The name STORM describes my chaotic and unpredictable nature. My GEMINI mind is ALWAYS running. Here you will find the twists, turns & adversities of my life including weight loss/fitness, natural hair care, my son's incarceration, firearm instruction and simply moving along my Journey to 50. May 2019 I obtained my B.S. in Converged Communications and now I am learning to love again. This will be interesting and to it all I say BRING IT!
Mother of an Incarcerated Son: Thursday turned out better than it started!
Thursday a.m. I had a moment. My neighbor asked about my son because she had not seen him in awhile. The entire conversation had me in my feelings for most of the day. One would think it would be easier by now, with this not being his 1st nor 2nd time behind bars but it isn't. It actually seems to be getting harder and worst. Today I decided that I needed to go see him or at least write him. I have kept my distance since he was arrested in February but each time he is brought up or I see a picture of him it takes me to a place ... a really sad, dark place and today was one of those dark place days. I needed to release so here I am.
In the process of starting my letter my daughter tells me she received an email about communications with my son. Obviously I am ALL out of the loop with this because you can now email and video chat (of course for a fee) with the county inmates!! The prisons did not have this when my son was there 4 years ago but I am sure they do now, they have to. County can't beat the prison system, right? I see this for what it is though, another money scheme by the system at it's finest. The minimum is $10 and EVERY thing cost, from sending an email to uploading pictures for your profile to your newly created account and adding pictures in your photo gallery to share with the inmate. The system finds a way to play on our heart strings, don't they but after Thursday mornings emotional breakdown you all know and account was set up and funds were added immediately. This is how they get us, the family members and other loved ones of inmates.
By the time I decided to write this blog, I was a happier mother and my mood had completely been lifted. I have been emailing with my son and sent pictures of myself and his daughters. He sounds/reads JUST LIKE THE DANTE I KNOW! I raised a trooper that I wish could simply stay out of trouble! The Most High KNEW I needed this in the worst kind of way. It was the ONLY thing that was holding me down in a bad place, all else was well. I knew the reason my emotions were running extremely high was because I had not spoken to my son. I was trying to be that 'hard nosed, he has to learn' mother and it ended up hurting me more so then him so I needed to change that ... for me. No matter what our children do we should be there in some capacity and that is what I plan to do. Definitely not all in like I was in the years before but he will know he is loved and I will do all I can for him within reason. Thank you all for listening/reading. I needed to get this off of my chest.
I Thought I Had on my Big Girl Panties - Mother of an Incarcerated Son
June 1 2014 was the day my son walked out of Baker County Correctional Institution as a free man. He had been gone since November 2009, I remember it like it was yesterday.
This was also the day I vowed THIS WAS IT!! I was done. I had spent a fair share of time between the Duval juvenile detention center, the Duval county jail and about four of Florida's finest hotels AKA prison facilities from 2006 to 2014. I have dealt with Florida's rendition of a JUST-US system from court dates and appearances, public pretenders, prosecutors to include the wicked witch of the South Angela Corey, body searches and scans, loud clinking doors that I was not allowed to move through one until the one prior closed AND $100 monthly for commissary, sometimes more. Thinking back now, I honestly do not know how I did it but I did. Right now, I am desperately trying to figure out how I did it as I think about how I could have been saving all of that money and how I can reenact that into savings now! Anyway, there I was learning about the system at the expense of my son at a very early age. A time were he should have been learning how to drive, going to prom, walking across the stage to get his diploma, playing sports, thinking about the next move after high school but he was doing everything but because he belonged to the state of Florida criminal system.
Most of you know but some of you are still in the dark ... as of February 22, my son is back behind bars. This time it wasn't nearly as tough for me, getting that call, as it had been in the past. He always reminded me he was grown and almost 30 so my thought was you got it Mr. Grown Man! I was good for the first few days but then I went downtown to walk the bridges, something I had not done in a few months but on this day, the one day I felt a real push to go, I was unable to finish. Why? Because I could see the Duval County jail from the bridge as I was crossing. I could feel the negative energy that place holds and it was pulling me down knowing my son is in there. My usual brisk, happy walk/jog turned into a slow stroll of weeping, tears and affirmations of how I was going to be ok with it all. I thought I was over this part. I thought I was going to be just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine WHEW (in MJB voice). I had finally put on my big girl mama panties and I was moving on is what I thought but all of the same old emotions that I felt in 2006 and 2009 came flooding right back. It had been a full week, 7 whole days (in Toni Braxton voice) and I had yet to cry but that changed quickly. Rafiki said "change is good". Right now I disagree.
