There is NO ugly stage - #Locdfor50

I used to ask my barber all the time how do these young men get these full heads of healthy looking hair and he said "they leave it alone." I did not quite get it at first because I am thinking the scalp must be moist and hair follicles stimulated for growth and the hair attended to for the prevention of breakage. It was not until I began this loc journey that I overstood what he told me. It has not been a full month since my coils were done yet there is so much growth in the bush (my old teenie weenie afro saying)!! I simply water my hair like flowers with the best oils, retwist where I see needed and try my best to leave them alone otherwise. My daughter fusses at me constantly, like SHE'S the mother, about keeping my hands out of my head. It is hard but I am getting the hang of it because the more I leave it alone, the more it grows.

I can not contain my excitement for these starter locs. I remember thinking "I don't want to go through the ugly stage" and wanted to get loc extensions installed. (see previous blog - Loc'd for 50) After researching that option and finding out 1.) human hair MEANT HUMAN HAIR and 2.) how costly it would be for installations I abandoned that idea and possibly the idea of ever taking on the loc journey. I was NOT paying that kind of money to get some strangers hair installed into my head not knowing who they were or how they lived. A persons energy is EVERYTHING TO ME! Surprisingly, as I take this journey, I have come to realize there is NO ugly stage! I mean, how could there be? There is nothing ugly about me so how can I go through that type of thing, right? It is just me embracing this journey as it is and all that it involves.

I am a part of a group, Lady Locs Matter, on Facebook. That group provides so much information regarding the loc transition that even in my frizziest moments, my coils unraveling, and all out hair chaos I am trusting the process. My daughter, who has long gorgeous locs, also aides me in this journey. Want to see her?

Ok, I guess I can post another picture showing her loc length. (inserts proud mom smile) They hang mid-way down her back.

This was the day she installed the coils for me. Look at the difference 3 weeks has made!! You can refer back to the first picture in the blog also.

I wish I had taken a picture with a coil stretched out on the first day so a true comparison can be seen. The 'hang time' is definitely different and these things actually move a little bit when I swing my head. I may have to swing it with some force but they are swaying nonetheless.

The enjoyment of this journey goes far beyond what I thought it would be and to think it is JUST beginning. For those of you feeling a way about that ugly stage I encourage you to bring forth EVERY beautiful aspect of yourself so that you can truly see there IS no ugly stage, just a process we must trust in order to get the results we want.

My Toughest Assignment - Mother of An Incarcerated Son

I had not seen my Sun since April. Six months is far too long to go without seeing his face. That drought ended at around 10 o'clock on Saturday, October 12th. I had been unable to see him due to transportation. I am thankful to the Most High that my daughter relocated back to Jacksonville. It has made several things a lot easier in that regard. Every day with them I am reminded how tough of an assignment parenthood is.

I never truly thought about what it meant to be a mother when I conceived my children. I put no thought to what it would take to raise them, how cruel the world could be, what if they take a wrong turn nor how much selflessness would be involved. My only thought was that I would have a little person who belonged to me to love on and raise as my mother, grandparents and great-grandparents did for me. Growing up, I was a bit of a trouble maker, not with the law kind of trouble but that defiant, mouthy girl that stayed in trouble. I was once asked why do I do the things I do and my response was "the bible says we are not promised tomorrow so I need to do everything I can think of today." I still feel that way to be honest. (chuckles and shrugs) They always reminded me that I should respect and honor my elders because what I do will come back on me 10 fold when I have children. Of course, it did not hit me just how true that statement would turn out to be, not until my Sun started getting in trouble.

I recently wrote an apology letter to my children (see previous blog). Parenthood does not come with a how to manual so how I raised mine was a reflection of how I was raised. As I stated in that blog, I had an awesome childhood with lots of love and would not change it for anything. What I had to come to grips with is the fact that I did not have to emulate every part of it, meaning the discipline. I feel I was too hard on my children, more so my Sun, which could have caused him to go astray as he did. I won't dwell on that but as I reflect I know this has been my toughest assignment in life.

This is not my Sun's first rodeo behind those prison walls unfortunately. I told him if he ever went back the support I provided the first time would be significantly different. I provided $100 or more monthly and visited once monthly sometimes more if possible. I was very vocal with his Classification Officer and vocalizing displeasure to the administration. What's funny, for lack of better words, is how that decision seems to effect me worse than him. The past six months not being able to see him has taken a lot out of me. I don't believe any inmate should go without visits and love from family. That is a huge part of rehabilitation for them, mentally and emotionally in my opinion.

