Happy Tears - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

There are ALL kinds of tears but the ones I love to experience are those of joy, HAPPY TEARS! I received a letter from Dante' today and I have to say I love his maturity level. He has come a LONG way and I pray daily this he sticks to this frame of mind when he is released. If he does I can see great things out of him and for him.

Even as he sits in solitary with nothing but a cot and a toilet and anything he was allowed to bring from his cell he STILL has an up beat attitude. I remember when he first began his sentence he was always so angry and spoke like the world owed him something. I enjoyed his letters to a degree back then but enjoy them all the more now that he speaks so positively. He's had such a negative spirit for so many years it's almost hard to believe this is my son but I know ALL things can be done through Christ. It's being done!

Back in the day I use to want Dante' to hang out with his sister and I all the time. He didn't want to go to the mall just to window shop, ride through the city just to get out of the house or go to a Jaguars game to get that NFL experience. My daughter was and still remains my ride or die but it looks like we may have a new tag along!

He has expressed how it's going to be movie time for MONTHS when he gets out. There are so many movies he wants to see and can think of no one better to watch them with then 'Velnette' herself. *laughs* That's my middle name, he's such a funny dude. He has requested cheese pizza with stuffed crust, cheesy bread and NO SODA! He requested that I not be drinking them either (I don't)!! He said whenever he thinks about chillin with me he gets to feeling like a kid again! His first day home, he wants Golden Corral and an Ex Lax! That truly cracked me up; put it in and push it out!

He then went into the how am I, how's mom outside of his affairs. He knows that he and his situation are time consuming but he wants to make sure I am enjoying my life in my down time. He was never this considerate and this shows growth. I am so happy right now to see how the Father is working on his behalf and in his life.

He has a 2nd mother, Lisa, that he mentioned. I am so appreciative of this here woman. When he needed that motherly advice that he felt he couldn't get from me, things he wanted to share that he felt he couldn't share with me she was his outlet. Some mothers would be mad but I am forever grateful, just as he is, for Lisa because I'd rather him have her in his corner than him to get what he felt he needed totally from the streets. He called Lisa an ANGEL and mentioned that she's been there since day 1 like they dated instead of he and her daughter. This does my heart well to know he has another mother in his corner. Thank you Lisa.

He than preceded to talk about how his father and I are getting up in age and when he gets out he wants to take advantage of the time missed. It's been a long journey getting those 2 together and I am so thankful that they've been able to talk and work things out. I can't wait to see them have a relationship, all sons need their father no matter their age.

I could go on and on with this letter but I won't, just know that right now the HOLIDAY BLUES have been over come with HAPPY TEARS ... our time is drawing nigh and I CAN NOT WAIT! 2014 truly has something for me, for us! All of these troubles began in 2007, it'll be 7 years next year ... the year of completion! It's all almost over! It's been an awfully long journey but as the light gets closer I am thankful because it has all made me stronger in self and stronger in FAITH!

Holiday Blues - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

I want to start by saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS to any and all who read my blog. I observe Christmas but in light of the diversity on the world wide web I strive not to offend anyone.

By now you know I'm the mother of an incarcerated son named Dante'. He is housed in a correctional institution in the upstanding JUST-US system of the great state of Florida (said with ALL the sarcasm I could muster). No, as I've said numerous times before, I am not disputing that my son should be there but those of you news watchers and readers know ALL to well why I mock this wonderful system in place here in the sunny state.

Dante's release date as of today is 07/08/14 but can be earlier with any gain time accrued. I can not truly contain my joy in knowing this'll soon be over nor can I hide the fear of what is yet to come for my son, the African American felon. These thoughts have marinated in my mind for about 2 months now and it has made this holiday season even harder to enjoy.

Days leading up to the holiday season were really tough for me, not only do I have an empty nest and an incarcerated son I am also single ... talk about a PROZAC moment!! No, I'm just kidding but it can be really stressful and almost depressing watching those you love and are surrounded by enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holiday season with loved ones and not be able to enjoy it that way. It's been the same every year since 2009 so I move on and get over it but it doesn't stop it from being a major thorn in my side or pain in my chest.

Dante' has been in solitary confinement since the week of Thanksgiving. It seems he has been in confinement for the past 2 seasons because our last holiday pictures together was in 2011. You'd think that since my son has been in and out of trouble for a while and in prison since 2009 I'd be over it but I'm not. I sometimes wish it were that easy but its so far from it and most will never understand unless you've been in these shoes.