Two days after his arrest, one of his daughters, MiJael, turned 8. His daughter, MiKaela, turned 1 February 10. He was there for the one year old birthday party but missed the older ones party due to his being detained. It wasn't the best day for my granddaughter and her tears broke me down even more. I don't think fathers realize how much of what they do directly effects their children.
I've been attempting to complete this blog since the day I walked the bridges, March 1st, and each time I would start I would begin to cry. Today has been the first time the tears did not take over. No matter how hard I think I am being and sticking to my guns of not getting involved it does not lessen the pain of feeling I somehow failed him. No I don't blame myself because I know I did the best I could to raise him right and provide a loving home life for him but I fear my enabling played a part. That is the part that hurts. A lot of us single mothers do not realize how much we enable our children until it's too late. At this point I can only speak life and positive vibrations into the universe for my son. I only create greatness in any and everything I do so my hope is that he gets it right after this set back. His potential for greatness is immeasurable so to the universe I say let him use this set back to increase the power in his come back which has only been delayed.
And to the Most High I ask for peace and piece of mind as well as the strength to remain focused on my goals and not allow this present situation to dull or stop my shine because this is my time!
The Unease of a Conceal Carrier
I have a question for my seasoned concealed carrier friends and family. I posed this to our gun owners group this morning but I would like to hear from others. How long did it take you to feel comfortable with carrying when you first started? Most people I know that carry are prior military or were around them growing up because their family were firearm owners so it's probably nothing for you, especially men. I am new to the conceal carry life, newly licensed and just recently purchased my second firearm. My M&P Bodyguard .380 (Redman) is my firearm for carrying because my M&P Shield compact 9 (Method Man) feels too bulky and heavy. #Redman and I were out and about today and I swear I felt like a target, a sitting duck awaiting something to happen and all eyes were on me. No you could not see my firearm, it was totally concealed but I felt like everyone could see it and I didn't feel any safer with it either. I had on a pair of jeans with Redman tucked safely in my sticky pocket holster which brings up another subject. When choosing a holster for concealment I became overwhelmed as there are so many ways to carry, from a purse or bag to on your person via a vest, waist band or pocket holster. Here are the choices I was torn between but chose neither. I can see the waist band coming very soon as I rock dresses in the summer and that pocket holster will not work.
In our group one of the members posted a few YouTube videos with incidents that involved women who carry. He did so in showing us women in the group how sitting in our cars once we arrive to our destinations or walking with our heads in our cell phones can be harmful to our well being. They showed how vulnerable we leave ourselves to an attacker. The women who carried in a purse ended up losing everything ... the purse which contained their firearm, wallet with identification, and house keys. At that point the robber can now come right to your house and walk in. Thank goodness no one lost their lives although one was pistol whipped pretty badly. So the point of this blog is two fold. 1) I want to find out from fellow conceal carriers does this feeling of unease or being a target while carrying last long? What was your time frame? 2) For my ladies, what is your choice of concealment for your firearm and why? Also if you have ANY tips please feel free to share.
Decluttering the mental vault
Last week, a good friend and I were conversing about marriage. We covered a wide range of marital topics from failed marriages, marriage being a business, old school marriages versus modern day marriages to the ever controversial side chick. This immediately sent me into the "WHAT MAKES A WOMAN WANT TO BE A SIDE CHICK" rant!! This ever evolving "moral compass" of mine went into high gear but then I had to come back to reality as I remembered I once occupied that position. When my husband and I separated, mid to late 90's, I knew I wouldn't be seriously dating anyone for awhile. We had two young children and I trusted NO ONE; there would be no strange men around my son and daughter. That was out of the question BUT what I DID know was that I had needs and they would need filling!
In knowing that I would not be committing to another relationship anytime soon, what would be my next move? EASY ... men who are already involved. Ones that could not be on my heels 24/7, could not spend the night, could not plan away trips, etc. This was the perfect set up for a soon to be divorced mother of two. Mind you, I was in my 20's with not one ounce of care about feelings outside of mine and my children!! Makes me wonder if my failed relationships in my latter years are a result of my wrong doings in my early years.
