involved. Ones that could not be on my heels 24/7, could not spend the night, could not plan away trips, etc. This was the perfect set up for a soon to be divorced mother of two. Mind you, I was in my 20's with not one ounce of care about feelings outside of mine and my children!! Makes me wonder if my failed relationships in my latter years are a result of my wrong doings in my early years.

Anyway, back to the story ... if you were not involved I would not give you the time of day. That is just the way it was. My children did not need another father figure in their lives, they had one so I did not want a constant male distraction.

It took me 20 plus years to come to the realization I WAS A SIDE CHICK ... by choice but nonetheless a side chick. As this conversation with my friend progressed and my newly found "moral compass" was trying everything in its power to justify why women need to do better I overstood a part of why some do it. It bothered me to my core to think about what my past actions may have done to my life and possibly another woman's life. A few significant others found out and I was confronted on more than one occasion but I was no snitch. I admitted NOTHING. I was not looking to ruin anyone's life but simply feed my need. My response to them was always "what did he say? well that's what it is" OR "ask your man". It was just that plain and simple.

I actually tried to argue, during this conversation, that what I did is not like these "side chicks" today. It seems today's side chick is seeking main chick status. They are intentionally ruining lives, being petty and messy. I didn't let anyone know what I was doing and if he slipped up and said ANYTHING that sounded remotely like he was sharing our affairs I pulled a Phife Dawg!! "So I turned that ass away, quick like Chuckii Booker" ...

The point of this blog is simply to clear my conscious of my wrong doings, purge past actions that I feel hold me back. I looked down on woman who actively sought men who were involved as if I never partook, to you sisters I apologize. Who am I to judge? I would love to see you do better though. I didn't stay in that place but I was definitely there. Whatever your reasons are for feeling like a side chick is the "thing to be" just know, if you believe in and subscribe to KARMA it will come back on you. Even if you are able to "take" that man from his significant other, there's always a chance that he'll cheat on you as well. I've heard it said, the same you get him is how you can lose him. I believe a lot of the bad juju around my relationships in the past 10-15 years are a direct result of my past actions and that conversation with my friend just put it all in perspective for me. I don't know if this will help anyone or not but I know I had to get it out of my mind and off my chest.

#IrememberthatPain: Mother of An Incarcerated Son

Recently, I was headed to the state capital for some internship duties. The legislative session was in progress and I was about to see a part of this process. It was a great day, full of excitement and new things to learn. I couldn't wait to see it all in action. On our way there, we discussed the purpose of the trip, what we would be doing, who we were to see and the follow up process. During our conversation, we passed a white bus with very dark windows that were covered by bars. I knew that bus, overstood the scene and immediately, as I am doing now, began to silently weep. It was the bus that transports inmates to their next facility.

I remember vividly, when my son was incarcerated I would receive those letters or phone calls before a move was to take place and how I cried for days until I heard from him again. It felt almost like that first day of school with your child ... will the correction officers (C.O.) and other inmates there like him? Will they treat him well, fair? Has anyone from the previous facility called with a heads up about him? Be it good, bad, true or false? Will he be assaulted because he's new? Those are the things that immediately ran through my mind during that time. I can only imagine how the mother of any of those inmates were feeling at the time of this transport.

I needed to let go of what I had begun feeling inside, there was too much excitement in the air to be sad. I was heading to the state capital for a morning of learning but that too familiar lump in my throat had risen. You know, the one we get when we attempt to suppress a much needed emotional cry? Yea, that one and I struggled to keep the tears at bay but it was hard. For a little while, I was able to stare out of the my window to allow a few tears to fall and not be noticed. I am thankful for this internship being under the watchful eye of a good friend who knows about that part of my life. I believe he knew very well what I was doing as I stared out of the window that morning but he did not intrude.

You see, although my son has been home since June 2014, I still feel like he's away. I have watched him walk around physically free but mentally incarcerated and as a result our relationship has perished. I believe if he and I were in a better place I probably wouldn't be stuck on situations like a prison transport bus passing by almost 2 weeks ago but I am. I can't help thinking that had he not made that mistake in his life that we'd be in a better place, he and I, but (Kanye shrug) no need dwelling on the what if's because it happened and as a result I remember that pain.