So to say the least, Saturday's visit was perfect and right on time. His daughter Divine and her mother joined us. He did not know they were coming so to see his mother, sister and now his daughter made him so happy. I watched him smile and be a father to a beautiful little girl who's first words when she saw him were "look mommy, I found my daddy!" That was the SWEETEST thing ever.

This time around has brought a change about in me, a good one I feel. It has placed something in me that wants to work on prison reform and possibly get my Sun involved. I am not sure what part of politics that is but I intend to find out. I also want to volunteer more. That selflessness I feel as a mother I now want to give to others not directly related to me. I believe, this time around, this is what I was meant to be shown. I see my toughest assignment has a tough assignment attached to it. Everything happens for a reason and I am ready ... I AM READY!

Find the blessing in the lesson - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

I was just speaking with a dear friend about the Guyger/Botham verdict. We were discussing the "hug and forgive" moment that has gone viral. If you are unaware of the moment let me help you out: the brother of the murdered embraced the killer in the courtroom and stated on the stand "I wasn't going to say this in front of my family or anyone, but I don't even want you to go to jail." Not only did he hug her but so did the judge. This entire conversation brought out quite a few feels. You see, my friend has a slain son and I have an incarcerated son.

Our sons situations are totally unrelated cases but our conversations included them. When my son was home I prayed daily, multiple times a day, that his life was never taken and that he never came to a place where he would have to take a life. That was always a fear of mine. Whenever I heard police sirens I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I know I am not alone in this.

As she and I conversed, she said something that I have said to my son and reminded myself of on many occasions. THIS, in itself, is a reason that I and any parent of an incarcerated child, should be thankful, grateful even.

She said to me and I quote "I pray you NEVER have to endure the pain of burying a child. I always told all 3 of my boys I'd rather VISIT you than BURY you." Although I don't like that my child is locked up, I recognize it for the blessing it is. The Most High kept me sane by allowing me to still see, talk to and even physically visit my child and his grave site. In speaking to my friend, hearing the pain of having buried a child in our conversation, I am reminded I was spared the pain she endures every day. I tell myself as I go through this current phase in my live that I am still able to share moments with my child where so many others can not. I had to find the blessing in the lesson.

Loc'd for 50

So yea, I did a thing. Actually, my daughter did a thing for me. I had been talking about loc'ing but I was also procrastinating heavily about it. First I said I wanted to let my hair grow longer but the more I saw my growing afro I wanted to go sit in my barbers chair and get another BIG CHOP! This would be my 4th or 5th, I can't keep up.

Then I said I wanted loc extensions BUT when my loctician told me to purchase human hair, well, that ended that idea. You see, I am BIG on energy and my not knowing who this human hair once belonged to vexxed me. I needed to know how this person lived. Did they take care of themselves? Did they smoke, drink or do any type of drugs? What type of things were they into period. I did NOT want any negative energy tied to my soon to be growing locs so THAT was out.

And then, and then and then, and then ... I could go on but all the "and then" did was cause major delays in the process. I said I wanted to get these loc's going during my #Journeyto50 and at the rate I was going it wasn't going to happen. I have to thank my daughter DeeDee for pushing the gas pedal on this process. She sat down and coiled my hair for me so I could see how I'd like this stage. I hear so many people talk about the ugly stage and for me, that could only be the extra short starter locs.

I've seen so many young men, some grown men too, walking about with those wicks in their heads. They truly look like little candle wicks and I was NOT going to do that but once she was done and I fine tuned a few pieces I FELL IN LOVE!! Want to see?

Listen, ALL I need now is an AWESOME eyebrow makeover! I will have that done sooner than later but let me hear what you all think about my starter locs. I am excited to begin this journey. September 16, 2011 is my natural hairversary and now September 26 will be my locversary. I have been transitioning in a major way these past 2 years. Enjoy this part of the journey with me. Maybe I'll inspire you to join me. #LocNation

A letter to my Children - I Apologize

The hashtag #GrowingUpBlack was trending really hard a few years back. These same memes, with a few new add ins, resurface around the holidays via social media and when we get together with family and friends. Anyone approximately 35 years old and up laugh and joke about the joy of being raised in a black family with comical emphasis on the disciplinary part. I remember the days of picking out our own switch. It had better not be a bad one because if the elder had to go pick one it would not be good for you. It quickly escalated from picking the switch to counting how many welts you now have all over your arms and legs or any part that was hit.

