I really did it but now what?!?!? *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE*

I truly can't describe how I am feeling this morning. I was awaken out of my sleep by strong, random thoughts of "what am I supposed to be doing today"? I sat straight up in my bed, looked around the room, squinted to see the time on the clock and thought what AM I supposed to be doing today?!? :-/

It's as if the trauma of my #TEAMNATURAL move had totally moved in and taken over! All that once was there seem to have gone, by way of thought processing I mean. It took me all of 10-15 minutes, a trip to the bathroom, a light oil of the hair and brushing *record scratching noise* MY HAIR...IT'S ALL GONE!!!

WHOA...would you take a look at me?!?! WOW...natural beauty...this is going to be my true test of strength, endurance, courage and a show of rather or not I really do NOT wear my feelings on my sleeve!

My daughter told me that I will gets LOTS of comments like "who are you supposed to be? India Arie? Jill Scott?" Or better yet Amber Rose since I am blonde with it. And then the ALL TIME favorite "what, you're gay now?" Simple type ishness like that and more but if she can endure it and get through it then gosh darn it so can I!!!

I can't help but wonder how this will effect my re-entry into the dating game though and here's why: when my son was about 8 or 9 I used to keep my hair cut "barbershop low" (so this isn't my 1st natural) and apparently it bothered him. I never knew that but he made it PERFECTLY clear when he said as clearly and loudly as he could in the middle of a packed barbershop on a Saturday morning "Ma...I want a mommy and a daddy, not 2 daddy's"! *record scratches again* I didn't know what to say as EVERY man, woman and child turned to look at us...speechless I tell ya! My son is now 22 years of age and serving 66 months in a Florida state prison *pray for him please* and I wonder will that 8 or 9 year old boy show up at his visitation tomorrow...you will surely find out!

That little episode has surely stayed with me all these years and my thought process is as a child if he has that type of mind set (mommy's have hair, daddy's don't) how many men my age were that way coming up and are still trapped in the 'European mans definition of a woman' frame of mind? Are there any real, strong brothers out there truly ready to embrace a woman for her inner strengths and natural beauty without letting her hair or the lack there of define who she is and is to be?

This MISSION IMPOSSIBLE is turning into a POSSIBLE MISSION daily and with the first step complete I am well on my way. I don't intend on questioning the situations that come along with decisions I make during my journey, I simply intend on embracing them, facing them and going to my FATHER in prayer about them.

One of my favorite scriptures (book of Romans I believe) says "A MAN THAT FINDETH A GOOD WIFE FINDETH A GOOD THING" so with that said I will sit back and enjoy the 'REDEFINITION OF ME'!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! :-/

OK...I've not been a part of #TEAMNATURAL a full 5 hours yet and I have been asked by multiple people (all men) what is wrong with me? Am I going through a mid-life crisis? Why did I go natural? SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Why must something be wrong because you make a personal change? I am glad I don't wear my feelings on my sleeve because if I did my feelings might be truly hurt but in the words of Jay-Z - "all of y'all can suck my b*lls through my draws"!! LMBO

Naw but on a serious note, folk there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me. I am just about to truly find myself since I am about to have an EMPTY NEST as of 6 a.m. Monday morning!! I am going to return to school and now open myself up to dating again after almost 3 whole years!

I am SO ready to embark on this "new" life I am going to have but there is ONE thing I have failed to mention and I don't want ANYONE to think I can do any of this without HIM...my HEAVENLY FATHER, the ALMIGHTY GOD that looks down low and keeps me safe, sane and in HIS arms!

Time to find a church home...

NEWEST MEMBER OF TEAM NATURAL *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE*

Well the first step to MISSION IMPOSSIBLE has been completed! I am now a member of #TEAMNATURAL! When I tell you I cried like a baby, tears rollin' down my face and all...I CRIED LIKE A BABY! I had a nice length of hair when I made the decision to go natural and when it finally came time to do it I almost NUTTED UP! *dies laughing*

It was a VERY emotional process. I told Daphne to turn me away from the mirror and cut until it was cute and she did JUST THAT! This is truly a different look for me especially since I've been rocking the long, medium and short blonde weaves and wigs for the past 3 months.

Well...enough talking...here I am...the newest member of #TEAMNATURAL!!

My daughter keeps telling me how AWESOME I look...I so love her! Thanks to my #1 fan!

AM I READY?!?! *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE*

Tomorrow's the big day...I am SO re-thinking this whole #TEAMNATURAL idea! I mean...I keep looking at my self with my wig cap on (LOL) and thinking this is you with no hair *SCREAMS*!! *sips Apple Smirnoff* Get it together Chanel...

I've been told "you have a little azz head, you don't need to go natural" and "why are you letting the devil use you like he's using all these other women by telling y'all to cut your hair off"...the list of things I've been told goes ON AND ON and NONE OF IT actually meant a hill of beans to me UNTIL now. The day before my appointment to actually be inducted into the #TEAMNATURAL HALL OF FAME.

7:30 p.m. tomorrow, September 16th, I'll be in Daphne's chair getting my hair chopped off down to the 3 month old new growth. Will I really go through with it? My baby girl, mini me, will be documenting it all if I do. I say "IF" but she has made it QUITE CLEAR that "IF" is not an option.