Anyway, back to the story ... if you were not involved I would not give you the time of day. That is just the way it was. My children did not need another father figure in their lives, they had one so I did not want a constant male distraction.
It took me 20 plus years to come to the realization I WAS A SIDE CHICK ... by choice but nonetheless a side chick. As this conversation with my friend progressed and my newly found "moral compass" was trying everything in its power to justify why women need to do better I overstood a part of why some do it. It bothered me to my core to think about what my past actions may have done to my life and possibly another woman's life. A few significant others found out and I was confronted on more than one occasion but I was no snitch. I admitted NOTHING. I was not looking to ruin anyone's life but simply feed my need. My response to them was always "what did he say? well that's what it is" OR "ask your man". It was just that plain and simple.
I actually tried to argue, during this conversation, that what I did is not like these "side chicks" today. It seems today's side chick is seeking main chick status. They are intentionally ruining lives, being petty and messy. I didn't let anyone know what I was doing and if he slipped up and said ANYTHING that sounded remotely like he was sharing our affairs I pulled a Phife Dawg!! "So I turned that ass away, quick like Chuckii Booker" ...
The point of this blog is simply to clear my conscious of my wrong doings, purge past actions that I feel hold me back. I looked down on woman who actively sought men who were involved as if I never partook, to you sisters I apologize. Who am I to judge? I would love to see you do better though. I didn't stay in that place but I was definitely there. Whatever your reasons are for feeling like a side chick is the "thing to be" just know, if you believe in and subscribe to KARMA it will come back on you. Even if you are able to "take" that man from his significant other, there's always a chance that he'll cheat on you as well. I've heard it said, the same you get him is how you can lose him. I believe a lot of the bad juju around my relationships in the past 10-15 years are a direct result of my past actions and that conversation with my friend just put it all in perspective for me. I don't know if this will help anyone or not but I know I had to get it out of my mind and off my chest.
#IrememberthatPain: Mother of An Incarcerated Son
Recently, I was headed to the state capital for some internship duties. The legislative session was in progress and I was about to see a part of this process. It was a great day, full of excitement and new things to learn. I couldn't wait to see it all in action. On our way there, we discussed the purpose of the trip, what we would be doing, who we were to see and the follow up process. During our conversation, we passed a white bus with very dark windows that were covered by bars. I knew that bus, overstood the scene and immediately, as I am doing now, began to silently weep. It was the bus that transports inmates to their next facility.
I remember vividly, when my son was incarcerated I would receive those letters or phone calls before a move was to take place and how I cried for days until I heard from him again. It felt almost like that first day of school with your child ... will the correction officers (C.O.) and other inmates there like him? Will they treat him well, fair? Has anyone from the previous facility called with a heads up about him? Be it good, bad, true or false? Will he be assaulted because he's new? Those are the things that immediately ran through my mind during that time. I can only imagine how the mother of any of those inmates were feeling at the time of this transport.
I needed to let go of what I had begun feeling inside, there was too much excitement in the air to be sad. I was heading to the state capital for a morning of learning but that too familiar lump in my throat had risen. You know, the one we get when we attempt to suppress a much needed emotional cry? Yea, that one and I struggled to keep the tears at bay but it was hard. For a little while, I was able to stare out of the my window to allow a few tears to fall and not be noticed. I am thankful for this internship being under the watchful eye of a good friend who knows about that part of my life. I believe he knew very well what I was doing as I stared out of the window that morning but he did not intrude.
You see, although my son has been home since June 2014, I still feel like he's away. I have watched him walk around physically free but mentally incarcerated and as a result our relationship has perished. I believe if he and I were in a better place I probably wouldn't be stuck on situations like a prison transport bus passing by almost 2 weeks ago but I am. I can't help thinking that had he not made that mistake in his life that we'd be in a better place, he and I, but (Kanye shrug) no need dwelling on the what if's because it happened and as a result I remember that pain.
30 Days of Thankfulness 2017 - Days 22 - 30
30 Days of Thankfulness 2017 - Days 20 & 21
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