Mother of an Incarcerated Son - What about me???

As you all well know by now, I am a mother of 2 children, my incarcerated son is 23 and my daughter is now 21. As parents of multiple children sometimes we don't realize how much the other child(ren) are effected when the focus is on the one child that is "going through" or "taking us through". We don't realize how much we "neglect" the other child(ren), how it makes them feel that we favor the child taking us through more than them. Neglect is a strong word with many definitions but the one that suits this blog best: NEGLECT (verb)- give little or no attention to. It is usually unintentional but it unfortunately happens.

I asked her about her mixed emotions towards my blog(s), her response was sad, angry, hurt, depressed but she ended up being happy with the way things turned out (later explained in this blog). She said before my son began getting in trouble with the law we were a family. I went to work and no matter how hard I worked that day I came home and cooked...EVERY day almost. We were always out doing something, even if I had no money we found things to do. She had a happier mother, totally opposite of the mom she began to know.

My daughter was my "roadie". Where ever I went she went, if she could. When my vehicle moved she usually moved with it. My son, on the other hand, did not want any part of our activities, he preferred to run the streets. He has since informed me how much he regrets those decisions. It wasn't until I wrote the first "Mother of an Incarcerated Son" blog that my daughter opened up a little about how she felt. Her initial response was simply "mixed emotions".

Once Dante' began his run with the law and I lost my job which in turn caused me to lose my vehicle, our home and ultimately my children...everything changed. Here we were in Florida with no family, no one to rely on but us and we were slowly but surely falling apart. She told me she cried every night and just about all day long when she was staying with her friend, she missed her family and the life we used to have. We didn't have much but we always made due with what we had. It amazes me when I look back and see how much LESS I was making then but we lived in a nice apartment complex, had a really nice vehicle, planned great activities often and even had Jaguar's season tickets...but my life now does not reflect that and I make more. INTERESTING!!

Years have passed since the family drama began and over a year since starting this blog. I asked my daughter to write down all the things she felt so I could add, accurately, her feeling to this blog, in her own words, "WHAT ABOUT ME" ... the purpose for this blog. To this day she still has yet to provide me with that information, I think it is still a bit much for her to put on paper. It's still a bit much for her to put in words when we speak about it and more than 5 years has passed since it all started.

I want Deondrea Tillman, my daughter, to know that with every tear she cried, I cried also. When we were not together as a family, having to live apart because we had no home for almost a year ... I CRIED DAILY! I cried painful tears DAILY! I cried out for you, your brother and myself DAILY! When I HAD to send you back to VA because I could not provide for you, because you're brother was so out of control that I feared for your safety, that was the most PAINFUL thing that I, a mother, could ever do. I felt like I failed you as a mother. I still cry now but the tears are of joy because I look at how far we have come and how far we are going to go. I know all that happened, happened for a reason ... it was GODS will!

I want her to know I never meant to neglect her or make her feel like she was less important than her brother in any way. To this day I still believe she feels I love him more than I do her, though she has never admitted it. I am always on this MY SON quest, advocating for him but barely mentioning her. I will be honest and say there is a different love I share with both of my children BUT they are loved EQUALLY! Sometimes the child that has more "need", in this case my son, draws a parent away from the other child(ren), in this case my daughter ... be it on purpose or not ... it happens and it's not a good feeling.

I pray that she knows in her heart of hearts no matter how much or less she and I speak she is just as important and dear to me as her brother. I am proud of the young woman you have become and the greatness you are destined to achieve.