Mother of an incarcerated son - Don't pray and worry

I have been beside myself for the past 2 weeks. I hadn't heard from my son which was so not like him. I am all he has and he makes that CLEAR in 80% of his letters and just as he gets worried when he doesn't hear from me I too get worried when I don't hear from him.

I have always been told "if you're going to worry don't pray and if you pray don't worry". I've tried my best to live by that statement, especially the older I get because you can NOT let things you can't control bring you down. Stress is a silent killer and I found myself being guilty of worrying and stressing this week.

My son is not in the best place in the world, as you all know. The fact that the same acts of violence we are subjected to on the street he too is subjected to in prison makes it so hard for me not to become that worried mother. Prison is SUPPOSED to be a place of rehabilitation but how can that happen if you can watch rape and murder in those very walls?? Just the thought of those recent events he wrote to me about keeps me in constant prayer for him and I pray he constantly prays for himself.

Well I received a letter today and all the bridge walking I'd done, the wonderful lunch and date I had...all went out the window when I saw that envelope. The first thing I do is look at the address every time I get a letter and this time there was a change. He has been moved to the prison annex which would explain the gap in communication. He is fine and continuously shows me he will BE fine. I just have to get over the protective mother stage...does anyone know when that will happen?

For any of my blog followers who would like to send him a line or 2 here is the address:

Dante' Vann #J34342 F2
Mayo Correctional Institution Annex
8784 West U.S. 27
Mayo, FL 32066

I so appreciate you all for following my blog and allowing me to spread a little...well...a lot of my life into yours. Thank you all for the continued prayers you send our way. I won't be worrying anymore...my Father has it!

Mother of an incarcerated son - The Mother in Me

As I go about my day the Mother in me surfaces often. I could be sitting downtown waiting on one of my buses or on the bus or simply taking my daily walk but when I see young men out and about I just want to hug them and let them know someone cares. What makes me think no one cares? I don't know, to be honest, but it's just how I feel. *shrugs*

The other night while sitting downtown at the bus station I saw a young man in some shorts and a tee shirt and visibly shaking from the sudden temperature drop and the mother in me wanted to give him my jacket and gloves to keep him warm. True indeed, he could have watched the weather channel and been made aware the upcoming change but was there a tv to watch? Did he have a radio to hear it? Was there someone in his life to tell him? Those were my thoughts as the mother in me kicked in.

The other day while going across the bridge I saw a young man walking with his hand in his pockets, head down with an appearance of having the weight of the world on his shoulders. I wanted to ask my ride to stop and pick him up so I could talk to him, ask him where he was going and what was wrong. Why was he walking on the bridge? He could have very well been fine, walking the bridge because he wanted to but none of that mattered when the mother in me kicked in.

A few days before I saw a group of young black men standing around doing nothing but 2 police cars pulled up and began, what looked like, harassing them. Of course I don't know their story and they could have just done something big or done nothing at all but I just wanted the police to leave them alone and stop racial profiling all black males. I wanted to get out and represent them all as my sons but I knew that wasn't possible but it didn't matter once the mother in me kicked in.

I have been feeling this way for a while now and I think it's because I miss my son. All of those young men could have been him at some point, probably was him and I wasn't there. I know we as parents can't be everywhere but sometimes looking at the youth of today I wonder if we aren't doing enough.

Just having a mommy moment...the mother in me just felt like sharing.

THE REINVENTION OF MS CHANEL IN 2012: Body by VI 90 Day Challenge

January 12th I started the BODY BY VI 90 Day Challenge. As of today, I have been on 11 full days and I am proud to say I am down 1 pant size!! I still have a way to go but WOO HOO!! Before I began I weight in at 195 lbs and my waist line 37" and this is what I looked like:

Those love handle HAVE to go!! So at 7 full days in (a shake for breakfast and dinner, 2 light snacks and sensible, healthy lunch and walking 3 times weekly) I have come 1 full pant size and the love handle turned into a love "handle-lette"! *dies laughing*

...see the handles have gone down slightly? *proud Vi user*

I have not weighed myself because muscle mass can weigh you down and I will not do measurements again until 30 days but I wanted to share my store for those who don't think that the Vi Challenge works or is for you.

Join me on the BODY BY VI 90 DAY CHALLENGE why don't you?? If you want more info check out the link ~~~> http://chanelvtillman.myvi.net/challenge and if you have questions by all means contact me. If you decide to take the challenge by all means click the challenge link under the above link and JOIN ME!

