It seems I am always at my most creatively, talkative place when I am going through something. For once I would love to just write more when all is well but who will read that, right? This world is so hell bent on glorifying the negative aspects of this life and it is sickening but that's what the world has come to.
So on to my struggle for this blog. My son was sitting, as some call it, in a Duval County jail cell since February 22nd.
Let me rewind ... I remember telling him when he was released June 1, 2014, from his previous 5 year prison sentence, that I was done. I was not traveling this road anymore. I told him to get it together because he has entirely too much to offer to keep being known as a number. I did not want to hear the clinking of the gates opening or the slamming of their closing ever again. I did not want to give $100 of my hard earned money on a monthly basis to him ever again for commissary. It was supposed to end there. He agreed and was doing so well. He had a few snags along the way but nothing that kept him down or required him to go back to prison. His music and a bit of modeling were taking off, my granddaughters had their father and BOOM, this happens.
Moving forward ... He went to court June 21st, the day after my 48th b-earthday, and was given 3 years mandatory. The conversation we had after this brought me to tears. What doesn't these days tho? (shrugs) Long story short, even if he appealed it with the discovery in his favor, which he did not find out about until that day in court because the public pretender had not disclosed it to him, he probably would have gotten more time. We know the pretender would not have fought for him, hell, he didn't even tell him about the positive discovery the judge did so back into this system he goes. I was able to see him Friday, June 29th. I knew this visit was going to be the last time I would see him in awhile. The tears rolled continuously and my chest stayed full with all kinds of emotions from hurt, mad, sad, and disappointed. I was all over the place emotionally but before he saw my face I had to get it
ALL THE WAY together. I could not let him see me like that. You know what's crazy? I have been told on multiple occasions that "he needs to see you hurting and crying, maybe then he'll tighten up and get it together. If not for himself at least for his daughters". As true as that may be, that's not how a mother thinks ... that's a masculine thought process and y'all can keep it to yourselves. I had to get some of those extremely raw emotions out of me before I sat on the opposite side of that jail glass or else we would all be crying' him, his girlfriend and myself. What better way to do it then to write. 'A Mothers Love' poem is shown in picture below.
Writing soothes me and allows me to release uninterrupted, it takes me to another place. When you are consumed with feeling like you have done all you could do to keep your children on track yet they still derail it does something to you. We have all messed up at some point in our lives, our children will be no different. They mess up, we stand behind them so that they can get back on their feet and love them as a parent should but how many times do you do that before being labeled an enabler? I know I was one and this time I had to remind myself, as he often would, that he is grown and I have to let him handle it on his own. This entire situation hurts me to my very core. When he first went in I stayed as far away from this situation as I could. The world calls it
tough love but I never saw it that way. I saw it as a mother giving up on her child, that was until I actually did it. I had no contact with him nor did I put any money on his book until mid-May. I needed him to see I was serious about what I said. It was then that he realized he needed me more than I needed him. I can't and won't lie, that time apart was necessary for the both of us. I am grateful and thankful for his girlfriend Imani, she kept me posted on how he was doing and his well being.
Today, July 2, 2018, begins yet another journey. I was hoping to get downtown to get his property before they transferred him to reception. I checked the JSO inmate site and it had him listed as still there so at 6:30 a.m. I hopped on JTA making my way downtown, walking fast to get his property and have him sign a P.O.A. to get his items out of evidence.
Side note: I was moving so much so it was considered a workout by my FITBIT!!
Something as simple as morning errands became a workout ... I'll take that! But back to the subject at hand, I get there and I am informed he is no longer there. He was transferred out early this a.m. Of course I began to cry. I knew it was coming but it never really hits you until it
HITS YOU! I went into the rest room, cried, wiped my face and fixed my crown and headed back downtown. Let me tell y'all how the Universe smacked me in my face with that "
GET IT TOGETHER CHANEL" back hand! As I walked, about 2 blocks from the jail, the inmate transport bus that just a few hours earlier had my son on it, passed me headed back to the jail. How is that a "get it together" moment you ask? Well, seeing that bus made it even the more real to me that 1) my son was gone to prison AGAIN, he is no longer in county, 2) there is NOTHING I can do about it and 3)
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE WOMAN!! The Universe reminded me that I have family, specifically my daughter and granddaughters, that need me. I am but 12 credit hours away from finishing my Bachelors degree. I have a great job that supports me via scheduling with my many life tasks, a fun LIVE broadcast with a dear sister friend, Vice Commander position of a pro 2nd amendment group and a King who does his best to stand by and love me even when I am constantly pushing him away. I have entirely too many positive things going on in my life to let myself be beat down by something that is out of my hands. I have a favorite saying that I often share, more like preach, to others but I somehow always fall short of it.
As I look back at the past few months, since my son has been incarcerated, I really should not be complaining or be too sad about this sentence. There have been so many shootings resulting in critical injuries and fatalities, mainly young men and a few women and children of color right here in Duval County. Our children are being killed at an alarming rate, most of them by someone who looks just like them. No, I haven't forgotten how law enforcement has played their part as well, mister protect and serve. We get daily reminders via the news. I say all of that to say this, I can still see my son, unlike the mothers of those slain in our streets. As many tears as I have cried for my incarcerated son, I have never cried the tears for the death of my child and for that I am grateful. I think about how we are always told to pray or told I am praying for you and things are supposed to get better. I'm sure those mothers prayed for their children and look what happened. I remember my son telling me about a few things that happened when he was serving those 5 years and I thought, my God ... was no one praying? I am not knocking prayer, please do not get that twisted but how could these things have happened if we were all praying? Did someone not believe for what they were praying? I know the Most High provides and the Universe will give you what you give it but sometimes we do NOT want to hear all of that prayer talk. I'm just being honest. Just be a listening ear, have a sturdy shoulder, have an open heart and most importantly an overstanding mind. If you want to pray, that is fine, you don't have to announce it. NIKE that prayer ...
JUST DO IT!! We don't always want a response, sometimes we just need to vent and this is why I blog ... uninterrupted venting time. I appreciate you all for listening to/reading my woes. I feel better and hopefully any mother/parent going through what I am can find comfort knowing they are not alone in this journey/struggle. There is no guide to parenting and we all fall short sometimes but if you have done EVERYTHING you possibly could, find solace in that. Love you all with my whole heart!
