Tearful Eruption - Had One?

One of the Facebook groups I'm in posted this question today ...

The human body is TRULY something amazing and up until last year I would have said no to that question. I had almost forgotten this had happened which is crazy, it was so emotional and different. I had been single for about 7 years and celibate for a little more than 5 of those years so needless to say I'd been out of the sexual and relationship arena for awhile. I decided to take a chance on love in 2016. I was tired of being single and had already told myself that whomever I dated would be someone I already knew.

So with that in mind, during the 2015 Christmas holidays I began dialogue with a pretty cool dude that I've known for some years. We've laughed and joked a lot during those years but I can honestly say I didn't know much about him aside from the fact that he loved to drink and have a good time. I didn't see any harm in that so we began the getting to know you process on a more personal level. All of 2 weeks later we were all in. I had my bald headed, chocolate, bearded man and was enjoying myself. From the personalized Valentines Day with everything hand crafted to the bible readings to the moments walking the beach, in the park, etc. Oh and let me not forget he is team WHIP DEM POTS so a sista ate well and healthy. Sounds like we had it all together doesn't it? In a sense we did but on my behalf (I can only speak for me) I have to say I wasn't totally ready. There were other issues that didn't set well with me on top of my not being ready but this isn't a why our relationship failed blog. Maybe I'll talk to him and see how he'd feel about co-blogging but moving on ... when that time came around where the "do you want to stay in this" conversations began we knew what time it was.

This man makes NO apologies for how sexually heightened he is. If you follow him on social media YOU KNOW THIS so I don't need to go into that but it brings me back to the question at hand, the subject of this blog - Have I cried during an orgasm.

As we were closing out our 90 day chapter I was extremely emotional and sensitive. I am that way by nature but it was OVER the top at this point. I don't like hurting anyone. I'd have to say I only walked away from maybe 3 or 4 relationships. I'll aggravate the hell out of you and make you leave me first. I'll let you drop the ball but this wasn't going to be one of those situations and I knew it. When this tearful orgasm happened, I think this may have been our last escapade before we officially ended it and we'd been having these emotional talks so needless to say I was a ball of feelings.

There was no holding back on either of our ends, all hands were on deck and it was

The cry didn't happen right away, there was a little time in but when THIS orgasm hit BOOM I was so caught up emotionally that when that spot was hit I climaxed and it was accompanied by the ugly cry.

I have to admit, I was so embarrassed after it happened but then it went from embarrassed to WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT? That had never in my, then, 45 years of life happened to me. It was a bomb ass emotional orgasm though, maybe I need to be emotional more often.

So ladies, I ask ... have you ever cried while having an orgasm and why do you think it happened? Don't leave me hanging out here all alone!

I feel like I am losing her ...

From the day I was called and told I was going to be a grandmother I have been all in. The day she decided to make her entrance into this world and the first time she was presented to the family, I was right there. Her first smile, first words, first show of her own personality, first steps ... yep I was there. As the years have passed I have watched her grow into such an amazing, interesting, extremely smart and entertaining young lady. It seems I spent all of my time with her but I know I worked and had a personal life ... or did I? I think she became my everything from the moment I looked at her.

Fast forwarding in life to the here and now. It is no secret to most how things have gone down when it comes to how my son has handled this situation when it comes to her. If you are a social media friend of his, that tells it all. As a parent it hurts like hell to see him dismiss her like he does, especially when I know I raised him to be better than the man who assisted in his creation (and not the man upstairs either). It amazes me to no end how much a child can carry characteristics of an absent parent; attitude, ways of doing things, etc. Genetics are simply amazing.

There was an incident a month or so ago where I had both of my beautiful angels.

We were in my room as always because that's my sanctuary and it's big enough where we don't need to go out into the rest of the apartment. I didn't know my son was in the apartment so when my door opened and MiJael saw her daddy she did what any little girl who has a father does ... she screamed DADDY and looked to Daysha and said "look sister, here's daddy" and that's when it happened. It all went down hill from there. I won't go into detail because some things just aren't meant to be aired out over the web but just know feelings where hurt, tears were shed, bad words were screamed as well as a request to leave NOW! Daysha was TRAUMATIZED! Not at what happened after but what did NOT happen causing the entire situation to explode like it did and to this day I am still hurting to my core. I have not ached like this since I went through labor or after any of my three surgeries. There is NOTHING like the pain of an innocent child, one who deserves more than anything the LOVE of her parent and I mean all the love she can take.

Had I known this would be what she had to look forward to in her life I would have NEVER AND I MEAN FXCKIN EVER taken her to any prison visits! She would have never known who he was if I could turn back the hands of time. To know a child has been hurt physically is one thing but emotionally and mentally leaves long lasting scars worse than anything physical ever could. As a result of this foolish as hell event my baby who I have been with since day one can no longer come to my apartment because her mother and I do not want to take the chance of her having to deal with that ever again. I am just above and beyond myself right now that I have a child capable of being what I would consider heartless, the same way I felt his father was when he left me. I have long since forgiven his father and moved pass that but it stings like hell to know he is turning out to be what he said he would NEVER be ... LIKE HIS FATHER!