I have a daughter, Deondrea, who returned home in 2010. I've not spent a holiday with her since 2009 and that just puts the icing on the cake of my Holiday Blues. Its funny how as parents when our children were younger we wish them out of the house but when it's time for the EMPTY NEST it is NO FUN!

I am extremely grateful for my 2 grand-daughters the Heavenly Father allowed Dante' to produce. It has been an absolute joy watching them grow which has also made this 66 month sentence fly by. Miss Daysha Michelle and Miss Mi'Jael Chaylea have been 2 of the best gifts I could ever be given. Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the 2 of them lifted my Holiday Blues for a little while but as always it comes right back. Looking at my grand-daughters knowing they are an extension of my son, seeing characteristics and mannerisms in them is a tear jerker for me. They are my little angels and I wouldn't trade my Vann girls for nothing in the world!

God willing, this will be the last holiday without my children, my family and the Holiday Blues will prayerfully cease to exist.

Mother Of An Incarcerated Son - OH WHAT A SCARE!!

As the mother of an incarcerated son, nothing grabs at your soul more than having an unknown number with the prison area code to call your phone. As I sat staring at the number my heart beat faster and faster, I actually began to sweat. When I answered it was a Mr Mathis from Baker Correctional Institution ... the prison where my son is housed. Now at this point all types of thoughts began running through my mind.

Earlier today, one of my good friends told me one of her relatives was killed in prison in GA recently. A few weeks ago a young man from Duval, who my son reminded me I'd met with his mother when they were both in D.D.C., was stabbed to death in prison. No, he was not housed in the same facility as my son but as a mother and knowing these types of things can happen is very frightening. My son has told me he's seen such incidents since he's been in prison and at these thoughts I almost began to hyperventilate. I had to check myself though because I have a Father who sits on high and looks down low so I began to pray. I asked my Father for strength to deal with whatever I was about to hear. Now reading this, it seems like a lot of time was passing but it all took place in a matter of seconds

After Mr Mathis gave me his name, I immediately asked "is my son ok, is something wrong with Dante'?" He responded quickly with NO Ms Tillman, nothing is wrong and he is just fine. I was calling to invite you out for FAMILY NIGHT on November 14 from 6-8 pm. Now y'all know I have to give myself an Albuterol treatment, right? I have worked myself up for nothing but that's the nature of this beast I am a part of for a few months more.

After a wonderful conversation with Mr Mathis and a moment of getting myself together I immediately went into action. I had to make sure I had a way to get there. The granddaughters are already in place of course and one of their mothers AND her mother are lined up to go. I just had to share how scary this ordeal really is for a parent, especially a mother. Children do not fully understand until it's too late that while they do time so do we! Thanks for listening and be blessed!

Mother of An Incarcerated Son - COUNTDOWN TO FREEDOM

GLORY GLORY GLORY ... we are ALMOST to the end of this story! I can't contain the excitement growing inside of me right now as I welcome August with open arms. August begins the ONE YEAR COUNTDOWN for my son's release and with gain time it could be even sooner! Lord I trust You and always have. Praise confuses the enemy so I am praising in advance! Next year ends the 7 years of HELL my family and I have been through when dealing with my son and his legal issues.

THANK YOU LORD! 7 is the number of completion and this journey is almost complete. I am BEYOND excited right now! Hopefully you all will join me as I complete this COUNTDOWN TO FREEDOM!

Mother Of An Incarcerated Son - Aren't you embarrassed?

I've been asked on a number of occasions how do I share so much of my personal life involving my son's incarceration and if I was embarrassed. I've been told by some parents of incarcerated children that some of their family members don't know of their child's situation. They think the child is away in college, visiting friends, etc etc. I pray anyone feeling like this finds comfort in knowing you are not alone in this world when it comes to loving and caring for an incarcerated child so there is no need to be embarrassed. It is indeed a very hard pill to swallow when you know you've raised your children to the best of your ability yet things like this still occur. I did have questions and the biggest question I asked when it occurred was "LORD WHERE DID I GO WRONG?"

