CAN YOU KEEP HIM: a priority or an option

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a FACEBOOK fanatic! I am big on social media networking and promoting so this is what I do. I decided to go through my 3000+ friends and clean house because at least 1000 serve no real purpose, we don't interact nor do we have a connection, only mutual friends. As I've been going through my friends list, going to pages to read over what some of these people are about, I've come across some very interesting statuses.

I've read quite a few statuses from some of the women in my list and been really surprised at how far back our gender has gone!! Why must so many of us resort to giving away one of our most valuable possessions, the "box", that most parents raised us to take care of? I don't know many men who will turn down the "box" so know this ladies ANY woman can GET IT, be she fat, skinny, cute or ugly. The real question here is CAN YOU KEEP HIM? Are you being made a priority or an option when it comes down to it? SEX for attention or simply because you think you have the best BOX on earth is not good NOR is it cute! And even crazier, most of the ladies are usually single and always posting statuses like "where da good men at", are you worthy of a good man with those actions? Even funnier, while women are posting these statuses, the men reading them are asking "where are the good women with more to offer then just her cooch BUT umma hit that tho!"

When has being sexy and getting/keeping a man EVER equated to the act of sex? THEY ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT and truth be told, that man will be there regardless if he is really into you! What happen to leaving something to the imagination and having him wait anxiously in anticipation for what will EVENTUALLY come? I was asked "well what about those who just want sex" and to that I responded "it's never all they want ... if the walls could talk when they are home alone and crying wishing for a mate that would be one hell of a conversation".

The young lady then responded with "you'd be surprised how many women just want to get laid and that alone these day". My response? "No I wouldn't be surprised ... she was once me BUT when I tell you that's a lonely and miserable place to be ... IT IS!! I don't judge anyone for their actions because most of what I speak about I've experienced, been there, done that. I simply wish that I would've had someone, like myself, to tell me there are better ways. What I've come to learn is thoughts like that (mind set of just wanting sex) starts with lack of self love. Once I truly learned to love myself all of that ceased, not intimacy but feeling that a one night stand or someone to lay me down was all I needed. We as women have to do better in loving our selves and once we truly know our worth casual sex won't exist anymore! One things for certain, two things for sure ... you can get a nut and a wet behind by yourself!

I pray for women of ALL ages to do better because what I am noticing is it's not just the young women any more, some are MY AGE, 40 and above!!! You'd think they would know better, would want to do better and set an example for those younger women. I admit, body wise, I will do my best to keep up with the 20 year old figures but my morals and values won't allow me to do what some of those young women do. I wish more mothers took pride in teaching their daughters how to be a lady, sadly some of the mothers don't even know themselves. I wish the fathers would do more sticking around and not just sticking to show their daughters what the love of a man is supposed to be after all he is her first interaction with how a man should treat her!

THIS WORLD ... I SWEAR!! (FACEBOOK STATUS AND COMMENTS TURNED BLOG ... GOTTA LOVE INSPIRATION WHERE EVER IT COMES!!)

Mother of an incarcerated son - Baker C.I.

My son was moved to the Re-entrance program last week, Friday August 31st I believe it was. He has not been at Baker C.I. for a full week and "IT" has begun already. I am learning to LET GO AND LET GOD but the mother in me keeps wanting to jump in and SAVE MY SON!

I knew when he was transferred to Baker C.I. that there would be problems. He's not been there a full week and already had to fight, supposedly over some previous "beef" with this other inmates family member. I am trying my best to leave the matters I can not control in my Fathers hands but it's so hard and so frustrating. I am happy my son has a friend, Chaunyce, who can visit him when I can't and take me when I can.

After visitation today, she brought me back a picture of my son.

The mother in me see's that the smile is not real but mother in me also wants to believe it is and that he is going to be just fine. I am so torn with emotions right now, I hate feeling this way. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to hurt anyone who even things about hurting my son but I can't ... THAT is the worse feeling ever. A parent who can't protect their child even thought that child is grown. I wish I could have seen him today.