Don't get it twisted, I love my son to life and nothing he does can change that but it doesn't stop the disappointment. It doesn't stop the tears. It doesn't stop my feeling like I failed him somewhere in life for him to act like he does. The thought of my granddaughters, both of them, and our relationships makes me cry. This crying consist of joyful and sorrowful tears. I think about how far Mi'Jael, her mother and I have come. Misty and I are finally able to communicate which I am so glad about, especially with her carrying granddaughter #3! Mi'Jael and I are finally able to bond and get closer. If you've read the blogs from back in the day you know this is NOTHING but a blessing from G-D! All great things come in time and this right here shows me that.

Then, on the other side, the one who I have countless pictures and videos of, countless physically undocumented moments (thankful for memories), my Daysha. Our relationship seems to be getting more and more distant by the day which is heartbreaking and to be honest I can't take it y'all. Let me clear the air for those aware and unaware, I love ALL of the grandchildren that I know of. (strong side eye) I treat them the same but there is a special bond that Daysha and I have, it is truly undeniable. This is because I was there from day one and did not miss a beat so never in a million years could I imagine that we would seem so distant now. Where I used to get pictures almost every day when I couldn't see her, I barely get any now. Where I used to speak to her several times a week, we barely talk now due to my crazy school and work schedules. Where I used to see her all the time, I barely see her now. Y'all know how I am about her so this isn't setting well with me at all. I am praying and believing that things will get better once I move so until then I just pray she doesn't forget me ... because that's how I feel right now.

RIDE (Erotic Poetry)

Spread me wide, love me deep

kiss my thighs, bite my cheeks give me you, take all of me

souls intertwined, bodies complete

On your love handle, I'll surely ride

give me your hands, I'll be your guide

stroking me tender, stroking me sweet

from the top of my head

to the soles of my feet

I'll recline forward, give you a good view

You'll see heaven and feel it too

You're getting that feeling

It's all in your eyes

as I take your love handle, slowly I rise

Catch your love juices, flowing in place

One of the best, I'd ever taste

** OLD TO MOST, NEW TO SOME **

Make a Joyful Noise

Let me set the mood here before I proceed. This blog piece is extremely different from the bulk of my writings but do not think for one minute that this, my sanctuary of thoughts, is without any sensuality. I do have a few erotic poetry pieces from a few years back but for the most part my blog is anything but sexual. Today that changes, just for a moment. Hit the play button below and let Aaron Hall croon in the background as you peruse in to and out of where I attempt to take you with this.

This one is for us ladies and I would love to hear from as many of you as possible. You can comment here on the blog or via the social media site where you found the link. Fellas, feel free to chime in if you so desire. Sometimes, this kind of dialogue opens us up to exploring things we've not explored before. This blog won't be anything out of the ordinary when it comes to speaking sexually but may assist us in getting out of our "safe sex" zone when it comes to expressing what we want. To speak openly about sex can make a world of difference so with that in mind my good people, shall I proceed? Yes indeed!! Follow me if you will ...

So tell me ladies, is it just me or do you also LOVE the art of noise during love making? The sound of a man moaning in pleasure knowing that it's because of you? Knowing that he is releasing those sensual vibrations that resonate in your ears and damn near through your soul as a result of what you are doing to him? Does this cause every sensual nerve in your body to react simultaneously? Yes it's all about him and his pleasure is all mine but in/during that, my pleasure is also reached. I take my time as there is no need to rush, every movement with passionate purpose because it is ALL about him. I am not sure if this feeling is shared by many women out there but for me its a must that my partner make a joyful noise. There is something damn near Disney magical about a moan from a man who enjoys the feel and views of what may be heaven in his eyes while everything in that moment seems so intense and filled with desire. I love watching him respond to my touch, it is an absolute gratifying and arousing feeling for me. I am far from a selfish lover and the Alpha Fe in me loves to take charge. Knowing that his moaning is because of me, my touch, my kiss, my indulging in his nectar ...

Then there are those men who don’t even seem to be aware that they’re even moaning, that's the greatest. Those enthusiastic “Mmmmmm” with your name lightly whispered shortly followed by subtle kisses along the nape of your neck. Good gosh almighty ... you must admit ladies, it's a beautiful thing. Then he touches you while he's moaning while looking in your eyes, like he's expressing his appreciation of how good you are making him feel without speaking actual words. LADIES, if this does NOTHING for you, you've not truly enjoyed all that there is when it comes to being with a man. Time to step up the intimacy level because it sounds like you may be suffering from ...