I will be updating again soon!

Mother of an incarcerated son - How well do we really know our children?

I had been telling my son about my blog for a while and he had been asking me to send him some of it, I did. Today I received a letter in response to the first 3 blogs I'd written. I thought I knew my child but he showed me just how much I DID NOT! He broke the blogs down and provided additional info to add. He expressed how "wrong" I was on certain events and proceeded to tell me the "real deal". There were things I DEFINITELY didn't need to know or would have ever thought my son would have done.

LORD all I want to know is where did this come from? As a parent when you know you've taught and raised your child to the best of your ability AND better than that how does such defiance to all that is right come into play? This, some how, has to be a direct reflection of something I did or did not do in bringing him up. I guess I don't know my child like I thought I did but honestly how many of us really do?

In one of my blogs I asked when will the pain and tears stop when it comes to my son and his ways because I was feeling as though it would not be happening anytime soon. GOD answered and said they are only temporary so I smile because I know HE has more in store for my son and this CAN'T be it.

Mother of an incarcerated son - Count in ALL joy

Being a Mother of an Incarcerated Son has allowed so many negative things to constantly run rampant through my mind, especially in the beginning of his troubled time. Thoughts of who all it effected, the how, where, what, and why's of what my son did that caused his incarceration mulls about deeply on a daily basis. Every know and again thoughts of what people think of me as a parent and/or my parenting skills seeps in and causes me to second guess myself and the choices I've made. As time has passed it has gotten a lot better but it still hurts, hurts like hell too, knowing that I did all I felt I could do to try and provide a good life for my children and my son chose the path he did.

I think back to when I told his father I was pregnant and he told me he didn't want another child and I needed to get rid of it. That was one of the WORSE feelings I have ever felt in my entire life. I couldn't understand how a man could want to discard a life so easily but then again it gave me understanding as to why my son ended up being raised without him. I took that pain around with me for years and when my son began his trouble with the law, each incident would take me back to that dreaded day. I often questioned rather my son was supposed to be here or not because at the rate he was going something or someone was going to take him away from me and as always, when bad things happen the devil sees an opportunity to wreak havoc and waste no time seizing the moment!

When my son was 10-years-old GOD placed a vision in the form of a dream in regards to my son. I refuse to simply call it a dream because of how real it felt and its content; I saw my son standing in a pulpit ministering.

My children and I would read bible scriptures together nightly, attended church regularly and then...I stopped but thank GOD the teachings stayed with my children. Moving forward to his Duval troubles, when my son was in the Duval Detention Center one of the officers asked me if I was an Evangelist or Pastor and of course I responded no but wondered why he had asked. He said my son quotes bible scriptures like he is in and around the Word daily but sadly to say he wasn't. He expressed how knowledgeable my son was in the Word and I KNEW then if I never knew before that I had made the right decision in keeping my son. He is and has a gift from my Father that HAD to be shared with the world.

I discussed my blog with my son in a few of our letters and he has since been asking me to send some of the entries to him which I did today. In the letter that accompanied the blogs I sent a message that had been put on my heart. I told him that for every tear of pain I've cried I've also cried tears of joy because unlike some I don't have to wait until I fall asleep to see him in a dream or go to a grave site but I can see, love, touch and talk to him through letters and during visitations. I expressed to him how he MUST know that this is his blessing. He has to know that his current place of residence is OF GOD and is NOT his permanent home because he knows like I know he would probably not be alive today had he not been removed from these streets. I told him to continue to pray and keep GOD first in everything he does and nothing or no one can hurt him. This is not to say that he will not have trials, tribulations or encounter hard times in there or upon his release but they are all a part of his personal testimony to put him in his rightful place! NO ONE has ever said following GOD'S lead will be easy but what it does mean is that when it really counts GOD WILL BE THERE! What our enemies meant for our bad and evil against us OUR Lord and Savior will turn it around for our good!

As I smiled and sealed the letter containing my blog I made sure to COUNT IN ALL JOY in knowing that GOD is able and is a GOD of 2ND chances!

