Failing is NOT an option - Depression Rut

Total transparency Thursday ... the past 24 hours have been the WORST for me. I have felt myself heading to this break down, it was just a matter of time and a matter of the trigger. I suffer from depression and it has gotten worst over the past year. I smile and keep it moving on the outside but on the inside I slowly feel like I am dying. I have found myself withdrawing from those who have been close to me, have given me an ear and shoulder to cry on as well as provide encouragement. I feel like I am a burden to them so the phone calls and text lessen. When I am out, I do my best not to show this side of me, especially to those I am not close to or don't know, but it is what it is sometimes ... this is that some time.

Anyone who knows me KNOWS I pride myself in being a straight A student. It doesn't always happen and a B may slip in there but anything less than that is failing in my eyes. I set a standard that I have to adhere to or else I won't meet my goals. Well, yesterday, I had my second mid-term since I returned to school. There's usually a paper to write, something to research or some type of visual/audio production to complete so studying a chapters was not required, just know and understand what was read.

Dr. Rhodes gave us a

and it was completely based on the ten questions that would be on the mid-term. I skimmed over the reading, finding the points in the review and made sure I wrote down the pages where the key points could be found in each chapter. My memory is for shxt so I had to go over it again immediately after class Monday, again Tuesday night and again Wednesday before the exam and you know what?

For one hour and thirty minutes I attempted to complete ten, yes TEN, lil funky essay questions and ended up answering seven before time ran out. That is automatically a 70, right? On top of that, there will be points taken off for things I may have missed in the other seven answers. I just want you all to know I AM TRAUMATIZED ... like seriously! I cried yesterday and today THEN on top of getting my first failing grade, I weighed myself this morning to have the scale greet me back with a HELLO CHANEL, YOU ARE NOW 203 POUNDS. I have not been this heavy since 2012 when I was 210 lbs.

YES I know failing a midterm is not the end of the world. YES I KNOW gaining weight is not the end of the world either especially since I know what to do to get it off BUT unless you suffer from depression you don't understand the daily mental battles that go on in your head preventing you from completing normal everyday things, let alone school and fitness.

In my mind, I was like

This can't be happening to me but indeed it was ... IT IS! I've been told to get a grip, stop being extra and do something about it. True enough, that's what needs to be done but again I say, it is NOT that easy. Mental disorders are crippling and until I can get out of this funk it will be a difficult task.

I have started with some small steps

I had to "parent" myself and remove one of the most time consuming things out of my life. I also reviewed the syllabus to see where I can get myself ahead of the game with work and assignments. Will my ADHD allow me to continue that? Only GOD knows but we are going to give it our level best over here! Who is we? Queta and me, that's who!

As for the weight loss, I am going back to some of my pescatarian and vegan ways, adding at LEAST a 15 minute work out EVERY day with my girl Leslie Sansone! I have 20 lbs to get off and it must be done by June for my 47th birthday. Leslie has NEVER let me down!

I had to get a quick picker upper today, make a sister feel a LOT better so what'd I do?

I enhanced my grandmothers old breast cancer tattoo, she more than deserves a beautiful tribute, AND I had my teenie weenie afro braided! A new do not only makes you look good but it sure makes you feel better and PLEASE BELIEVE ...

Y'all pray for a sister, it's harder than people can imagine. Sometimes I feel I set my school standards too high but if you set mediocre goals you'll get mediocre results! As for the weight, this is for me and my health not for anything else. YES I know I look fine as is. YES I am beautiful just the way I am, no question and whatever else folk tend to throw in the arena when someone mentions weight gain but I need to get, remain and maintain a heart healthy lifestyle so I need to get this weight down!

I am going to claim it in advance ...