I have had a few men who have said they simply are not "noisy" lovers, I can count them on one had. I have had quite a few "encounters" in my almost 50 years of living and those have to be the worst for me; quiet during oral pleasures, love making AND the grand finale. That's when I know that I know that I KNOW it has nothing to do with me. I am extremely confident in myself and my sexual prowess so that my friend is ALL ON YOU! Long as I got mine, with your soundless behind, we are all good!

DEAFENING SILENCE - Is being passive aggressive a gift or curse?

Ever been in one of those moods where you just want to sit quietly? Nothing is wrong, no attitude, not upset about anything, bills paid, food in the fridge, life is aight but your mood simply calls for some quiet time. Silence stills you, it allows you to question yourself and those around you. The ugly part? These silent moments tend to happen at the worst of times, times when you are out with friends, maybe on a date or at work ... not the best time to be quiet. It's not always a bad thing BUT because you are such a vocal person, the one everyone considers strong, loud and boisterous, it doesn't sit well with those around you. What happens next? Before you know it, here comes the barrage of questions. What's wrong? You ok? You sure nothing's wrong? You know I am here for you if you need right? You wanna talk about it? You don't have to go through it alone.

SLOW ALL OF THAT DOWN PLEASE because with this comes the inevitable ... ATTITUDE!! Where there was no attitude initially, there is plenty now and it is full blown!! Why can't I just be quiet? I am not hurting anyone sitting in silence and I am minding my business. I have come to a conclusion: rather we want to admit it or not, one of our biggest fears is silence. Silence makes us uncomfortable but what really bothers us is ourselves. During this silence we don’t know what to do with ourselves, what to think or what to say. So in an attempt to end this uncomfortable (for others) silence, the quiet one begins to speak but in an extremely irritated and condescending tone and what comes out makes some wish you had stayed quiet.

A shit storm of slick mouthed comments, somewhat appropriate on the surface but clearly an intentional insult and a barely hidden act of bitterness. Have you ever experienced something SO QUIETLY LOUD?!?!

These two go hand in hand. Deafening Silence is a serious failure to say or do something in reaction to a request or action and chances are good, if you have interactions that leave you feeling like you have been on an emotional roller coaster, that you may have been dealing with a passive aggressive person. Most common RED FLAGS are withdrawing and sulking, rather than stating opinions or needs, using words like

to shut down a discussion. Procrastinating or carrying out tasks inefficiently and mouthing off about doing things differently in the future all the while knowing there's no plan to change any behaviors. This is so me but the kicker, the ULTIMATE red flag is how we can cause other people to eventually blow up and act out the anger that the passive-aggressive person had been silently harboring. That's crazy!

So I ask, is being passive aggressive a gift or curse? I used to think it was a gift because when I had those mood shifts I could shut down and just deal, unless I was around others and then it becomes a curse. Why a curse? I punished myself and others with the flick of my tongue. I have lost relationships and acquaintances because of this mouth. I would love to say I will change this but then I'd just be mouthing off, no need for that. I will say I have gotten better over the years but it is STILL a huge work in progress.

Help me understand PLEASE - The Tales of Petty LaBelle

Have you ever made a post on social media or been conversing and someone comes back with, what I like to call, a "one up" response or becomes a "Mr/Mrs Me Too" to what you say? Example, if I were to post something about women dislikes of certain men actions and someone comes on expressing how they dislike said actions in women. Or how about when you're conversing and you mention how you had $.25 gas perks on your Winn Dixie card and here come Mr. or Mrs. "ME TOO" with their I had $.30!

Wait, wait, wait ... or how about the folk who attempt to correct you on your own posts but come to find out YOU WERE RIGHT ... BECAUSE IT IS YOUR POST AND YOU MEANT WHAT YOU SAID!!

These are MY posts, MY conversations, MY DANG ON MOMENTS and I am speaking for myself and about my come ups! If there is an error I do NOT recall being friends with any of my college professors, get up off me grammar police! Do not come on my post or hoist your behind in my conversation attempting to make it about you. If you don't like something go post about it on your page! Go rant or start a conversation about your winning over there (points way over yonder) but what you will NOT do is come and do it on my post. Y'all know what this does ...

... And I mean ALL MY gears too! Find you some business to get into, everything is not about you!

I think maybe I need to take another social media hiatus because folk are really gettin' on my nerves and sometimes it is not even them, it's me and my assholish moods. It's deep inside (sings --> deep deep down inside <-- sings) of me to pop off on folk when they do these things but it's not even that serious UNLESS I'm in that mood then EVERYTHING is serious! This asthma has me being one moody, extra petty individual ... sheeeesh!

Asshole Mode - could asthma be the cause?

