Mother of an incarcerated son - GOD WORKS IT OUT BEFORE WE KNOW THERE'S A PROBLEM

The Kept away from Flesh and Blood blog took a LOT to write, all 3 parts. That is a fact I will not and can not lie or sugar coat. I had to consider how EVERYONE involved, my son and Mi'Jael's mother, would feel when hearing about and reading my blog but one thing I pride myself on is my ability to communicate. I have ALWAYS been one to want to talk about things after thinking MOST things over (doesn't always work out that way though). When I realized talking to Mi'Jael's mother about the situation wasn't working my last resort was my blog. I knew immediately once ANY one person got a hold of it who knew all parties involved, those said persons would SURELY tell it and they did!! The reaction to the first blog was as expected and showed me what I was TRULY up against, that's what took me so long to complete parts 2 and 3. It caused me to clear out my friends list on Facebook and made me more mindful of my surroundings. My blogs are not written to offend, belittle or berate anyone, they are simply my form of release.

After the 3rd blog was completed I was done with the situation and had given it all to GOD! I knew there was nothing on this earth that could change this situation that had been created. Once I released it, I felt like a new person! All of my cares and worries were gone. I knew GOD had it all under control!! I never thought my son's father (Pa-Pa) would be a part of the glue to stick the situation together though and neither did he I am sure. PaPa called to inform me that he was getting gifts for the girls so I had to make sure Mi'Jael would get hers. My daughter told me she had been "voxing" with Mi'Jael's mom and I asked her to please let her know I needed to get with her about the gift. I lit up inside when I received the text asking if I wanted her to contact me! *all smiles* There was a break-through. I told her about PaPa and asked her for sizes as I was going to get my baby some gifts as well. That 1 text led to more text, some with pictures and I couldn't do anything but praise and thank GOD for this because once again, there was NOTHING on this earth that could change this. Even if there was a plot on earth to make this happen for negative reasons, what the devil meant for bad MY GOD MEANT FOR GOOD! Oh what a happy nana I was becoming.

So one day I threw it out there, how I wished she would consider letting Mi'Jael visit with us on Christmas day to see her father. He had told me she said Mi'Jael would NEVER be around his family again and would only see him if she brought him. That was SO disheartening to me when I was advised of such. I cried for days but I knew those tears, though I was hurting, would not change a thing...ONLY GOD!! I held my breath as I awaited for the response. For just that one minute between text I felt as if all that I had done to release this situation was going to fall back on me. I was not going to let the devil win...he just couldn't so I braced myself for the answer I expected. I've since learned to EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED as the text response came back and she said that was fine! *tears tears and more tears* I know she was tired of me asking every 2-3 days is Mi'Jael still able to go as I just knew at first that it was a bad joke and that's why I didn't tell my son ahead of time. I didn't want him to get excited and then be disappointed so back in prayer I went because all those negative feelings were NOT a part of my Father's plan or doing. My Father told me to leave that alone, "I GOT THIS" and I did just that. Christmas day came and so did Miss Mi'Jael!

So now let me clear the air, I have NO hate for Misty, Mi'Jael's mother. I love her as if she was one of my own but there are things I just can not or will not tolerate which is what drove us to the division. I truly believe Misty is a wonderful young lady but she has so much negativity surrounding her that it's hard to discern who is real, what is real and the right and wrong way to do some things. Misty needs to know I TRULY appreciate her for the BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER and that GOD is truly going to bless her as a result of us being able to come together and make it happen. Will she remain a part of our lives, I pray so but we are taking it all one day at a time sweet JESUS!! I look forward to the day Misty and I can sit down, air out our grievances and move along in life like EVERYTHING was fine from the beginning. I have given that to GOD also and KNOW it will be so because GOD WORKS IT OUT BEFORE WE KNOW THERE'S A PROBLEM.

Mother of an incarcerated son - Miss Daysha's 2nd Birthday

Look at this...is this NOT a party table fit for a PRINCESS?!?!?! It does not seem like it has been 2 years since this little lady was brought into our lives! Time is flying so fast and it's unbelievable! I have spent so much time loving on this little lady that it helps (most times) to heal the pain I feel at the thought of my son being a convicted felon, a number in the Florida State criminal system. It was a great party, over all, but her TERRIBLE 2'S kicked in midway through the party! When I say I was so SHOCKED at her behavior that I had to go and lay down for a little bit...I had to go and lay down!! I had NEVER seen my baby act out like that!! Just look at her!! Who would imagine that this sweet little lady would act so unruly?!?!