We laugh about being disciplined by whatever an elder could get their hands on - race track parts, shoes with or without heels, wooden fork or spoon off grandma's kitchen wall, cooking spatula, belt with a big buckle, backside of hand, etc. God forbid you actually dodged the disciplinary tool of choice because that glare of death you were sure to get was almost worse than the hit itself. YOU KNEW YOU WERE REALLY GOING TO GET IT!!

This is just one of many stories we share with each other. We then justify these actions by saying "but we turned out alright, didn't we?" Or "we didn't die!" I spoke on and laughed about it just like everyone else, that is until I was blessed with grandchildren. My daughter sent me this post a few weeks back and I laughed at first but then I became very sad.

Yes, I am that grandmother that will get angry if you even speak of disciplining my grandchildren. Nothing they could do would warrant putting a hand on them.

That thought process all seemed okay until I had to ask myself, why weren't my own children afforded that same courtesy? My children, more so my son, caught everything about the #GrowingUpBlack disciplinary part, to include the yelling. He caught it because I caught it and passed it on to him. I thought this was the way it was supposed to be. Why didn't my daughter get it? She learned what not to do by watching her brother so she stayed clear of corporal punishment, just like my younger sister.

This meme is such a perfect depiction of what growing up the oldest child is like. It sucks being the 'parenting guinea pig' for parenting rules. It sucks getting punished for everything of which your younger siblings will NEVER be punished. It sucks catching all of the younger siblings punishment because "you're the oldest, you are supposed to set the example!" What a crock of bull! If I heard that once I heard it one million times. Unfortunately, so did my son.

You know that old phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child"? This is a phrase I heard often as we were raised in a family that lived in church. Most of my life I thought this phrase was biblical but not too long ago read it is not. Yes Proverbs 13:24 does say "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." The explanation given does not mean to physically strike a child but to lead and guide with the rod like the Shepherd did to their flock when they steered off course. It is said they did not hit the sheep but merely use the rod to guide them back on the right path. I am not here to teach but I wanted to drop that small tidbit in here. Not knowing this at the time I became a young mother, I simply knew I didn't want my children to be the spoiled ones so I did what I was subliminally taught to do. I was not told to hit my children at any point in life but your only lessons on parenthood comes from how you were raised for the most part. Do NOT get it twisted, I had a GREAT life ... would not change a thing about it but what I would change is how I raised my own children.

I would have the same thought process that I now have when it comes to my grandchildren. I would change how I respond to the disobedience. I honestly don't think I would physically discipline them the way I did, as much as I did. Every action did not require the reaction I gave but I knew no other way. I did to them what I received every time I was disobedient. It pains me that my son has those kinds of memories. On so many occasions he would say I don't love him and that I love his sister more. He felt this because she rarely ever got in trouble and when she did, if he was around, he ended up getting it all. Any of my readers who are the oldest child overstand this? Can you relate? I share that same story as my son but my story did not have to become his story.

For my daughter, it was different. Although she didn't get much from the physical aspect of #GrowingUpBlack, she did get a 'lack of emotional support'. She also expressed how she felt I loved my son more especially when he began getting in trouble with the law. One thing we as parents, with more then one child, often forget is to equally distribute the attention. It's not intentional but it happens. I spent so much time focusing on my son's issues that I inadvertently neglected my daughter and her needs. When she was going through life changing events I wasn't there. I let her down. To this day, there are things she will not talk to me about on the strength of my actions. As a parent this hurts to know my child can't, won't come to me about everything. Having parents that listen is so important. It creates children that believe what they have to say matters.

As time passes, I realize the biggest mistakes I made as a mother was not the mistakes themselves but the fact that I never took the time to apologize for them. This letter to my children aligns with my hopes of making it right.

Dante' and Deondrea, I apologize. I apologize for all the times I may have been too hard on you. I apologize for all the times I may have said things that made you feel you could not come to me about ANY AND EVERYTHING. I apologize for any action that made you feel as if I was not proud to be your mother. I apologize for enabling you in any way. I apologize for not listening to hear what you were saying but instead listening to respond. The Most High entrusted me with 2 of the greatest gifts ever received in my life, you two. I apologize that it has taken so long to apologize. I want you both to know if you need me CALL ME! It doesn't matter if I am sleeping, out line dancing, dealing with issues of my own or if we've just had an argument, CALL ME! If you require my presence and I am able or just conversation do not hesitate to reach out. I will always be there for you no matter how big or small the problem. I know this won't happen over night and will continue to be a work in progress but we can get it done. We can heal together. I love you.