I don't remember exactly how long I asked that question of myself and to the Father but it felt like an eternity but I do know as long as I continued to blame myself I could not find peace. There was no mental, emotional or spiritual peace in my life for the first few years of his sentence because I could not understand why my son choose the path he'd chosen and why GOD let it happen. It wasn't until I realized my Father had a MUCH better plan for our (my family) lives that I was able to let it go.

I've come to realize that most times it's not the fault of the parent and that everything happens for a reason. I know for me, my son needed to be shook before he was snatched off of this earth. I was an enabler and GOD had to work on me as well. At our last visit when my son and I discussed the Zimmerman verdict Dante' turned and said to me "I NEEDED THIS MAMA. I was living recklessly and it was either this or I'd be dead." THIS was a true wake up call for me because not only did my son show growth but he exhibited maturity. I'd never seen this side of him and I was more than pleased. The Father gives us choices and when we chose unwisely we suffer but HE never leaves nor forsakes us and guides us back to HIS arms. Thank you Father for Your GRACE AND MERCY!

These last 4 years have been a learning experience for my entire family and I thank GOD for the place HE has us in at this very moment. I pray strength and peace upon ANYONE who is going through this same ordeal because you will definitely need it. Anyone who is feeling embarrassed by the situation of their child I hope you pray that off because not only will your child need your full support but you too will need support. I know the Father has our backs but I also know I could not have gotten through this without letting go of some of the pain and other feelings to family and friends. Remember you are not alone and there is truly no reason to be embarrassed.

Mother Of An Incarcerated Son: He is DESTINED for greatness ... I KNOW IT!

I can't begin to explain how happy I am at this very moment. I was finally able to see my son after 10 months. I hadn't realized how close to a year it had been and I must say I had an ABSOLUTELY wonderful visit with my son on Saturday! The smile on my face truly reflects how I feel/felt at that moment and now! I'm in love ALL over again with my 1st born, that feeling I had when I first laid eyes on his little chubby face.

It was April 9th, 1989 at 2:06 p.m. when this little trouble maker made his way in to this crazy world. Weighing in at 7 lbs 7.5 oz and 21 inches long he gave me labor hell for almost 24 hours. Upon arrival to the hospital my labor slowed down and *in Jennifer Holiday's voice* I AM TELLING YOU, I'M NOT GOING is what I felt he was telling us! I had an all natural child birth, no epidural so to endure such pain for almost 24 hours, worsening as the evening/night when on, was a bit much. This child had better be something GREAT was my thought because this had to be the work of the devil! He didn't want him to come and he wanted me to suffer ... 1 of the 2 happened because I SUFFERED! *wipes forehead* GOD showed me a vision when Dante' was 10, he was standing in a pulpit in front of a lot of people speaking. My Father has a purpose for Dante', that's why I know he is destined for greatness and this place he is in is TEMPORARY!

As for yesterdays visit, I cried but WE laughed, sang, rapped, and I had another chance to love on my son. I can't thank the Lord enough for His delegation of giving birth to THIS young man. As painful as this test is it's just as much for me as it is for Dante'. I've come a LONG way and I'm stronger now than I ever imagined I could be. Dante' and I will both have testimonies after this test and a spirit filled message after this mess! I am so thankful for the making of our visit possible because it almost didn't happen. This is not his final place and this 66 month sentence is going to make him a better person. IT'S CLAIMED IN THE ALMIGHTY NAME! Lord I thank You.

I'm just one grateful individual right now because things could be so much worse! I could be visiting a grave and placing flowers but my Father has seen that NOT to be so. God has placed some wonderful people in my life during some of what I've felt were the worst times in my life. They are not only blood related but non-blood related as well and with that said I have to show my gratitude to 2 of the most recent, Kayla, for getting me there. She sat outside in her car and waited for me the entire time and that takes a real person who is looking out for your best interest and heart. Kayla and Johnica ... Lord I love you for them and I love y'all!! I'm a happy mom right now!! He looks well, sounds well and was full of love, jokes and knowledge for good ole mom! It's almost over, August 2014 can't get here quick enough so until then I ask for continued prayers for us both. As always, thank you for allowing me to place my joy and pains on your shoulders through words.

Mother of an Incarcerated son - Zimmerman Verdict

I've been sitting here in straight tears as I deal with these depressing feelings since the verdict was given Saturday. As a 12 year resident of Florida and all of its high profile court cases it just gets to me that my son was sentenced to serve 66 months in a Florida State prison for the theft of a vehicle and V.O.P. YET Zimmerman can murder a child and get acquitted. WTF MAN??? I am in AWE at this judicial system .... Totally in freakin' awe!!