I want to call Baker C.I. and speak with his Classification Officer, Mr. John's tomorrow, to discuss my feelings but in the same breath, same thought process, I don't want to call and risk my son being looked at as a punk or a mama's boy who needs his mother to call about his prison issues. He hasn't asked me one time to call or request a move. One thing I know is the grass is not always greener on the other side. He could be moved to a worse facility, GOD forbid that but these are the things that make me scream often. These are the feelings I felt when he first went in and here they are ALL over again. Please keep my son and I in prayer as well as my daughter and his daughters. They are affected by all of this as well, maybe not in the same capacity but it does effect us all. I will end here because I am rambling and I do not like one bit how it feels. It "aches" me inside, this life he's chosen that has caused him to face the consequences he's facing now but I am thankful that he is still above ground for me love. GOD has a purpose, GOD has a plan or else my son would have been destroyed in the streets. Love you son

Mother of an Incarcerated Son - What about me???

As you all well know by now, I am a mother of 2 children, my incarcerated son is 23 and my daughter is now 21. As parents of multiple children sometimes we don't realize how much the other child(ren) are effected when the focus is on the one child that is "going through" or "taking us through". We don't realize how much we "neglect" the other child(ren), how it makes them feel that we favor the child taking us through more than them. Neglect is a strong word with many definitions but the one that suits this blog best: NEGLECT (verb)- give little or no attention to. It is usually unintentional but it unfortunately happens.

I asked her about her mixed emotions towards my blog(s), her response was sad, angry, hurt, depressed but she ended up being happy with the way things turned out (later explained in this blog). She said before my son began getting in trouble with the law we were a family. I went to work and no matter how hard I worked that day I came home and cooked...EVERY day almost. We were always out doing something, even if I had no money we found things to do. She had a happier mother, totally opposite of the mom she began to know.

My daughter was my "roadie". Where ever I went she went, if she could. When my vehicle moved she usually moved with it. My son, on the other hand, did not want any part of our activities, he preferred to run the streets. He has since informed me how much he regrets those decisions. It wasn't until I wrote the first "Mother of an Incarcerated Son" blog that my daughter opened up a little about how she felt. Her initial response was simply "mixed emotions".

Once Dante' began his run with the law and I lost my job which in turn caused me to lose my vehicle, our home and ultimately my children...everything changed. Here we were in Florida with no family, no one to rely on but us and we were slowly but surely falling apart. She told me she cried every night and just about all day long when she was staying with her friend, she missed her family and the life we used to have. We didn't have much but we always made due with what we had. It amazes me when I look back and see how much LESS I was making then but we lived in a nice apartment complex, had a really nice vehicle, planned great activities often and even had Jaguar's season tickets...but my life now does not reflect that and I make more. INTERESTING!!

Years have passed since the family drama began and over a year since starting this blog. I asked my daughter to write down all the things she felt so I could add, accurately, her feeling to this blog, in her own words, "WHAT ABOUT ME" ... the purpose for this blog. To this day she still has yet to provide me with that information, I think it is still a bit much for her to put on paper. It's still a bit much for her to put in words when we speak about it and more than 5 years has passed since it all started.

I want Deondrea Tillman, my daughter, to know that with every tear she cried, I cried also. When we were not together as a family, having to live apart because we had no home for almost a year ... I CRIED DAILY! I cried painful tears DAILY! I cried out for you, your brother and myself DAILY! When I HAD to send you back to VA because I could not provide for you, because you're brother was so out of control that I feared for your safety, that was the most PAINFUL thing that I, a mother, could ever do. I felt like I failed you as a mother. I still cry now but the tears are of joy because I look at how far we have come and how far we are going to go. I know all that happened, happened for a reason ... it was GODS will!

I want her to know I never meant to neglect her or make her feel like she was less important than her brother in any way. To this day I still believe she feels I love him more than I do her, though she has never admitted it. I am always on this MY SON quest, advocating for him but barely mentioning her. I will be honest and say there is a different love I share with both of my children BUT they are loved EQUALLY! Sometimes the child that has more "need", in this case my son, draws a parent away from the other child(ren), in this case my daughter ... be it on purpose or not ... it happens and it's not a good feeling.