Look at how she poses! What 2 year old does that? *laughs* MISS DAYSHA MICHELLE VANN, that's who! She went to visit her father on her 2ND birthday, December 4TH and I heard it was an AWESOME visit!! *although the picture below doesn't FULLY reflect that* I am not sure why my son doesn't smile often but I take it that atmosphere will take the smile out of you at times!

I haven't seen my son since September, which was also the last time he and I saw our little princess Mi'Jael who was invited to the party also. Her mother confirmed that she would be there but as always...NOTHING! No phone call, text or anything...GOD HAS THAT THOUGH!

And of ALL the gifts Miss Daysha received at her party the BEST gift of all came on 12/14/2011 when her father, my son mailed his lil mama her birthday gift, one of the best she'll ever receive! She will so appreciate this when she gets older!!

I feel another tattoo coming on!! I just wanted to share a little bit of my Daysha's birthday with my blog readers! ALL who know me or read my blogs on a regular knows I am a proud nana! I thank you all for allowing me to share a bit of my crazy life with you!

Mother of an incarcerated son - KEPT AWAY FROM FLESH & BLOOD: PART III

If I was going to see my son I WAS GUARANTEED to see my grand-daughter for that weekend! I didn't have any problems there! It was like all she wanted was for my grand-baby to visit my son so she could be seen in pictures with him. That was ALWAYS the #1 question asked when picking her up: y'all taking pictures? *side eyes* Come on nah, EVERYONE knows when I visit my son taking pictures is a MUST! I love well documented visits. Besides, I look for any signs of abuse on my son so I can report it! Some C.O.'s aren't the greatest folk in the world (thank GOD my son isn't in an Alabama prison - R.I.P. Rocrast Mack) ANYWAY...why ask a question to which you already know the answer? Just my thought...moving on.

*REWIND* I get a call one day expressing how much she just can't do this anymore by herself; raising a baby is a lot of work and I couldn't agree more! I told her I would help her. Now anyone who knows me or has read my prior blogs, know I lost quite a bit of myself during my son's legal troubles (still in search mode now). I don't have much but was willing to re-arrange my life to assist in raising my grand-daughter, to make sure she has what she needs for stability, to be successful and grow up in a happy, consistent environment. There were times when I offered to catch the bus downtown to get my grand-daughter since she stays not too far from there. I asked her to meet me at the main terminal as a convenience to her...no response. I made several suggestions to assist in making things easier for her, to include recommending she go back to school and put my grand-baby in daycare, she can get a voucher for that to taking temporary custody. That would, in turn, make things difficult for me BUT the sacrifices we make to assure our family, MY LEGACY, will have what's needed are sacrifices that just have to be taken! Again...NOTHING!

*FAST FORWARD* Visits with my son had been going really well with the addition of Miss Mi'Jael. Sunday, May 22ND, it was all LOVE at first sight for those two, so I was told. This was her very first visit to see her father. Her response to him showed that her mother had at least been showing her pictures of him and possibly talking about him to her. I had stepped away to buy picture tickets and snacks when he came out and he had NO idea Mi'Jael was coming. She was under the table so all he saw when he came out was his sister Deondrea, Miss Daysha and Ashlee, Daysha's mother. They said as soon as she peeped from under the table and saw his face she yelled DADDY!!! *tears* His facial expression was PRICELESS when I arrived back to the table. His first reaction (after my kiss and hug) was HOW DID YOU DO THIS MAMA??? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! **PROUD MAMA MOMENT**

Just look at the joy in her face! It was like HEY, THIS IS MY DADDY RIGHT HERE!!! My heart went out to my son that day because for the 1st time he had both of his girls and that meant a lot to him! The 2ND visit, June 25TH was even greater although their faces don't reflect that! *laughs*

Look at the heads on those 2 (Mi'Jael and my son)...something crucial I tell ya!! *laughs* These are the visits he looked so forward too!! July...