I missed posting my blog on yesterday due to the assholish mood I was in. I needed a mood stabilizer as soon as I arrived home and once administered I was sleeping like I baby. As I mentioned in a previous blog, the past two to three weeks I had been dealing with an exacerbated episode with my asthma. Friday when I saw my PCP I was given a steroid injection and she added the inhaler Symbicort. This inhaler is used twice daily to control and prevent wheezing and shortness of breath. It contains Budesonide, a class of drugs known as corticosteroids which helps by reducing the irritation and swelling of the airways. This irritation and swelling is what made it difficult for me to breathe, no matter how many Albuterol nebulizer treatments I had or how many times I used my Ventolin inhaler. I am feeling better now, as better relates to my asthma, but I noticed a stronger than usual mood shift.

I was in one helluva cantankerous mood yesterday and everything out of my mouth was slick, smart and spoety! I noticed it gradually getting worst over the past few days but could not figure out why. I mean, those are things I do on a normal basis but it was heightened so I started looking into what I had done or had been done to me over the course of that time and VOILA ... steroids and/or the exacerbated asthma episode! So I decided to look into them both to see if either could be the cause.

My findings, after researching the steroid, are ones that I have begun experiencing since using the inhaler:

* a sore mouth or throat

* difficulty speaking or a hoarse or croaky voice

* a cough

There was nothing about this particular steroid that indicated mood swings or "roid rage". So I went on to see what are, if any, any effects asthma may have on ones mood.

It was shocking but easy to understand why asthma may be the reason. If you suffer from asthma and noticed that mood swings have become a common part of your life, there's a strong chance that the moodiness is actually a symptom of asthma. Asthma restricts the amount of oxygen that your body receives and a lack of proper oxygen levels, to the brain, can trigger reduced creation of various chemicals and reduce the range of operations in certain portions of the brain. These chemical imbalances can have a number of different impacts on your mental clarity which can trigger mood swings. Most times they are never even noticed and I would have to say they were not. I have suffered from depression for years so it was nothing for me to be moody almost every day but the increase recently was a bit alarming. I had to catch myself, on a number of occasions, from snapping for no reason on people.

So with that said, please sincerely accept

for anything I have said that may have offended or hurt anyone's feelings, it was not intentional but some of y'all ...

I meant EVERY WORD I SAID. You know who you are!

Now that I have gotten that out, I can move on with my day! Time for class. Have a great day folk!

Petty LaBelle and I don't care!

There has been this extremely irritating thing happening to me a LOT here lately and it truly

You can call me petty or whatever but does it grind your gears when you comment on someones post and someone else comments under your comment with their comment? Why can you NOT make your own post thread? Why must you invade mine? It bothered me so bad a few days ago that I had to ask the young lady what about my post made her comment under mine and not her own or maybe even someone else.

YES IT BOTHERS ME and makes me want to delete my comment which will delete the entire comment thread sometimes. If I wish someone happy birthday, why come up under my birthday wishes and to leave your wish ... DO IT ON YOUR THREAD! Let them come to your post and say thank you because when you start that random "how have you been doing" conversation ON MY THREAD I am coming for the damn delete button!

Is it too much for you to make your own comment thread and stay off of mine because for real, for real ... I don't like it, I don't like it, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. I know I could simply turn off notifications but why should I? One of those responses may be for me but I'll have missed it because you brought your "can't make my own post" behind on mine. WOO SAH ... I feel better now, that's out and I can move on. Will this travesty end now that I have put it in the atmosphere? NOPE ... probably not but will I copy and paste what I wrote, delete the comment someone else commented on and post my original again somewhere else? YEP!

SANG MARVIN!!!!

Mother of an incarcerated son - Why Am I Single

I was recently reflecting over the years when I was going through it with my son's incarceration and it made me wonder, is this why I have a tough time staying in committed relationships today?

From 2009 to early 2016 I dated no one and was actually celibate for about five of those years as well. Yes, I went on dates and spent time with a gentlemen or two but no one could put that "girlfriend/my woman" title on me. I just could not do it. Why you ask? Well, if it was one thing I learned it was you can't truly have a successful relationship with an incarcerated child, not if you are a single mother who is actively involved in your child's legal issues. I often wished GOD had given women the ability to "detach" like men; look at how easy it is for men to walk away from pregnancies and children after they are born. If I'd been able to do that maybe some things would be different in my love life but would I be able to live with myself today? I don't know how fathers and especially mothers, are able to just walk away from their own flesh and blood but that was the type of advice I felt I was being given in regards to my son. If I heard it once I heard it a thousand times how I was putting my life on hold for my son. He committed the crime and has to do the time so I should not be putting myself through ALL I was as a result of his doings. That was so much easier said than done unfortunately and those men were politely crossed off the potential list. One thing you DO NOT do is tell a SINGLE MOTHER what she should and shouldn't do for her children, especially her incarcerated son. That is a no no, especially if you are giving this advice unsolicited.