THE REINVENTION OF MS CHANEL IN 2012

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE was started in September 2011. It has since been renamed and now enters 2012 with a new outlook! I have become #TEAMNATURAL (don't know what took me so long), denounced my COUGAR card (almost as tough as going natural), embraced being single (3 years strong now) but patiently awaiting for the husband my FATHER has for me and looking to finish my B.S. in Public Relations, that's a LOT! I won't bore you with the usual; '2012 is my year!! This is going to happen and that is going to happen' but what I will say is there WILL be positive forward progression on my behalf towards the "THE REINVENTION OF MS CHANEL IN 2012"!!



A lot of the things I used to do will no longer be done (most have ceased anyway) and a lot of people I dealt with will become text and/or phone calls away. What I have come to learn by watching and listening in 2011, is how people REALLY are! There is a quote I tweet and post OFTEN - "when people show you who they are believe them"!! It's been a tough road watching things unfold but GOD puts it ALL in place to make it easier for us to move on to the next level in our lives, pursue and complete our purpose. You can not successfully complete what you have to do when you are concerned with who on this earth believes in you and who doesn't or who will support what you do and who will not.

My goal (not resolution) for 2012 is to CONTINUE reinventing myself positively and believing in myself! Grow closer to my FATHER, the way HE desires me to be and discontinue those things that are not pleasing to HIM. Do more to put HIM first because I know once that is done ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PERFECT shall follow! I've spent a lot of my life in situations that are not conducive to my well being, KARMA does exist and is REALLY real, reflecting on those things provided me with an epiphany!

At 41.5 years of age, one usually has it all together. Whatever career path you are going to have, marriage, children, LIFE...is usually put together by now but not mine. I thought for the longest that I was a failure...2 children before the age of 21, unsuccessful marriage (multiple unsuccessful relationships), relocation with an unsuccessful relationship and my oldest child acting out in such a way that he is now an inmate in a Florida State Prison. During his troubled times I worked full time and went to school full time, leaving my children to basically raise themselves. I thought getting my 2ND degree was going to bring GREATER things but I thought wrong as I didn't do everything right by my children or my Father. After graduation with my AA I transferred to UNF, shortly after my son was arrested and my life became a whirl wind of downward trials! I lost my job, vehicle, home and ultimately my children. Life as I have known it for the past 5+ years have been a living hell! Being homeless, jobless and sometimes friendless does things to you...plays all kinds of tricks on the mind. As I reflect on all I've gone through and continue to go through I notice there is one IMPORTANT factor that was non-existent in the entire equation...GOD!

When I was going to church RELIGIOUSLY I can honestly say I didn't want for ANYTHING! I attended Sunday school and tithed on a regular, rather I attended church or not. The life I began to live was abundantly full, even my children were happier and that's when the devil moved in. He works on the mind in ways that if you lack discernment you would swear that the FATHER put things in place. I am guilty of lacking that discernment and as a result my life went straight to hell. I now know what humility is and as a result of it I have been humbled. What people think of me and/or my situation is neither here nor there to me as I only have to please my Father! He is the ONLY one who can and will judge me. In 2011 I did so many things that was not pleasing to my Father, all the way till the very end. I feel I caused HIM to cry many nights as a result of my wrong doings and all HE wants is the best for HIS children, nothing less. There is nothing like the feeling that you have disappointed your Father.

2012 will be NOTHING like 2011! I will live a healthier life as I want to live to see my grand-daughter's grow and become something great! I want to see my own children do the same. I want to live past the normal age most of my family members go home to glory and I want to live right by my Father! Come what may I will still stand by what I am saying here. I know by declaring all of this I will be SLAMMED with so many negative things, things meant to throw me off of the path I have decided to follow but that is when I have to pull on my ARMOR and become the warrior my Father has prepared me be. Nobody told me that the road would be easy and I don't believe HE brought me this far to leave me! I just can't and won't give up now! THE REINVENTION OF MS CHANEL IN 2012...I am READY!

Mother of an incarcerated son - CHRISTMAS 2011

Would you look at that???

*all smiles THIS way* WHO would have thought THIS would have been my Christmas?!?!?! I know I didn't but GOD has things worked out WAY before we even think there is a problem (different blog). I woke up feeling some kind of way about Christmas, unsure of all the day was going to have in store for me but I thank my almighty FATHER that it turned out like it did! To wake up and have both of my grand-daughters in place and my son...all that was missing was my daughter.

MOOD: SO THANKFUL AND READY FOR WHAT THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING/HAS IN STORE!