My Epiphany!

- "a sudden, powerful and often spiritual or life-changing realization one experiences in an otherwise ordinary moment"

While riding the bus today (Thursday being my usual day off) it really hit me hard how much I missed my mini me. This was our "outing" day, ya know, pay bills, Wally world visits, lunch, just all around hang out type of day. *sigh* No more of those days to come as my baby girl (much as it pains me) is no longer my baby girl but my beautiful young adult of whom I am EVER so proud! Her move back home (despite how much she loves and will miss her older brother and nieces) was to make her next move to further her future/life and become the adult she is supposed to be.

MOMMY LOVES YOU!!

This bus ride in solitude on a crowded bus made me realize how ALONE I was. I realized how I'd put my life on pause for my children. I mean, I chose not to date anyone in order to focus on my children, to include grand-children, they didn't ask me to. At times I think they prayed and WISHED I had someone, it would keep me out of their business! *LOL* I didn't want to feel like I was putting anyone before my LEGACY nor did I want my mate to feel like I wasn't giving him the love and attention he deserved. Astrology says GEMINI's are great at multi-tasking but on THIS here subject I missed the multi-tasking ship! LOL

BUT was that a bad thing? I mean, did I hurt myself in the long run by doing so because it seems even now I just can NOT get it together when it comes to this dating thing. At 41 you're supposed to be settled, right? You're supposed to be in the career you were meant to be in, right? You're supposed to have that "LOVE" thing on lock, right? WRONG!!! Pipe dreams and the life of that perfect marriage and white picket fence seem to be null and void these days.

I look at the break-ups before marriage (smart) and the ever increasing divorce rates and wonder do people even value relationships like they used to. *SMH* Maybe that's why I am ALONE, that man who has those old school values has not come along. A lot of that is my fault though...why? Because I have been a PROUD team leader for

for some time now and though I love a cub most don't have old school values because most are not raised with someone that has old school values. If I want to continue to "play" I can remain RIGHT WHERE I AM, in COUGAR-land but if I am to move on and be able to live happily ever after with those old school values (not too old school though) I will have to move on. My great days of fun in the sun with the cub of the week ends today! No more asking

and hearing the purrs roll off the tongue. *(I am cracking myself up here)* In all seriousness, this is just another part of my MISSION IMPOSSIBLE with the REINVENTION of ME!! As painful as it is, it must be done so to all my cubs who read this...it was FUN and the memories shall last FOREVER!

My flow of L.I.F.E.

It's funny how I look back at my old pictures of "young" and how much I've changed! I was never the BEST looking girl but I was FAR from ugly!

*giggles* Yep, that's me...my senior year. I was all of 17 and a size 18 or 20 but it never slowed my flow. What flow? My flow of L.I.F.E. = Lovely Inside For Eternity! I was never one, and still remain that way, to concern myself with others thoughts of me because it was ALWAYS what I thought that mattered and besides, if I don't think highly of myself why should anyone else, feel me? There was NOTHING that I couldn't get if I truly wanted it but somehow I still felt...empty. It was like there was something inside pushing to get out.

I can't even put a finger on it because life begin to fly by so fast as I became a mother immediately after high school and while obtaining my A.S. Degree had another child. So from 1988 to 1991, I gave birth to a handsome son and beautiful daugther

AND earned my A.S. Degree. *GO ME* Then just 8 months after graduation I became a WIFE! *HORROR FACE - LOL*

OK...so NOW the empty should go away, right? RIGHT...WRONG! *SMH* It seemed to have gotten worse once I had others to focus on aside from myself. It wasn't about me anymore and I wasn't sure how to feel! I know I wasn't feeling as beautiful as I had in the past as I began to focus less on me and my needs and focus on the needs of those around me. Sadly to say THAT didn't last long either. Being a wife happened at the WRONG time with the WRONG person though he was/is the best father I could have EVER asked for my children. (Much love to Antwan Tillman)

*fast forward* FINAL separation = February 1997; Florida relocation = January 2002; Legally Divorced = April 2011; Empty Next = September 2011

Man oh man...my flow of L.I.F.E. just keeps on flowing but this new direction is what had been inside of me trying it's best to get out AND it has been the toughest for me. The transitions to #TEAMNATURAL (have lost quite a few folk along the way) and my re-entry into the dating world have been quite interesting, not to mention I haven't even tapped into my school re-enrollment! Being natural has become a piece of cake and very enjoyable BUT the re-entry into dating...it's been one bumpy ride but I can handle it!