Hindsight is something else, I will admit. Now I understand a few of the points and advice being given but to be honest, as with any advice, it won't be received or acted upon until the recipient is ready for change. All of this was new to me: court dates, reference letters, judges, public "pretenders", pre-trial, sentencing and sending my child away. As a depression sufferer, all of these were major blows and it sent me spiraling down into darkness. I wasn't good with verbally sharing my feelings due to the crying spells that came along with it when it came to my son's situation so being single seemed like the best way to go. So why do I feel like the incarceration may have a hand in my being single?

No maybe, I WAS extremely hard on myself. I didn't think anyone would want to date a woman who did not have all of her stuff together at this age in her life with an incarcerated son who took up a lot of her energy and resources. Time and this painful experience caused me to be bitter and defensive; hence my inability to take any advice given. I felt I had no one in my corner through all of this so my defenses were extremely high. When acting on my defenses, with a healthy side of bitterness, the choice of men were sometimes less than my ideal relationship partner. I ended up with someone who wasn't and couldn't be there emotionally for me because they were too busy trying to tell me how to handle my issues with my son thus creating an unsatisfying "situationship". Please believe they did not last long.

I know age plays a factor in it as well, I won't put it all on the incarceration. I was 39-years-old when my son was sentenced to 66 months in prison with the big 4-0 right around the corner. I called that transition coming in to my NO NONSENSE age. Everything that looked and smelt like bullshit, after 40, WAS categorized as such. As the months went by and I continued to age, I noticed how deep I would retreat into my comfort zone or as we women call it, "set in my ways". That is definitely not a good look either. When I first entered my 40's, I felt like I knew who I was and I wasn't sure that I was someone who belonged in a serious relationship or marriage again considering all I had going on. As I look back at it now, I may have pushed away a great mate. I didn't allow any man to really get close to me before I ran him away. Rather it was some unsolicited piece of advice about my son's situation or the fact my defenses were up so high that the smallest thing turned me off and I turned him away, nothing seemed to last.

Now, 3 years away from 50, I can honestly admit I went about it all the wrong way. My last serious relationship prior to my son's second incarceration was really nice. We had far more pro's than con's. We still converse to this day and both agreed we should be married now but no need to dwell on could've, should've, would've because we aren't. Our relationship failed in part because once my son came home from county I catered to him more than I did my mate. The bitter, defensive, enabling mother returned and it killed the relationship. I look back on that often because it is a mistake I never intend to make again. My son will celebrate 3 years of freedom as of June 2017 and I have only dated once and had one serious relationship in that time. Every time I think I am ready those damn defenses go up. What will it take I wonder?

Asthma may have saved our relationship!

My experience with asthma, prior to my 40's, was solely through my nephew, son and granddaughter. They all have the dreaded condition and I have been added to that roster. For the past 3-4 years I have been learning to deal with sudden onsets of chest tightness, shortness of breath and an inability to breathe. These past 2-3 weeks have been really tough due to an asthma exacerbation. What is that you ask? It is an acute (severe or intense degree) episode of progressive worsening of symptoms of asthma, including shortness of breath, wheezing, cough, and chest tightness. There is NOTHING like the feeling of wanting to breathe but can't. I found myself using my inhaler and nebulizer far more than I should so I know the condition was getting worse. So how could something this life threatening save a relationship and who is the other part of "our"? Well let me show you ...

This little fella right here, my first born Dante'. This was taken in 1989, he was about five months in this picture, he is 27 now. Our relationship has been a tough one for years. It was okay up until the age of 9 when he found out the man who had been raising him was not his biological father. Once he was introduced to his biological father things went downhill. Do I regret that move? Sometimes I do but it had to be done so it was what it was, you know? Moving forward, a lot of things happened with my son with the worst beginning around the age of 16 or 17. I created a blog series about those times, the biggest occurrence in our lives to date, his time behind bars. **check out Mother of an Incarcerated Son** Those times created a huge divide between he and I, one so large that I never thought it would come back together until recently.

Dante' had never been around when I had any type of asthma flare up but Thursday, January 19, that changed. When I walked in the door from school I was struggling to breathe and trying to get to my machine. He heard me and asked if I had jogged home. I could barely speak but I was able to explain what was going on and asked him to get parts from my bathroom that went to my machine so that I could start a treatment.

He watched as I frantically put everything together and began my treatment. He didn't stay the entire time but he watched until I could let him know I was okay. That moment changed him. He came back in my room about 30 minutes or so later and expressed how seeing me like that scared him. He told me he was not ready for me to leave him. I told him years ago that when my grandmother passed the morning of my high school graduation, I became pregnant with him that same evening. I felt God had given her back to me through him. He was the love replaced for the love I had lost. He's never forgotten that and with another baby girl on the way he felt she is my replacement for him. I had to hug and console him, let him know asthma had to do more than what he saw to take me out of here! He and his sister are stuck with me!

