As I mustered the emotional and mental strength to get up and record my daily video message I had a long talk with myself. I said "self ... we will not cry during this recording today, okay?" Self seem to have understood but simply did not want to comply and I would find that out momentarily.
My Mother's Day message started out good and I felt confident in keeping the tears at bay, that is until I began to speak about not having your mother on Mother's Day. Almost every conversation and beautiful memory began to flash before my eyes and well, there came the tears.
From a baby to her death she was always a beautiful woman. She didn't smile much in her latter years but when she did it lit up a room.
Wasn't she just adorable?? #MyMom
One of my favorite aunties, Aunt Gloria, with my mom and grandmother. A beautiful trio of Ancestors.
That last picture of my mother, my sister and I was the weekend we celebrated her 70th B-earthday. She was so surprised that I made it. I had told her I was unsure if I would. These are just a few of the memories flashing before my eyes.
This would also be the last visit that I would see my mothers fleshly presence.
After my recording, I sat at my desk and cried ... silently with a few sniffles here and there but quietly. It wasn't until my partner entered the front room that I finally let go. As soon as he wrapped me in his arms everything I'd been holding in since my mother's transitioning released. It was a cry like I hadn't experienced in years. Honestly, since my son was sentenced to 66 months in prison at the age of 17. This feeling made every part of me ache, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. My soul wept. It felt like this cry was going on forever and didn't want to stop. My giver of life was no longer among us. I am now a motherless child. Her earthly assignment had been fulfilled and the Most High said "well done my child". We know that death is inevitable and at some point we will all transition but that does not lessen the pain.
I decided to get up and take a walk by the water to clear my mind. Before that happened my son called to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. We spoke briefly of our ancestors, his 3 grandmothers; my mom Avis, his great-grandmother Barbara and his great great-grandmother Grace and how he has lots of strong women watching over him, over us.
I finally left for my walk and wouldn't you know it ... I left my headphones on my bed. Needless to say I thought about canceling this walk because what's a walk without music, right? But something told me to keep going as this would serve as the perfect time to converse with my mom. It was incredibly hot but there was an unbelievable breeze and plenty of shade along the trail so all was well.
On this walk, as she and I talked a beautiful red bird flew in front of me and landed on an eye level branch. I smiled as I thought how odd that was. It was so close I could've touched it. As I continued my walk and talk I began to feel ill. During this time I spoke of my grandmother Barbara and a beautiful blue bird flew over and landed on a nearby branch, much higher than the red bird but it sat so it could clearly be seen. Again I thought how odd yet beautiful. I don't usually see these birds during my trail walks. Afterwards, I spoke of my great-grandmother Grace after which time a beautiful black butterfly seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. I've seen plenty of butterflies on the trail but never a solid black one and as soon as it appeared it disappeared.
I didn't think much of this until I made it to my vehicle. The more I walked the worse I felt. I don't know what's going on with my body these days but working out in the hot elements no longer works for me. Once I was in my vehicle I sat with the a/c on full blast and thought about those 3 beautiful creatures that crossed my path. Never before had this happened during my walks.
Were they messengers? Could they have been my ancestors? From what I've read today, they absolutely were. That made my day somewhat better but the pain was still there. I've been told with time the wound heals but I don't think so. My grandmother Barbara transitioned 06/10/1988 and each year that passes feels like it was just yesterday. I'm grateful for their visit today. They knew what I needed.
Please love and cherish your mother/parents while they are alive because once they're gone you'll never have another.
Happy heavenly Mother's Day to my 3 beautiful spirit guides/angels - Avis, Barbara and Grace. Thank you for watching over me, over us.
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