I'll just continue to keep on with my flow of L.I.F.E. until a

is added to the end of L.I.F.E. Think about that, you'll figure it out! ;-)

R.I.P. COMMON SENSE

One of my good friends posted this on Facebook and after yesterdays atrocity with Troy Davis and many Troy Davis' yet to come I had to share...ENJOY!!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, like don't spend more than you can earn and that adults, not children, are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. The reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.

MEN-strual CYCLE *TIME TO SHED*

MENSTRUATE: (DEFINITION) BODY SHEDDING OF...

OK...my daughter warned me when I cut ALL my hair off some of the things I'd have to endure by way of comments *WOO SAH* but I was not prepared for what I have had to deal with from the males I know. *SMDH* I mean, I am 41 and a lot of the men are my age but being a COUGAR allows me to also have quite a few younger male friends as well and I must say I never knew men could be so DAMN ONE WAY MINDED!! #UGH

Let me clear the air right now and answer questions I have been asked by MULTIPLE male friends (rather an ex, a wanna be or friend):

Q: What is wrong with you?
A: Why does ANYTHING have to be "wrong" with me? #UGH

Q: Why did you cut off all your hair?
A: Cause I wanted to and cause I could!!

Q: Are you gay now?
A: About as gay as you are!!

Q: Can I rub your head?
A: Why? Don't you have 2 of your own to rub?

Q: What is a man supposed to pull on when y'all are intimate now?
A: The same thing he was pulling on before we were intimate...that OTHER woman! NEXT!!

Q: Is this a mid-life crisis, are you going through something?
A: YEP...my MEN-strual cycle

If you look at the beginning of this blog I gave the definition to MENstruate. You are probably wondering WHY I am talking about my MEN-strual cycle, right? Well to menstruate is to "shed or rid the body of..." and I now realize and my daughter told me this too, that I am going to have to surround myself with a new group of people due to my natural hair decision. I didn't think that would be the case for me as I just KNEW I had more mature, adult men folk around me but I was wrong...TOTALLY wrong!

So I am now MENstruating...shedding/ridding myself of all the negative males that have nothing positive to say. Shedding/ridding myself of all the negative men who can't embrace the fact that being feminine has NOTHING to do with the length or grade of my hair. Shedding/ridding myself of all the negative men who feel like a woman has to be going through something because she wants her INNER beauty to shine, making physicality secondary.

I knew cutting my hair would bring about a LOT of changes but the men in my life...didn't see that one coming so if reading this makes you ball your toes up in your shoes or you get offended you MUST be one of the folk I am referencing. There is no need to text me or inbox me with more questions, apologies or what have you's, it's all good. I ain't mad atcha *in Tupac's voice* I just know where your head really resides!

Inner/Natural beauty is one that'll be there forever! Go back to your high school days, look at the HOTTEST chicks in high school and look at her NOW!! 9 times out of 10 she does NOT look that good anymore! Outer beauty fades most times and when it does will you still want to be there? Will that not so cute person keep your attention anymore? Will you/do you find yourself looking at hotter women, feeling the urge to cheat because you were attracted only to her physical presence and nothing else was there to keep you satisfied?

How about that sista with intellect; the one who can hold a conversation that intrigues you til the morning light? That sista peaked your interest due to her inner beauty. Brothers find a sista that has that and what her hair looks like will be of no interest to you because you'll love her just the way she is...INTERNALLY BEAUTIFUL!

I know no woman will ever say this but in my case I LOVE MY MEN-strual CYCLE! On to the new, better, understanding group of males! I know you're out there somewhere! Only GOD'S approval desired and required! #TEAMNATURAL

EMPTY NEST (EMPTINESS)

So I've been up since 5 a.m. this morning and I am SO tired I am blogging cross-eyed (not a good look when you have no hair BUT ANYHOO)!!! My baby girl, mini me BKA Deondrea, relocated back home today and to be honest I didn't know how to feel at first. I didn't cry like I thought I was when we were headed to J.I.A. or when we went to check-in and get her boarding pass or when I watched her walk away to get in that LONG line for security. I was so proud of me *sings Huggies commercial* I'M A BIG KID NOW!!! *giggles*

She cried though...

...and THAT'S when it hit me!! As I was driving away from J.I.A. and approaching 9A...it hit me hard that I was here alone now. It hit me that the last of my children had spread her wings to fly away, to become the successful young adult I know she will be! Lord knows I cried all the way home, thinking of the long distance between both of my children and I. It's funny to think that when we have children we think about that day they leave home and get out of our hairs but when the time comes...its one of the HARDEST things to deal with. It's the same transition most of us took when it was time for us to leave our parents home, the same one that we know our children will take but nothing softens the blow of the actual EMPTY NEST (EMPTINESS).

