My Toughest Assignment - Mother of An Incarcerated Son

I had not seen my Sun since April. Six months is far too long to go without seeing his face. That drought ended at around 10 o'clock on Saturday, October 12th. I had been unable to see him due to transportation. I am thankful to the Most High that my daughter relocated back to Jacksonville. It has made several things a lot easier in that regard. Every day with them I am reminded how tough of an assignment parenthood is.

I never truly thought about what it meant to be a mother when I conceived my children. I put no thought to what it would take to raise them, how cruel the world could be, what if they take a wrong turn nor how much selflessness would be involved. My only thought was that I would have a little person who belonged to me to love on and raise as my mother, grandparents and great-grandparents did for me. Growing up, I was a bit of a trouble maker, not with the law kind of trouble but that defiant, mouthy girl that stayed in trouble. I was once asked why do I do the things I do and my response was "the bible says we are not promised tomorrow so I need to do everything I can think of today." I still feel that way to be honest. (chuckles and shrugs) They always reminded me that I should respect and honor my elders because what I do will come back on me 10 fold when I have children. Of course, it did not hit me just how true that statement would turn out to be, not until my Sun started getting in trouble.

I recently wrote an apology letter to my children (see previous blog). Parenthood does not come with a how to manual so how I raised mine was a reflection of how I was raised. As I stated in that blog, I had an awesome childhood with lots of love and would not change it for anything. What I had to come to grips with is the fact that I did not have to emulate every part of it, meaning the discipline. I feel I was too hard on my children, more so my Sun, which could have caused him to go astray as he did. I won't dwell on that but as I reflect I know this has been my toughest assignment in life.

This is not my Sun's first rodeo behind those prison walls unfortunately. I told him if he ever went back the support I provided the first time would be significantly different. I provided $100 or more monthly and visited once monthly sometimes more if possible. I was very vocal with his Classification Officer and vocalizing displeasure to the administration. What's funny, for lack of better words, is how that decision seems to effect me worse than him. The past six months not being able to see him has taken a lot out of me. I don't believe any inmate should go without visits and love from family. That is a huge part of rehabilitation for them, mentally and emotionally in my opinion.

So to say the least, Saturday's visit was perfect and right on time. His daughter Divine and her mother joined us. He did not know they were coming so to see his mother, sister and now his daughter made him so happy. I watched him smile and be a father to a beautiful little girl who's first words when she saw him were "look mommy, I found my daddy!" That was the SWEETEST thing ever.

This time around has brought a change about in me, a good one I feel. It has placed something in me that wants to work on prison reform and possibly get my Sun involved. I am not sure what part of politics that is but I intend to find out. I also want to volunteer more. That selflessness I feel as a mother I now want to give to others not directly related to me. I believe, this time around, this is what I was meant to be shown. I see my toughest assignment has a tough assignment attached to it. Everything happens for a reason and I am ready ... I AM READY!