I pray that she knows in her heart of hearts no matter how much or less she and I speak she is just as important and dear to me as her brother. I am proud of the young woman you have become and the greatness you are destined to achieve.

Mother of an Incarcerated Son: Re-entry Program

I found out Friday, August 31st, that my son had been moved once again, this time to his final housing until he is released. I spoke with Classification at Baker C.I. and found out his C.O. is Mr. Johns, with whom I will speak on Tuesday, Sept 4th and was advised he is in the Re-Entrance program. What is that exactly you ask? Well, you have the same question I have so I searched it and this is what I found:

Baker C.I. in Baker County is the second re-entry facility. Baker C.I. offers re-entry services to inmates being released to Duval County and surrounding counties. It is the site of the Second Chance Demonstration Grant project funded by the Second Chance Grant funds. Inmates will receive comprehensive programs and services to assist their transition from prison to the community.

What is the Second Chance Demonstration Grant project? I asked that too, here is what I found: The Second Chance Act (P.L. 110-199) was designed to improve outcomes for people returning to communities from prisons and jails. This first-of-its-kind legislation authorizes federal grants to government agencies and nonprofit organizations to provide employment assistance, substance abuse treatment, housing, family programming, mentoring, victims support, and other services that can help reduce recidivism. For those of you who do not know what recidivism is, it is the habitual relapse into a life of crime.

Everyone knows I prayed against my son going to Baker C.I. due to it being a "little Duval" but my prayer went unanswered because THIS was in my Father's will, for my son to be where he is. There is going to be a lesson for my son and I both in these last 2 years, just praying for strength and guidance to make it through. This facility is called "little Duval" because everyone transitioning out of their sentence that reside in Duval and surrounding areas are sent to that facility. I am not sure what my son's street dealings were but I am under the impression he made a LOT of enemies, those same folk that he will encounter in Baker C.I. or friends of those enemies. This is where my concerns lie as a mother. My son has done 3.5 years of his 5.5 sentence and I want to see him come home safe and sound. I've never been incarcerated so I know there are things in there that I will never understand, "safe and sound" may not even sound right but that is what I pray for. It's not all about the inmates, it is also about the guards. When they know inmates are trying to get out and have so much to lose they try them. I've been told this by ex-offenders and other C.O.'s. It's sad and disheartening to know some folk come to work JUST to make the lives of others miserable. *FATHER KEEP YOUR LOVING ARMS AROUND OUR SON AND MY MIND PLEASE*

I was praying I could see him this weekend, they were able to have visits for 3 days (Saturday, Sunday AND Monday since it is a holiday) and I couldn't make one of them. I just look at it as it was not in my Father's will for me to see my son. Whatever the reason I dared not question, simply carried on with my day to day activities and prayed.

The song on my heart as I think about ALL my children and I have been through is James Fortune and Fiyah "YOU SURVIVED"! The lyrics seem to fit so much of our lives PERFECTLY and no matter what, come what may WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THESE LAST 2 YEARS ... we've done it before and we'll do it again! GOD takes care of fools and babies ... my babies are covered and I've been a fool for many things and made some foolish decisions THEREFORE I too am covered!

Though you've been hurt by someone And you feel your smile is gone No one can understand your tears Or what you've been through just to make it here The pain that you felt hurts so deep inside And you often ask yourself why But you survived (you survived) You survived (you survived) All the pain that you went through But Jehovah brought you through You survived (you survived) You survived (you survived), it all You may have lost some loved ones And you can't understand why they're gone Just understand God makes no mistakes And they're smiling down from a better place But the pain that you felt hurt so deep inside And you often ask yourself why But you survived (you survived) You survived (you survived) All the pain that you went through But Jehovah brought you through You survived (you survived) You survived (you survived) You survived it all By the grace of God you made it through With His strength and power He gave to you In spite of all you can smile again You can hold your head up high, You survived You survived (4x) Oh After all that you've been through Now you know God carried you Through the rain (rain), and the pain (pain) Then you called and He came, Oh

Love you son ...