August...

And then September...OH SEPTEMBER...that month I'll always remember as it was the LAST time my son or I would be allowed to see my grand-daughter!!

Look at her face from the September visit and compare to the previous pictures. She is only 1 year old but looks as if she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders! We didn't have a lot of interaction with her in our lives, thanks to her mother, but the times we did she was a happy little lady, once she was used to us.

Look at that gorgeous smile! GOD knows he blessed my son, our family, with some awesome little ladies and knowing that I can not even see her anymore is a feeling I can not even describe! So what prompted this "family abduction"? *sigh* The last visit, the very sad faced visit, Mi'Jael was not herself...not at all! When we visit my son she is ALL OVER HIM!! His sister nor I can hug him, Daysha gets some time but not much IF Mi'Jael can help it. If he has to use the restroom she cries until she sees his face again, if he gets up to go to the canteen window or outside she HAS to go, etc. etc. You get the point I am sure and today she was not doing that. She was very clingy but to me only which was EXCEPTIONALLY odd!

An inmate and his family came over for their pictures, we always sit near the corner where the pictures are taken. She was sitting in my son's lap at the time playing with his badge, as always, but when she saw this inmate she began to scream, cry and cling to her father. She was leaning in the opposite direction of this young man as if trying to get away from him. I had never seen him in there before and don't recall what my son said about him IF anything. She was constantly crying, to the point other visitors, inmates and officers were staring and asking was she OK. My son had to get up and walk around with her, that was the only way to keep her quiet. As long as we sat near that corner she screamed, climbed our shoulders and just acted as if she was running from someone. I then took over because I did not want anyone thinking my son was doing anything to her. I left my daughter, Miss Daysha and my son at the table as I walked around with Mi'Jael. She whimpered as she lay on my shoulder, I just wanted to know what was wrong. She cried so much that she fell asleep and we were are all glad because it stopped people from staring but every time I sat down she would start up again IN HER SLEEP! She exhibited some VERY strange behavior in her sleep and it brought tears to my eyes, my daughters eyes and to my son. I saw anger in my sons eyes like never before so we had to talk about a few things because I needed him to calm down. I did not need him returning to his dorm in that same frame of mind. It would not be good for him at all.

For the remainder of the visit he couldn't even hold her because she was so up in arms about something...IN HER SLEEP!! ALL of the actions were done during her sleep! I wish I knew what had her so up in arms, I really do. If only she could talk. Before we left the visit, he and I talked once again about the situation, shared our thoughts and I advised I would talk to her mother...which I did. I expressed to her exactly what happened (some details I choose not to put in the blog) and advised her to have it looked into or taken care of. For the next 2 days she and I corresponded positively, she seemed a bit offended but that was never my intent. My concern was and always will be the safety and well being of my grand-daughter so if I offended, again, it is never intended. If you feel I am over stepping my boundaries, that is not intended either but what is intended is the fire lit to see some action being taken on behalf of my grand-daughter's health (mental, physical and emotional) in a timely fashion.

After those 2 days, it was a wrap! We were fine then all of a sudden NOTHING! This led me to believe someone or ones had gotten up in her head and changed her mind about any and everything regarding our relationship with my grand-baby. I was removed and blocked as a friend on Facebook with phone calls and text ignored. I attempted to contact her for a week straight via messages sent to mutual friends on Facebook with NO RESPONSE! *sigh* So this is the BIG one! You've successfully taken her away with no regard to our family feelings, her fathers feelings or Mi'Jael's feelings. So I write my son to advise him of what has transpired, he writes back and tells me to pray about it because that is what he is doing. She had written him and told him, long story made short, we wouldn't be seeing her anymore as a result of our discussion and the only way he would see her is if she, the mother, brought her! REALLY??? You can't even get visitation approval and who is going to take you to the prison if you do? The part that angers me the most is if there was no validity to our discussion why not just prove it??? Why go on an all out name bashing spree and take my grand-baby away from us if we are wrong on what we saw, thought and felt?

