Mother of an incarcerated son - PART II

So NOW we are on to the BIG ONE! I thought surely this wasn't going to be a serious situation because "WE" had gone through so much previously with a minimal amount of time given. I just knew he'd go away for another year or so for the violation but BOY did I know wrong!

**REWIND** My son had a warrant out for his arrest and for about 3 months he was on the run. In the beginning he stayed with me, I did not fully understand what this could mean for me. After speaking with close friends I was explained he needed to go or I'd be in just as much trouble as him. This scared me to NO end because I knew he had no where to live but he surely couldn't stay with me any longer. I could not survive in jail/prison and going for harboring a fugitive was NOT in my future so I asked him to leave. He would call and text begging me to just come and take a shower and lay his head down. As a mother THIS was actually the worst moment of my life because I had to say NO. I would ignore his calls and text and cry to no end when I would listen to his messages. Some calls came at 2 a.m. sounding as if he was crying because he was sitting on a bus bench somewhere with no where to go, no where to lay his head, bathe or eat. So called friends had turned their backs on him, he'd worn his welcome out in many homes so it had come down to this. *the tears wouldn't stop, just like now as I relive this moment as well* When we would speak I would pray and pray for and with him that he turn himself in but he wanted to be around for the birth of his child (Miss Daysha) who was due in December. I had to explain to him if he turned himself in he should get less time and he will at least have a place to lay down, bathe and get something to eat, no more living on the street. This is the end result of wrong doing son, you have to face it. So we talked and prayed and prayed some more for several days...FINALLY it paid off!! On 09/21/2009, I received a call around 10pm, Dante' called to tell me that he loved me, appreciated me for being there and he was about to turn himself in (09/21/09 @ 11:23 p.m. he became #2009040120 in DCJ). So now that he is back in jail, as crazy as it sounds, I was relieved! He is no longer on the streets to be harmed or harm someone else, hiding out at other folks houses and putting them at risk of incarceration.

**FAST FORWARD** Once again I'm visiting, providing commissary and getting involved with the entire legal process, calling the Public Defenders (PD) office and asking questions. As I said earlier, I wasn't thinking that he would get any serious time...after all he turned himself in and it's just a V.O.P., right? They sent him home before so all was good, right? WRONG! I was advised by his new P.D. that the state wanted to give him 8 years and this time they had EVERY possible reason AND intention on making it happen. *phone drops* 8 years...WOW...this is my baby, my first born and he has a baby on the way. What was he thinking? What did I do wrong in life for him to act this way? (in kicks the taking blame for his actions - worse feeling ever)

Every mother, especially single mothers, who has a child in any type of trouble tends to blame themselves at some point in time for the child's misdeeds. "What did I do wrong?" "Was I not there enough"? "Is it because his father wasn't there"? etc.,etc., etc.! All the things we think of that we could have done different, not once thinking of all the things we did right and acknowledging this child just wants to do what they want to do. NAH...that would be too easy and we like to keep and make things SO complicated, don't we? *laughs*

This particular set of court appearances went differently. I wasn't in front of the judge with him but instead sitting out in the crowd. He is an adult now so I wasn't needed. *HMMMPH* Says who?!!?! The P.D. did acknowledge that I was there so that made me feel a little better. Almost 2 months of back and forward with the state, they REALLY wanted to send my son away. He is a menace who'd been given SEVERAL chances to do right. See, this is where all the hand slaps resurface ONCE again. This time he had a NO NONSENSE judge, Elizabeth A. Senterfitt and the P.D. expressed that to me OFF top! You can not appeal to her better nature, she looks at the evidence presented and sentences accordingly. AGAIN I was scared, thinking my son was going to miss the 1st 8 years of his child's life. One thing I did like about this P.D. is how he kept me informed of EVERYTHING! He would call my cell and leave messages about things happening out of the court room, if dates had been changed, etc. etc. I felt this P.D. actually cared.

Back to these 8 years, goodness I was up in arms for a while but thank GOD I have a praying family and friends. Anyone who thinks they can make it without GOD is highly mistaken and fooling themselves! For almost 2 months we were back and forth in court, bargaining to work those 8 years down of which the state was NOT trying to move. So we, as a family unit, began to P.U.S.H. - PRAYED UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENED and it did!! On 11/16/2009 my son was sentenced to 66 months in a Florida State Prison. I fled the court in tears, screaming and pleading to GOD, asking why but my GOD had a purpose and plan. That would be the last time I saw my son in the year 2009.

That "66" made it sound SO long but it breaks down to 5.5 years, better than 8. He'll see his daughter before she starts her 1st year of school is how I looked at it. The week of Thanksgiving Daysha's, then pregnant, mom went to visit him and was advised he had been moved. No information was given just the fact that he was no longer there. Is this REALLY how the system works?!?! They shipped my son out the day before Thanksgiving to the RMC in Lake Butler. I had NO clue that he was no longer in DCJ as you are advised of NOTHING! You want to know how I found out? I had to go online to the Florida Department of Corrections site and look him up! YEP...that's how I found out. The only other way would have been to wait for him to write me, that was not an option. He stayed there for about a month and we could not visit him during this time either. It had been 3 months since I'd seen my son, this was SO not setting well with me.