Since this incident happened we have communicated more, which I enjoy. He seems more open to sharing things with me than he was before and I owe that to my asthma. We have laughed and joked about many things, his sister included, from my being old, my memory and other things since this has occurred but what took the cake was today's foolishness. Jacksonville is supposed to be getting some harsh weather tomorrow so I made sure he was aware and advised him to take precautions just in case we get the tornadic activity and hail predicted. We sent our good morning check in texts after which I told him I was watching the movie CANDY MAN ... that is another blog in itself when it comes to him, I'll tell it one day. In the process of the joking back and forth we said our "I love you" partings and then it happened. What happened? THIS!!!

When I tell y'all I laughed until I cried!! This young man had me seriously thinking about what man gave me nuts that caused me to go crazy. Things like this are definitely comical but priceless, that's why I just had to share. We were not having these types of comical interactions prior to his witnessing what asthma was putting me through. It's a curse that actually produced a blessing. No, we are not at the best place we could be, there are still issues but I am grateful for the ice being broken enough that we are able to talk about things we weren't discussing before. I'll take these baby steps. You have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run. As hard as this season has been on my asthma I am thankful for that moment ... I truly feel it saved our relationship.

We've got the power ... lets use it!

It was really nice to see all of the Obama family portraits or blacked out profile pictures across different social media platforms in protest of the new head of country. I will admit, I partook of it myself. Some people decided to wear black to represent the death of the nation BUT I have one question ... wouldn't that energy be better put to use with real action? I won't go into the whole who voted or who didn't or even how DJT ended up in office because we already know those stories but what I will discuss is how we are so quick to jump on the easy train but walk away from harder challenges. Change is good and can be tough but it's done at your own pace and can start with something as simple as supporting black owned businesses. People of color give so much of the spending dollars to "others", supporting their livelihood, just to say you own something name brand. Is it that you want someone to ask "ooohhhh what are those?" Just so you know, some of "those" are not fly, just expensive. Why not spend that money with your brothers and sisters? Keep it in house! Spending money with black owned businesses assists in increasing the black economy and growth in our own community. Stop trying to fit in, we can't beat them so lets JOIN US! Here in Jacksonville, there is a movement called B.E.E.F., it stands for buy Black Each & Every Friday. Organize locally, BUY & SELL BLACK! LEARN, TEACH AND REACH BLACK. As black business owner, Traci Evans, of Meow and Barks Boutique says LETS

Which leads to another call to action: getting active in the community, especially in the at risk communities. If being a big brother/big sister, mentoring or working with children is your calling please get on board. There are so many children at risk of failing and/or becoming another statistic to incarceration or death. Even if we cannot save them all, making an attempt is so much better than not doing anything. Checking with local organizations for information on volunteering is a great way to get started. Lets not forget our older community that may need help. If there are elders that you know personally or maybe you have seen in the neighborhood that may need help getting around, working in or around the house/yard offer your assistance. These are just a few places to start.

So people of color tell me, NOW that the reigns of the country have been handed over to new leadership can WE learn to work together? The election has brought out the worst in quite a few of us, that includes all races. It is fine to disagree, that is a part of life so let it out but once that's done, shouldn't we still be able to get along? I have noticed a great division in the black community, so many blacks are screaming Obama did nothing for the black community ... I ask ... what did you and are YOU now prepared to do for yourself? Trump has been sworn in as the 45th president and we all know he has no intention of doing anything for anyone but the wealthy. If we want to see change it needs to start in our community with us. We need to organize and build where we live!

It is perfectly okay to be selfish within ourselves, they have been doing it to people of color for years! Once we all understand that we can control more on a local level than we can nationally and get people on board a change can take place. It begins with taking care of our own, keep the spending power among ourselves. B.E.E.F.'ing once weekly will eventually increase to several days and will soon be a norm. Don't let this new presidency make you negative Nancy's without a cause. I've seen negativity up and down my news feed on every social media platform. Instead, let that anger motivate you to GROW INTO POWER! I have so many minority FaceBook friends and REAL life friends, who own businesses. They offer services ranging from retail, massage therapy, cosmetology services, culinary skills, healthy lifestyle supplements, auto-body repair to providing your family with life insurance. This is only scraping the surface of the services those around me provide. There will be things that we cannot get within our community YET but utilize what's available to you. If you are reading this and you are a black business owner or know of one please comment with the business info. No matter where you are located, provide your business info so that anyone looking for a black owned business to patronize in your specific area may find you. This sounds like a lot but think of how extra we are about things that have no meaning. If we exerted half as much energy into things that matter, that could better us as a people, think how powerful we would be!

Keep living ...