It was all a dream ... so what does it mean?

I was standing in YOUR kitchen at YOUR stove in YOUR place preparing YOUR meal. Nothing in this dream indicated if we were married, in a relationship or even together ... we just were. Playing softly in the background was the debut self titled album from the group Intro.

If you don't know, this here is one phenomenal album. 11 songs and all are listen worthy. Skipping a track isn't even a thought. Each track took me back to the days when music was music. When music was authentic. When music was pleasing to the ear and 1993 was a really good year for music. Tony! Toni! Toné! - Sons of Soul, Jodeci - Diary of a Mad Band, Babyface - For the Cool in You, R. Kelly - 12 Play, and one of my all time favorites Meshell Ndegeocello - Plantation Lullabies were all released in 1993 just to name a few. I was six songs into the album with no visitation to the kitchen which had the place smelling really good. What was I cooking? I have no clue but I do remember it was a pleasing aromatherapy. I was belting out the words to Intro's rendition of Stevie Wonder's RIBBON IN THE SKY when I felt a presence slowly creep up behind me but it was not until song #7 that I felt a pair of the softest hands on my skin.

As Kenny "G-Love" Greene began to softly speak the introduction to the song I felt your breath on my neck as you begin speaking them as well.

Hey baby Shh You don't have to say it, I know I know I haven't been there for you lately, I'm sorry It's not that I'm running out on you I wanna be into you You're all that I want You're all that I need So please Don't leave me.

Your hands slowly moved down my shoulders and my arms stopping around my waist. As that first beat dropped when Kenny finished his spill we swayed left to right to the smooth sound of DON'T LEAVE ME. His voice is so melodic as was yours. I was clueless that you could even sing but you sang every word, down to the adlibs. Halfway through the song you turned me around to face you and continued to sing as you looked into my eyes. You sang this song as though I had indicated I was leaving. You pulled me close to you and continued singing, caressing my face as you sang "baby don't leave me, you're all that I want, you're all that I need." I felt tears forming in my eyes. Your voice, your touch, everything about this moment was so emotion filled. The look in your eyes drew me closer and as the song drew to a close you took my hand and led me to YOUR room. That's when I woke up in MY bed. It felt so real but what topped it off is I don't remember you having a face, only eyes that revealed your soul. I saw what was in them. Every emotion, every feeling you had poured out of them but that is it.

I had just been speaking on how I don't remember any of my dreams these days and then this happens. One of my Facebook friends had posted a song from this album earlier in the evening and I started listening to it so this album being in my dream was not a surprise. Actually I am listening to it as I create this blog. I didn't get to sleep until about 5 a.m. and was awakened about 9:30ish so to have dreamed in that short amount of time has me perplexed especially since I had not been remembering any dreams.

I read this on one of these social sites. It actually crossed my feed a few times and now I wonder ... what's the message?

Turbulence on Tube 49 - Journey to 50

A few weeks back my dear sister friend LaTrice (Trice) invited me to join her and 2 other friends at the ICHETUCKNEE SPRINGS STATE PARK (ISSP) and I happily accepted. I have said I wanted to do different things, things out of my norm, on my #Journeyto50. THIS here lined right up with that want. You see, Trice and I talk pretty regularly and she knows in this last year of my 40's I have a few things I want to accomplish before turning 50. Do not be deceived, I had several questions prior to truly committing to this adventure. You see, everyone who knows me knows that I am not a 'nature' person so I was slightly traumatized before I even got in the car! Why?

I can not swim, (singing) NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM, CAN'T CATCH THE RHYTHM OF THE STROKE so I had to know if a life jacket would be needed. Oh and let's not forget water shoes. Needless to say, I put on my big girl panties and took on this adventure with no life jacket or water shoes but I now KNOW, the shoes are a must IF I were to do this again. The feeling of that slimy moss under my bare feet and slipping on those rocks was not the way. And the life jacket? I am still on the fence with that one. So we arrive to the area where you had to grab tubes, yes tubes. We were going to be tubing, floating down the spring. I don't even float in a pool y'all! Yes, I am one of those people who fit in that "black people don't swim" category but in my case it's swim NOR float! Let me paint the picture for you real quick.