Now you may understand better why I started PART I off with that question. I knew we would be in for one hell of a ride with this one. It is hurting all of us right now but in the long run it will hurt Mi'Jael the most! What are you going to tell her when she asks why she didn't get to see her father? How about when she asks how come she wasn't allowed to spend time with her sister or her other family? You are good with posting all over Facebook how people are flaw, ain't shit or any other negative thing you could think to say but what you should really do is look in the mirror and evaluate yourself! You could be a greater person if you just believe in yourself and fight for what's right for you and your daughter, my grand daughter. Keep haters out of your ear! That same crowd you tell all your business to is that same crowd who turn right around and talk about you.

It's been almost 3 months since I have seen Mi'Jael but GOD is working this out for our family, I know HE is! I have the utmost FAITH that right will prevail and you, as a mother, will do the right thing by your child!

PRAYER: Father watch over Mi'Jael, keep her safe from all harm. Touch her from head to toe with your love Father and what ever ails her, what ever haunts her, what ever keeps her from being happy REMOVE IT NOW Father GOD! Keep her in your loving arms Father and let nothing prevent her from being the happy little girl she should always be! AMEN

NANA LOVES AND MISSES YOU MI'JAEL C VANN!

Mother of an Incarcerated Son - THE TEARS I CRY

I received a letter from my son (11/30/2011) and as I read this letter repeatedly attempting to wrap my mind around all the things he has said my thoughts constantly wonder. I have to say it was not the best of letters. I closed my eyes and drifted back, thinking of that little boy I held in my arms so many years ago. The mother in me wants to run to MAYO, break in and bust him out! **DON'T JUDGE ME** I think a lot of it is the fact that he began his run with the law at an early age so in my mind, he is still my little boy. He didn't grow up enjoying adolescent life as he should have but instead under the watchful eye of the criminal JUST-US system. Everyone, including him, continuously tells me he is not a "child" anymore but a grown man and I agree...to an EXTENT! Can you really say someone is "grown" as a result of their age? Wouldn't it be correct to say 'he is of an adult age' instead? He could not possibly be grown because the process we go through to reach said "grown" level was stripped away from him, by his own doings. When he is released in 2014, he will have spent 8 years (between the 2 sentences and other run ins) in jail/prison, 8 years away from family, from his daughters. This self inflicted subjectivity to the inability of free living and experiences that define what truly being an adult or "grown" has passed him by. He must begin again upon his release.

Yes I can agree being away from home, regardless of the environment, will cause you to grow up but what I won't agree to is prison life falling under that umbrella. That environment does not teach self sufficiency and when he gets out he will be subjected to even more scrutiny as he attempts to become a productive member of society. Time served is never truly time served...inmates will live with this forever, even those who have been fortunate enough to turn their lives around. If I were to leave Florida right now my son would have NO WHERE to call home when he is released. Is that my problem? A lot of people will say no but I beg to differ. What parent in their right mind would leave their child, a convicted felon, to fend for himself knowing full well the odds are totally stacked against him? *sigh*

On top of all the things in his letter, he mentioned he recently received a DR (disciplinary report) for an act he says he didn't do. (of course you didn't son! .\_/.) DR's effect his ability to accrue gain time like he should and set him back a bit but I guess this is the life of a prisoner, you either follow their rules or you suffer the consequences. It is hard for me to understand why anyone wouldn't act right under those conditions but then again this is coming from the mind of someone who has never served time and can't fathom the thought of spending any time behind bars.

As I read this letter, crying I can't help but wonder at what point does his negative attitude towards all things not effect me? At what point do I read his letters and tell myself he choose this life and then keep it moving? There has to come a point when the things our children do and say be left to them for accountability and as much as it may hurt we have to step aside. THAT seems to be my problem...stepping aside. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he has the BEST letters in the world and I am left in awe after reading them because I don't know if I could be that up beat or optimistic under those conditions but I know how and why...GOD!! My Father is with him, watching over him and keeping him as sane as possible under the circumstances. I know this is just a temporary "fall" but its SO hard to remove myself from the pain he is feeling thus causing the tears I cry...

As I encourage myself in the Lord, I also encourage you son! GOD loves you and so do I Dante' M. Vann and HE wants NOTHING more than for you, for US, to come home!

FRED HAMMOND - PRODIGAL SON