My children say this too me all the time and the older I get the funnier this statement and ones like them are to me ... "you are old", "you are getting old", "old lady". I admit, it use to bother me being called old but as I look around at how quickly people are leaving here I am more than happy to be able to say I am old or getting older. I remember when making it to 25 years of age was a blessing NOW if you make it to 16 you are doing good it would seem!

If it's not gun violence taking us away from here, it's carelessness in sexual acts. Y'all had better learn to wrap them things up! Ladies, we are just as responsible ... tell that man NO GLOVE NO LOVE! It's just that simple. I did not get to be this age by living recklessly but by making wiser decisions the older I became. I won't lie, Queta (my feisty altar ego) and I did have some reckless days in our 20's and early 30's but you have to grow up some time! We are grown now ... so we think. (evil laugh)

So with that said, I say keep calling me old, it means I AM LIVING and all you can do is pray one day you'll have someone call you old too! Be blessed folk.

I want my friend back ...

What do you do when you feel like you have lost a friendship you truly never wanted to lose? How can you correct a mishap that was never about you in the first place? When you are use to communicating with someone on a regular, daily basis and then it stops ... how do you handle that? Is it true the person at fault usually has the hardest time putting the friendship back into perspective after a change has occurred even after the hand of friendship has been extended?

I think it is so unfair to have a great friendship and know that you loved someone genuinely with all your heart simply to have it all ripped away without notice. Longing to have that friendship back, the multiple texts daily to include good morning and good night text. The occasional picture or video responses back instead of actual typed words ... too dope of a friend to let go of but the schematics of the friendship has changed and again it is NOT liked! This blog definitely won't be long because my medications have kicked in and sleep knocketh BUT this needed to be put in the atmosphere. Good night y'all! I don't know if this is the medication and feelings talking or just the feelings but I just felt it needed to be put into the atmosphere.

Lets Be Present in a positive way POC

For the past 15 years I have lived in the largest city in the continental United States. It is home to the Friendship Fountain, Riverside Memorial Park, Riverside Arts Market and Hemming Plaza just to name a few of the great outdoor spots where I love to spend time. The city where "The Blues" was first, officially, performed and the bands Limp Bizkit, The Allman Brothers, and Lynyrd Skynyrd were all formed. The city where “The Creature From The Black Lagoon” was shot and was known as Hollywood before there was a Hollywood. In fact, it was known in the 1910's as “The Winter Film Capital of the World.” The city where The Beatles refused to play their scheduled concert, in 1964, until the audience was desegregated. Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Cab Calloway, and other jazz legends performed at one of the longest running theaters in its early days and Ray Charles played there for a year as a teenager in this city where I live. This city hosts one of the largest tailgate parties for the annual college football rivalry game between the University of Florida Gators and the University of Georgia Bulldogs and is one of 32 cities, in a country with over 20,000 cities, to have a professional football team. This is just a few, very few things, this city is known for; some of which I knew nothing about until I decided to write this blog. I am in awe at the amount of talent that has come out of this city and all of the great things that have happened here. Sadly to say, none of this even matters nowadays because of all of the senseless violence taking place. What the city has become known for more than anything is its high level of crime. I can honestly say I have seen the city go down in the years that I have been here and it does not seem to be getting any better. What city is this? Jacksonville, Florida ... Duval County y'all!

What prompted this blog was an article I read today on one of the local news sites. It was about the shooting on MLK day at The Landing, an entertainment complex located in downtown Jacksonville. I learned a long time ago not to read the comments on any news stories about black people, especially when it comes to incidents of this nature because the true face of Jacksonville shows up. The face that goes so well with whom the city was named after, Andrew Jackson. Jackson, the seventh president and face of the $20 bill, may have been the most racist president of all according to several articles read prior to writing this blog. With this in mind, the true feeling of this city goes right along with its namesake ... racist! But back to the story of the 16 year-old black male teen who was shot and killed as the result of a random shooting. I say random because the article said according to what a witness who was inside the Landing posted to Facebook that a shooter pulled out a gun and "opened fire on us" with five to 10 rounds. Doesn't sound like the shooter had anyone in mind but just began shooting. When I finished reading the article I did what I said I would never do again ... I read the damn comments and needless to say the racists were doing what they do best - BEING RACIST!