I know this is my time to "DO ME" and get myself together and I am going to do JUST THAT (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE WELL UNDER WAY)!! The umbilical cord has been severed my dearest Deondrea now fly...be ALL that you can be my dear! This life is yours for the taking so TAKE IT BY STORM!! Know that mom loves you and no distance will change what we have! I LOVE YOU!

I AM BEYOND PROUD OF YOU!!!

Received the "OKAY" #TEAMNATURAL

So I hadn't seen my son since last month and at that time I had hair...LOTS of it too!! So my daughter Deondrea and my two grand-daughters, Daysha and Mi'Jael, just sit and anxiously await for my son to come in the visiting area. Upon arrival they were conducting a "prison count" (accounting for all inmates) so it took longer than usual for him to come out. *taps fingers on table*

My daughter is just laughing her head off thinking of ALL the responses and reactions my son could come up with, after all she knows her brother! *SMH*

FINALLY...he comes out! *EYES WIDE OPEN* Laughter fills the air (my daughter of course)...he kisses and hugs her, kisses Daysha and Mi'Jael THEN stops at me...rubs my head...shakes his head and kissed my forehead!! YES...FLAWLESS VICTORY!! Nothing said indicates an A OKAY in my book...I reckon the 8 or 9 year old boy that said he wanted a "mama and daddy not 2 daddy's" is all grown up now! *dies laughing*

Isn't he handsome?!?! Yes...I tend to think so! *smile* We had SUCH a great visit, though incredibly emotional, but great nonetheless! GOD his him and GOD has US! This too shall pass and his present home won't be his home too much longer or ever again...I claim that in the ALMIGHTY name of the FATHER!

I really did it but now what?!?!? *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE*

I truly can't describe how I am feeling this morning. I was awaken out of my sleep by strong, random thoughts of "what am I supposed to be doing today"? I sat straight up in my bed, looked around the room, squinted to see the time on the clock and thought what AM I supposed to be doing today?!? :-/

It's as if the trauma of my #TEAMNATURAL move had totally moved in and taken over! All that once was there seem to have gone, by way of thought processing I mean. It took me all of 10-15 minutes, a trip to the bathroom, a light oil of the hair and brushing *record scratching noise* MY HAIR...IT'S ALL GONE!!!

WHOA...would you take a look at me?!?! WOW...natural beauty...this is going to be my true test of strength, endurance, courage and a show of rather or not I really do NOT wear my feelings on my sleeve!

My daughter told me that I will gets LOTS of comments like "who are you supposed to be? India Arie? Jill Scott?" Or better yet Amber Rose since I am blonde with it. And then the ALL TIME favorite "what, you're gay now?" Simple type ishness like that and more but if she can endure it and get through it then gosh darn it so can I!!!

I can't help but wonder how this will effect my re-entry into the dating game though and here's why: when my son was about 8 or 9 I used to keep my hair cut "barbershop low" (so this isn't my 1st natural) and apparently it bothered him. I never knew that but he made it PERFECTLY clear when he said as clearly and loudly as he could in the middle of a packed barbershop on a Saturday morning "Ma...I want a mommy and a daddy, not 2 daddy's"! *record scratches again* I didn't know what to say as EVERY man, woman and child turned to look at us...speechless I tell ya! My son is now 22 years of age and serving 66 months in a Florida state prison *pray for him please* and I wonder will that 8 or 9 year old boy show up at his visitation tomorrow...you will surely find out!

That little episode has surely stayed with me all these years and my thought process is as a child if he has that type of mind set (mommy's have hair, daddy's don't) how many men my age were that way coming up and are still trapped in the 'European mans definition of a woman' frame of mind? Are there any real, strong brothers out there truly ready to embrace a woman for her inner strengths and natural beauty without letting her hair or the lack there of define who she is and is to be?

This MISSION IMPOSSIBLE is turning into a POSSIBLE MISSION daily and with the first step complete I am well on my way. I don't intend on questioning the situations that come along with decisions I make during my journey, I simply intend on embracing them, facing them and going to my FATHER in prayer about them.

One of my favorite scriptures (book of Romans I believe) says "A MAN THAT FINDETH A GOOD WIFE FINDETH A GOOD THING" so with that said I will sit back and enjoy the 'REDEFINITION OF ME'!!!