Mother of an Incarcerated Son: Transition

Ever had missed calls from odd numbers and soon as you saw them you knew that they were associated to something that could go either way (good or bad) if called back? Well that is what happens to me often and what happened to me on Friday night, August 24th.

After working a 9.5 hour shift, thinking I was going to get off and just go home to get in my bed and prepare for the next work day I see I have a missed call at about 6:20 p.m. from an 805 number and a voice mail associated to that number. I immediately knew, felt in my heart of hearts, that it was in reference to my son ... I was right.

The call was from a woman advising that my son had been transferred to another facility. (I was praying so hard that he would be kept at Madison C.I. but GOD'S WILL BE DONE!!) The woman that called didn't leave a name, just said Dante's been transferred & hung up. It was so impersonal BUT she didn't have to call at all and I took that into consideration. I will say her random act of kindness to keep me informed about my sons situation made me happy so I called her back to tell her thank you. I did not get an answer so I left a message of my gratitude.

I have NO clue as to why Dante' was moved nor could the Officers answering the phone at Madison tell me but after calling I immediately went to my Father in prayer and received joy in knowing whatever the situation is MY GOD HAS IT UNDER CONTROL!! When I asked where my son had been moved to I was told the R.M.C. facility but not which one so when I arrived home the first thing I did was check the Florida Dept. of Corrections site. Who ever updates the site must have been off because it still showed my son's location as Madison C.I.

I was going to leave it at that and wait until Monday to find out where they'd moved my son BUT my soul couldn't rest until I made another call. I called the R.M.C. Main Unit in Lake Butler and was advised he had been placed in the West Unit so I called the West Unit. GOD YOU'RE AWESOME I've located my son and he is actually closer to home. The officer there had no info as to why he had been moved either BUT did tell me that he could have visits which let me know he was not moved for any trouble ... YES!!! *happy mom dance going on* FATHER I THANK YOU At that very moment I could see, could feel, a visit for the weekend. How I was going to get there I didn't even know but what I did know was if it was meant for me to see my son nothing or no one could stop that from happening!

Saturday (August 25th), I went to work with my son on my mind. I knew I had to see him but how I was going to do it I didn't know. I prayed about it and left it with my Father. I had an awesome day at work, very busy ... folk spending money and the crew all enjoying themselves. It was the beginning of a great day starting with an awesome PRAISE AND WORSHIP, as always. I knew everything would be alright and if it is meant I'd be heading to Lake Butler to see my son Sunday. During my first 15 minute break I, again, had a missed call from an unknown number with a voice mail attached to it and once again I knew it had to do with me son. This call was from a different woman, she wasn't so short in her message and she called because Dante' had asked her to contact me about visiting him. I don't like those calls because I feel like he has gotten his hopes up for a visit and if I can't make it he is saddened so now my mind is back on getting there. I called the number back and spoke with the woman, she too is a mother of an incarcerated son. I thanked her for the call and asked her if she spoke to her son again if she could pass the message that I'd be there if I could get there. She was so kind. GOD IS GOOD!

After work, I spent some time with one of my Vi Divas Kayla, having girl talk and eating. We began talking about our sons and found out our sons are around the corner from one another (mine in prison and hers with a relative) so she offered to take me to see my son so she could visit her son. GLORY GLORY GLORY TO GOD!! One thing I know, when you give something to the Father and LEAVE it there for Him to work out HE WILL!! I went to bed Saturday with the lightest heart and a smile on my face! THANK YOU FATHER!! I woke up the next morning so full of joy! You know it's going to be an AMAZING day when you can't stop crying long enough to apply a little eyeliner!! *tears of joy* I had to thank my FATHER for the people He's constantly placing in my life and even those He removes! Sunday, after ALL of the random calls, prison calling and praying I headed to see my #1 earthly man, Dante' Vann! I couldn't thank Kayla enough ... she will be blessed for what she thought was such a small deed! We hit I-10 with a vengeance, ended up getting lost and shortening our time with our sons but once we made it ... it was ALL love!