Some of the comments blamed the mother of the slain teen for his death, calling her a piss poor parent and saying things like had she raised him better he might not be laying cold with a toe tag. HOW FUCKIN' INSENSITIVE!! Excuse my language but these comments really had me perplexed! It amazes me that every time a black child gets in trouble the parent is blamed when it fact they are NOT to blame at all most times. It should not be assumed that the parent is a poor parent especially if you don't know the family personally. As parents, of any and all races, we know that no matter how well we train, teach and raise our children some times they do what they want to do instead of what they have been taught to do. This should not always be a direct reflection on the parent. I see very minimal of this parent bashing IF ANY when a crime involves children of other races but black people, you are guaranteed to get it. What makes these people commenting think it's okay to speak this way of people they don't know is beyond me but I have learned not to put anything past these type of people. It is such a shame how racially motivated and divided these comments were. While some were sending condolences to the family others were talking about how they wish these "thugs" would go ahead and kill each other off so the city could be rid of them. Although I don't argue with them ridding themselves, that includes ALL races, if that would make the world a better place, innocent people would no doubt be caught in that crossfire so I don't wish to see that happen either. These racist people and their comments really sickened me to my very core. For goodness sake, a life has been taken and a mother is grieving, can she not do that without her character and parenting skills being attacked?

What this city needs now is to come together, especially the black community. The comments of the cities white residents shows most wish nothing more than to see us kill each other off or "go back to Africa" and that is an entirely different blog in itself. The black community has been praying for years and still praying but it has not gotten any better. I say continue to pray BUT know that it is now time for some action. Support black owned businesses for black economic growth. Get together for mentoring, teaching, and assisting families in the areas most needed. The black divide was created and designed back in the slavery days, from the emasculation of our black men, raping of our women and children to dividing the family through purchase or death. This mindset still has one hell of a grip on our communities today. It does not have to stay that way. Right now, I pray for peace and strength for this young man and all others who were victims of senseless violence as well as their families. I pray for this city and most definitely these cold-heart racist that reside in and around the city. Just like the violence, the city could use less of you too. Come together, right now, over WE!!

IN BOS WE TRUST!

Today was a great day! I was able to shoot my gun outdoors, visit two awesome parks, one with cave diving springs AND watching my boys play!

And if they are playing then you had best believe I am in my black and yellow toting my terrible towel! You see my sock game on point too, all offense players shown.

If you just watched the game like I did then you know my team WON sending the Chiefs to the losers couch with the Cowboys. Now we proceed to Foxborough where we will take on the New England Patriots on their turf. I am extremely happy to moving on because all of the haters and nay sayers were predicting the Chiefs to rip us a new one on their turf. Well haters ... YOU WERE WRONG! I will say, this was an usual championship win though. I have always known defense to win championships and they DID keep the Chiefs at bay for the most part but ALL OF THE SCORING ...

Our kicker Chris Boswell did the damn thing! He kicked his way, our way, into the next level! We could not be happier, prouder of Bos for scoring ALL the points today. It reminded me of Scobee when he played for the Jaguars but couldn't do it when he came to our team. ANY WAY, now one thing EVERY fan knows is we can NOT go into Foxborough playing like that, not if we want to defeat the Patriots in their house. Our Killer Bee's, although productive stat wise, were all unable to produce points. We need to see more from them point wise for the next game. It would be pretty dope to have a game like the one between Green Bay and Dallas today ... THAT turned out to be one helluva game! Let's get some of that AND the win but for now, we shall live in the moment. GREAT WIN!!

Freedom in the Friendship - Part 3: In The Pursuit of Happiness

For some years now, I have been focused on life which included work and family then the recent addition of school to finally complete my Bachelors in Communications. Looking, but not looking, for companionship but in walks ... him! I can't and won't say he came right on time because who knows when the time is right but it damn sure felt like the right time! Have you found yourself saying this or something similar? Oh ...

You have never thought Mr. Right had rolled in and about to take your single status up a notch? Well I did and the two times I made moves to leave team single, in 2016 and 2017 (only 15 damn days in), did not end well. These were men I have known for a minimum of five years and we had done very well in that arena. Because the friendship routine was cool I truly felt crossing the friendship line in pursuit of happiness would not be a bad idea. I keep nothing but great men around me, in my opinion, so who ever I chose within my friendship circle should be a pretty dope asset to my life and what we do in our lives.

Needless to say, I am still single and will probably remain that way for awhile.The 2016 break up has left a void in what was once a friendship. It is actually the first time that I can say I have an ex that I am not on great terms with. I feel you should still be able to remain cordial, friends even, depending on how the break up happened and our break up was not that bad in my opinion.

These situations make me wonder if my stepping forward first is the reason neither went well. The 2017 situation, I will admit, by neglecting to ask very important questions I ended up wide open in my feelings and in a situation I never want to be in ever again ... and won't! I can't even be mad at how it went down though because communication afterwards were on point and its even a place I would revisit once the smoke clears.

The point of this blog is in the pursuit of happiness should a woman not speak up about crossing lines in a friendship? Should the man lead the way instead EVEN if the conversations seem to point in that direction? I am usually the aggressor, I am Alpha Fe to my core but I am not one usually to initiate a relationship. Makes me think if my getting older in age is to blame for this change. ANY WHO ... feel free to comment if you can relate and share your story if you have one. I would love to know I am not alone and if you feel you have an answer to my questions.