During this time frame, my beautiful grand-daughter Daysha Michelle Vann was born, December 4th at 1:50 a.m. WELCOME MISS DAYSHA!!

I sent my son a letter with a chronological list of everything that happened; from the moment we arrived at Baptist South to the moment Miss Daysha was born. He said he felt like he was there when he read it; every contraction, the epidural placement, decision to perform a c-section, her birth! I thought it was only fitting since he could not be there for her birth.


As I stood and watched them poke and probe my beautiful new grand-daughter

I couldn't help but cry. My LEGACY had now begun...my name now lives on when I am gone. The fact that my son was not here to join the excitement made the tears flow even harder. She looked just like her father at birth with a touch of her mother.

After the RMC, he was moved to Brevard C.I., in Cocoa, FL. Now begins the road trips for visitation. Man oh man...I was so excited! It had been almost 6 months since I'd seen my son and I was ready to hug and kiss him, remind him of how much he is loved NO MATTER what life has brought his way. I couldn't help but think in the meantime why is my life becoming so complicated?!?! (in time I realized the answer to that question but not at THIS time) Traveling to Brevard with my daughter Dee Dee and his newborn baby girl in tow, it was the cutest thing! She was so oblivious to what she was about to be subjected to but the best part was there would be father/daughter interaction and that was MY concern and focus. This was our first visit since he was sentenced in 11/2009

I cried SO hard awaiting his arrival to the visiting room. An older lady came and sat with me, put her arm around me (I don't do too well with strange folk touching me but she was so genuine in her words). She told me to stop that crying, she knows it's hard but we can't let them see us like this. They have a hard enough time dealing so when they see us we should be smiling and there to uplift them. I explained to her this was my first time in almost 6 months seeing him and his first time meeting his daughter so I was extremely emotional. With that GRANDMA voice she smiled and said that's all fine and well, expressed how beautiful Miss Daysha was but I needed to get it together RIGHT NOW! The first visit or the last visit will always feel the same, our loved one is locked away and there is nothing we can do about it so make every visit a happy, memorable one. One they can take back to their dorms and smile about until the next visit. Though I wanted to tell this lady to get away from me and let me handle this my way I knew she was right. I hugged her back and thanked her for her STERN but kind words. As she went back to her seat I watched her face, she looked as if she wanted to cry as well. It made me feel bad, really bad.

I went to the restroom to wash my face, CRY OUT one last time, get myself together and prepare to see my son. I wasn't happy at all that he was in a Y.C.C. (youth offender camp) because what are the youth of today known for doing when they are in a confined place (club, etc)? FIGHTING! It's an unfortunate fact but it IS a fact! I knew all those young males in a confined space HAD to mean high levels of testosterone and lots of fights...I was right!

Anyway, back to the first visit. I see him walking up the sidewalk, hands behind his back, shirt neatly tucked in his pants looking straight ahead. BOY...they have them trained in there! All of them walked up that way. There was a brief, but what felt like forever, moment where he disappeared. He explained there is a room where they have to be "checked" EVERYWHERE when coming to a visit and leaving from a visit! EWWWWW...that has to suck! *laughs* I met him before he could even get to us. I hugged and rocked and hugged...it had been TOO long! **SN: I don't know how some parents can just up and leave their children, I feel incomplete without mine.** He walked in the area where we were to find his sister, who cried too and his beautiful baby girl. It was so funny watching him hold her, talking to her and getting mad because she "isn't doing anything but sleeping"!! *dies laughing* She was only 4 months so that's what they do after long rides and drinking bottles.

He looked fine so I was content with the world at that moment. The visit went great but as always parting is such sweet sorrow. It seemed those few hours equated to all of an hour, time went by so fast. Watching him walk back to his dorm brought those tears right back, the same ones I had when I arrived, he was gone again...my baby boy. I had to get it together though because at this point my entire life changed. I was attending U.N.F. studying Journalism, had just graduated from FCCJ with honors and a member of PHI THETA KAPPA! *GO ME, ITS MY BIRTHDAY* I was so ready to get my BS in Communications but I allowed his arrest to stop all of that. I could not concentrate on my work, make it to classes...depression set in MAJORLY and nothing mattered anymore. I knew that was a lie because I had a son who truly needed me as well as a daughter and grand-daughter to be here for. *GET IT TOGETHER CHANEL*

The drive back to Jacksonville was a quiet one initially, my daughter and I were both still a bit choked up from the visit, but Miss Daysha's cries QUICKLY changed that! *laughs* Lord I thank you for an awesome first visit and safe travels to and from that day. The next visit would prove to be another life altering visit. It would be the last time I saw him for about 3 or 4 months.