There will be pictures and video footage according to my daughter and then we have our ALL NATURAL photo shoot on Saturday at noon (provided I am natural...that will be the theme! LOL) with Kylan Alvin of Real or Nothing. *I am excited*

That's it for now...random rambling thoughts the closer #TEAMNATURAL gets!

RACISM OR JUST RETARDED?!?! (GEARS STRAIGHT GRINDED)

OK...so today I was downtown at the bus terminal awaiting my 2nd bus home (yes I take 4 buses...2 to work, 2 back home) ANYWHO JTA decides today will be spray washing day for 2 of the lanes, 1 of which my bus pulls in. So we all have to move 2 lanes back to await our bus thus causing lots of congestion in the few seats/area where we all had to stand, well in my case sit.

There is a young African American mom with 2 little boys, 1 infant and 1 toddler. The toddler was running around playing, doing what little children do since there were no seats open for him to sit and his mothers lap was already taken.

A bus comes and as folk get up to board quite a few seats become available to include 1 on each side of me and 1 beside the young mother. Her toddler son moves to sit next to his mother when a large Caucasian woman with a small infant child in a stroller bum rushes the seat and almost knocks the toddler over. He, being unaware of the hatred in this woman's face, pays her no mind and still attempts to get in front of the stroller and sit next to his mother. The large woman gives the young mother the "STANKEST" (for lack of better words) look and stands there like move your freakin kid lady!! KEEP IN MIND there are 2 empty seats by me, 1 on each side of me and instead of you coming to the plenty empty you mean mug this young mother and makes her move her child!!

*WOO SAH*

SOOOOOOO the toddler comes and sits in the chair beside me as directed by his mother. The large woman continues to mug and talk under her breath about said situation. Her "baby daddy" then comes over to talk and is smoking a cigarette (KEEP IN MIND there are designated smoking areas downtown) and one of the JTA supervisors directs him to the smoking area. As he walks away and the young mother and I both thank the supervisor the large woman decided to CHALLENGE the supervisor!!

She asks him why must her baby daddy move to smoke when just the other day she asked to have someone smoking around her removed and the supervisor told her the individual could smoke where they wanted...

?!?!? The supervisor than proceeds to ask her "ma'am, was it me?!" and she says NO in an angry voice. The supervisor responds I can't control what other supervisors do but I will go by the rules besides there are children over here and other people that do not smoke who may not want that around them. The young mother immediately says right because my son has asthma and I said I don't have asthma but I don't want smoke around me...PEER-REE-YOD!!! Oh this HEATED the large woman immensely at which time she pointed her finger at the young mother and I and yelled THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS SO KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT!!

*in my BEST Jada Pinkett-Smith voice from KINGDOM COME* LORD TAKE ME NAH!!!

All Christianity went out the window and I told her "YOU BOUT TO GET AN

DOWN HERE"!!! The young mother was like she ain't even worth it ma'am, you saw what she did to my son at which point I told her YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME ON THAT ONE! Let that had been Daysha or Mi'Jael

...it would have been ON AND POPPIN DOWN HERE! One of us would have been going away in the cop car...

!!!

*WOO SAH* The young mother than said we will all be getting on our buses and going our seperate ways. She was SO right and I couldn't even argue. Those words calmed me right down. She was SO patient with that entire situation to be so young. I learned something from her today but DANG was that RACISM or was the large lady JUST RETARDED!!?!??!

You wanna know what GRINDS MY GEARS...JURY DUTY!!

So I came home Monday, 09/12 to find a Jury Summons in my mailbox! *AAARRRGGGHHHH* I've dodged this bullet for 25 years now and they FINALLY got me! LOL

You don't even get paid for this UNLESS you are unemployed OR your job doesn't pay you! Like REALLY??!?!? BUT WAIT...guess how much the pay is?!?! *wait for it, wait for it* $15 for the 1st 3 days and $30 after the 3rd day if you're chosen! WHAT BILL(S) WILL GET PAID WITH THAT!?!?!

OHEMGEE...who thought to make jury duty a dang on civil duty but not make it a civil duty to compensate you PROPERLY?!?! You take me out of work but won't pay me what I would make to be at work AND tell me it is my civil duty...REALLY?!?! GTFOH!! *WOO SAH*

I will just pray for a "FREE PASS" on the strength of my son being incarcerated because this is for the birds right here!!

OK...now you know ONE of the things that GRINDS MY GEARS!!!

EMPTY NEST *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE*

I am 5 days away from a true EMPTY NEST!! *sigh* The days seem to grow shorter and shorter as time approaches for my mini me to return back to VA and begin her journey towards the USAF enlistment! *PROUD MOM HERE*

I have found myself randomly thinking...A LOT...this week, some of the oddest of thoughts too.

My hair appointment to become part of #TEAMNATURAL is Friday at 7:30pm. I shiver at the thought. I keep hearing "its only hair" and "girl it'll grow back before you know it". I know both of those things but dang...I have quite a bit of hair now, hair that I've been growing for some time. I guess I am just supposed to let this go, aye? That's how this works...humph...that's how this works.

RANDOM THOUGHT: So I am sitting downtown waiting on the bus and suddenly it hits me AGAIN that I will be by myself in Jacksonville as of September 19th. You ever been surrounded by SO many people (friends, associates, acquaintances, frenemies, strangers) YET still feel alone? I mean UTTERLY alone...that's how I am feeling at this very moment.

*sigh* That's all for now...the way my mind is running there will be more blogging shortly.