Mother of an incarcerated son - Am I an ENABLER or SUPPORTIVE?!?!

Have you ever seen the movie "STEPBROTHERS"? Quite the comedy, right? Right! *laughs* But in watching this movie, I saw something that actually touched a nerve. Here you have 2 VERY grown men, 39 & 40, still living at home with their parents and their parents, THOUGH FED UP, allowing them to remain there. The scene where the mother and psychologist were conversing and the psychologist tells the mother "you are an enabler" I felt like WOW, a lot of that sounds SO much like me.

I thought about all the times, from my son's younger years, when he would say to me (in reference to situations with other adults, i.e. teachers, another parent, police, etc.) "I told them just wait till I get home! I am going to tell my mom and she is going to straighten y'all out!" *laughs* He use to say it RELIGIOUSLY! I remember thinking who does this child think I am *laughs* but then I remembered, I was ALL he had!

Now in his young adulthood, I look back over some of his letters since he has been in trouble (2007 - present) and look at the "request" he has asked of me (e.i. call my classification officer, call Tallahassee, find out about this program for when I get out, etc) and wonder if I am an enabler OR simply being supportive?

What's an enabler? Someone who, despite knowing that a behavior is destructive or harmful, allows a loved one to continue to do it.

What's being supportive? Someone that provides encouragement or emotional help

There were times that I felt like my intervening allowed my son to continue on his destructive path. I will say this, I KNOW MY CHILD, every parent should. There were things that people (teachers, other adults) would say that I could right off the back say NO HE DIDN'T and there were things that I could say I AM SURE HE DID also but sometimes as a parent you just have to step back. I am just now learning that I have to, need to step back. Has that been an omen, you think? Did I doom my son by allowing him to utilize me so much? Of course I didn't put it ALL out there, the things I did, but I took the time to search the internet about ENABLERS and I found an article that posed 20 questions and when I answered them I was FLOORED!! Check it out for yourself!!


Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving? YES

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”? YES

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself? SOMETIMES

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you? YES

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain? YES

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person? YES

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know? YES

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life? SOMETIMES

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person? NO

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help? SOMETIMES

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do? NO

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings? YES YES YES

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do? YES

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does? SOMETIMES

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual? SOMETIMES

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments? YES and I have

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time? Sometimes

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems? Sometimes

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems? YES

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation? YES YES YES

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

I was outdone when I saw how many "YES" answers I had and to this DAY I still feel I enable a lot of things but the question is HOW TO I STOP THIS?!?! I've acknowledged there may possibly be a problem but I've done this for so long. Will it be like a drug and cause my son withdrawals when I back off? Hell, will I go through withdrawals? I am an ENABLER who wants to be SUPPORTIVE for the good of my son. CAN I TRULY back away, is it really possible?!?! *sigh*