I am by no means saying my son is a saint, I know he isn't and he must accept the punishment for the crime he committed. My perplexion comes at the fact that there was no weapon in his crime nor did anyone get hurt or killed. How does this warrant 5.5 years in prison? Zimmerman, on the other hand, murders a young man who he pursued, he created the situation then shoots him in the heart because Trayvon decided to stand HIS ground. He admits to shooting Trayvon YET he walks FREE!! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???

I know there is an issue of race in this case but right now this isn't about race, its about justice and fairness although no one ever said anything in life was fair. I can see, hug and speak to my son where the Martin's can not and for that I am forever grateful but it does not stop the pain. It's times like this that makes me wish I'd remained childless in this life.

I just want these tears to stop Father. These last 2 going on 3 nights have been filled with tears thinking of the life my son has chosen for himself and the time he is serving. I haven't and won't question You Lord because all things work together for the good and this I know. Dante's 66 month sentence is a part of Your work on him and I pray daily that he is listening and comes out with Your work on his mind.

In the meantime I'M SO DONE WITH FLORIDA and these U.S. laws NOT designed with 'US' in mind. Florida and its laws behoove me. It's so crazy how a dog has more rights than an African American citizen. I feel my son is truly in a world of trouble if he stays in Fl upon his release with his ex-felon record. I pray he will listen to this verdict and want to get out of the south. I am so detesting this state and its laws. I'm out of Florida in 2015, I am done ... so done. This is my first and last blog on this case, it's in GODS hands now.

Mother of An Incarcerated Son - Prison Life, time's almost up!

It's been a minute since I've blogged about my son as things have been pretty good and they still are. I received a letter from my son today that has me crying tears of joy and pain at the same time. He is now counting down his time in months as opposed to years and for that he is elated as am I. I went to the Florida Department of Corrections site to see his current release date, it was in October last I checked. As of today his current release date is 08/17/2014, that's a little over a year away. The time has flown by so quickly and I know it's been nothing but GOD that has kept me sane.

In the letter Dante' recently wrote he expressed how happy he was to hear from me, thankful for the pictures I'd sent and how, now as time is winding down, he didn't think he'd make it when he was shipped off to prison. He said on that ride to the prison for the 1st time he didn't know what to expect and on his 2nd day he witnessed someone lose their life by the hands of another inmate. He said he's witnessed several of these incidents while serving time. At this point the tears began to roll down my face. How does one come back from such sights? When you go to prison isn't it supposed to be a rehabilitation process? It seems prison is just an 'inside out city'. Everything that happens on the streets in the city, from murder to rape, happens on the inside of those prison walls. That's isn't rehabilitation at all.

What type of mind frame will my son have after this? I've felt locked up with him during this process but I have no idea how it truly feels to be confined to a small cell with toiletries you have to use in front of everyone, there's no privacy anywhere and you move when someone tells you to move. It's so hard to imagine the type of conditions these inmates have to deal with while in there. It's so crazy to think about how the inmates have to deal with the Corrections Officers and the treatment they give the inmate which depends on what type of day the C.O. is having or if a C.O. doesn't like you they can create hell for you during your entire sentence. I know some folk reading will say if they didn't commit a crime they wouldn't have to be there and that is so true but the fact remains they did, they are and it's STILL wrong to treat the inmates inhumanely!

The words of his letter shows so much maturity in some areas and of that I am happy. He has made it clear that he has NO other choice but to make something of himself upon his release because he has 2 beautiful daughters that need him out here more than the system (created to keep him confined) needs him. I stay in prayer for his emotional, physical and mental safety because ONLY GOD the Father can control any of it along with my son and though this letter brought about a lot of emotions viewing his current release date made it somewhat better! In a years time this will all be over and another chapter of his life will begin ... life of a convicted felon outside of prison walls!

The Natural Hair struggle is REAL!!

If I'd have known on January 1st when I decided to let my hair grow that I'd be dealing with hair struggles like I am now I'd probably not have done it! My daughter told me it'd be a tedious and sometimes frustrating journey but I figured I'd just lost 50 lbs in 2012 so this should be a walk in the park ... NOT!! My hair is a TYPE 4 grade of hair and as a result it has a 75% shrinkage rate. What does that mean? You will probably NEVER see the real length of my hair no matter how long it gets unless I stretch it out for you. *sigh*

I spent 30-40 minutes washing/conditioning/moisturizing this TWA (teenie weenie afro)! Who'd have thought??