Yep, that's my type of pool party!! So, now that you overstand where my anxiety was coming from lets move on. Initially, this was supposed to be a 3 hour float but I, to this day, believe the Most High was looking out for your girl. I do NOT think, NO, I KNOW I would not have made it that entire time and nor would Trice. As her tube partner I was THE WORST and I own that! We ended up doing a 45 minute float and that was just enough because, listen, I did not even think about wildlife. Y'all, when we arrived to the spring entry with our tubes I saw a sign that mentioned alligators.

This is not the exact sign as I left my phone in the car so NO pictures were taken by me but this is similar to what it said. I did a 180, you hear me? I have no idea why I did not think about this, like why wouldn't they be there? IT IS NATURE AFTER ALL!! (face palm) Trice quickly turned me right back around and we marched to the spring entrance. Lord have mercy, if only we had video of the "tube loading"! I already felt like I was drowning and the water was only to my waistline. I was a WATER DRAMA QUEEN! All kinds of yelling and foolishness going on. I have to apologize and say thank you to these three ladies because pushing off was a mess but Trice was victimized with my shenanigans the most.

She did provide great pep talks as she laughed at my pain. You would have to see the videos on our IG (Fairgame_podcast) and FB (Fair Game with Chanel & LaTrice) pages. Make sure you follow us as well. We are on a strategical planning hiatus BUT we will be back, bigger and better with a bit of fitness in tow. These are the faces of the FairGame Queens, Chanel and LaTrice.

Now lets get to the meat and potatoes of this adventure. Did I mention our tubes were initially tied together? We 4 were going to float down this spring as a unit but it did NOT work out that way. When we finally started nothing seemed to go right. The spring had us floating backwards, we all kicked and rowed which produced no real results so not even 10 minutes in we had to cut the cord. This, my friends, is where the real shenanigans begin. I swear I owe Trice all kinds of apologies because I was the WORST tube partner for real.

I was looking for all kinds of water predators, sitting in indian style, one arm rowing and feet kicking for dear life to get away from the approaching banks and tree limbs sticking out all over the place. They were going to puncture our tubes, I was going to sink and drown or be eaten by alligators ... these were my thoughts. Trice says "just let it flow with the current friend" but that current was sending us to danger ... DANGER (in Mystikal voice)!!! Oh my word, we were only about 20 minutes in if that and life was just OVER in my mind. Why was everyone else floating straight down the river, no problems. They were just laughing and smiling, even when we floated right into them. We had several tube collisions but for the most part the other tubers were friendly. Want to see how I was through most of the tubing? Here ya go ...

Arms folded, head on a swivel for alligators, snapping turtles and snakes, yes them too! What if a water moccasin came slithering by and struck me? Or, or, or (yes the dramatic stutter) a snapping turtle nipped at my feet. HELP ME NOW! I am traumatizing myself again as I type. I COULD HAVE DIED Y'ALL! Whew child ... anywho ... this was me but to see it in action you must go to our IG page (Fairgame_podcast). I look at the video and immediately get embarrassed. My daughter said "mommy I felt so bad for you, you were struggling so much" YET she laughed at me! I tell you. If anyone had asked me earlier that day what I was doing THIS would not have been my answer had I thought this through. None of you BETTER not ask me that question either? Which one? Oh y'all know ...

I will tell you this, in my mind I DIED! I died SEVERAL times too! Now, moving forward ... this is basically how the entire 45 minute float down the spring went. Guess what? Near the end the sky changed and a storm started brewing. Oh the Most High was getting all kinds of conversation from my side of the tube. I was not prepared to be drowned from above and below. All I heard at that moment was Jada Pinkett Smith saying "LORD TAKE ME NOW!"

Y'all do NOT overstand my struggle. I CAN NOT SWIM!! Whew child, I have to get my mind right all over again. When we get to the end it starts to sprinkle. I am so thankful for nice people. There was a lady standing on the steps where we were to dismount our tubes, she saw my struggle, she heard my cry and she answered. Trice was too busy laughing at me. This is us at the end of our float. The smile on my face is like a victory lap! I MADE IT! I MADE IT Y'ALL!! IT WAS OVER!! (quick praise break)

Now you may ask, will I do it again? (deep heavy sigh) YES, YES I WILL but I will be more prepared! Scar meant what he said when he said it! Proper preparation prevents a poor performance and my performance will not be the same the next time. I am 10 months away from 50 and I have zip lining and parasailing to tackle. Why do I want to play in water and I can't swim. I swear I question myself so much y'all but you only die once and have but this life to live SO LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!! Stay tuned for the next adventure on my Journey to 50.