It seemed with each step my fro shrank smaller and smaller! I'd just purchased some Cantu, new product for me, to see how much of a difference it would make. I'd seen this listed in a lot of Natural Hair forums, blogs and post so I decided to try along with my normal products. I'll definitely keep you posted on how my hair responds to it.

The end result ... I had to go back and look at my hair from January to now in order to really see that there is growth ...

I am now in that 'in-between' stage, that stage I often complained about when I was using the creamy crack and my hair wasn't long or short ... it just was! My daughter told me to find some hair decorations so off to the beauty supply store I will go next week when I am on vacation. That will be the next natural hair blog entry. This journey is REAL and so is the struggle!

IT MAY BE DELAYED BUT ITS NOT DENIED!!

I simply LOVE how GOD continues to show up, show out and CONFIRM!! I've been listening to Vicki Farrie's song CELEBRATE quite often and there's a line in it that has resonated in my spirit since the first time I put the CD on. It says "it may have been delayed but it's not denied" ... powerful words!! TODAY Bishop Zamekio Jackson spoke from 1 Samuel 1:8 about Hannah who so badly wanted to have a child and all she went through as she struggled to walk into her season of child bearing. During his sermon he used THAT line "it may be delayed but it's not denied" and it hit me and I HEAR YOU GOD and I thank you for my Bishop, Zamekio Jackson. Continue to use and bless him to do Your work Father.

I know this message was not just for me but for someone else needing to hear this as well. There's a 'baby' in you, a purpose the Father placed in you, in each of us that must be birthed. If you ask the Father to give you that of which you desire, your 'baby' in the stage you are in you must be willing to give it back to Him in praise, honor and glory for He is more than worthy.

What is your 'baby', do you know? It will come, just remember ... IT MAY BE DELAYED BUT NOT DENIED! Come worship with us at The Hospital Church, you are guaranteed to get a word. I leave with confirmation, affirmation and clarity after EVERY service!!

The Hospital Church

103 Century 21 Drive

Jacksonville, Florida 32216

Phone 904-257-3GOD (3463)

Email thehospitalchurch@gmail.com

Website http://hospitalchurch.info

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERYONE!!

Being a mother is one of the most REWARDING jobs one can ever have in life! It does not end when you the children get older either, it actually seems to heighten. I admire my mother because she has 2 adult children, 4 children and 4 great grandchildren. I can only pray that I live long enough to enjoy all she has to this day!!

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things, and crushes down remorselessly all that stand in its path" - Agatha Christie

LOVE YOU AVIS FREEMAN!! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU AND ALL OTHER MOTHERS, BIOLOGICAL AND/OR INHERITED!

Life of a Vi Diva blog

Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy my good people! I've SO been slacking on my blogs. I will push myself to do at least 1 blog a day BUT most if it will be health related so please go to my fitness/healthy lifestyle blog and follow me.

The address is: LifeOfAViDiva.blogspot.com <~~~ get there and I promise you won't be disappointed. The same great conversation I have on this blog will be brought forth on the fitness/healthy lifestyle blog!

I look forward to having you join me on that blog!

YES I DID THAT!!! =)

Mother of An Incarcerated Son - Happy 24th Birthday Dante!!

Today, April 9th, I could not let the day go by with out blogging a wish for a very Happy 24th Birthday to my son Dante, the 1st earthly male to ever truly steal my heart!! Mom loves you no matter what you've done as we all make mistakes and NO ONE but GOD the Father can judge us! I wish I could tell you personally but the extra money and card should say it all!! I am praying that you are able to enjoy your day in-spite of your current circumstances. Father please continue to watch over OUR son as well as myself.

I'd gone ALL day with no tears ... well, not since this morning and after a great time at the beach I came home to find a letter from my son. The tears began again immediately!! I love this child of mine unconditionally and it hurts me to know that there is nothing I can do about his current situation. As I had summed up from his last letter, there is something going on in the prison in regards to him. I told him before, the closer it gets to his release date the more the devil will show his head. Please continue to keep him lifted in prayer even though IT IS ALREADY WELL!! All prayers still required and desired. Thank y'all once again.