Decluttering the mental vault

Last week, a good friend and I were conversing about marriage. We covered a wide range of marital topics from failed marriages, marriage being a business, old school marriages versus modern day marriages to the ever controversial side chick. This immediately sent me into the "WHAT MAKES A WOMAN WANT TO BE A SIDE CHICK" rant!! This ever evolving "moral compass" of mine went into high gear but then I had to come back to reality as I remembered I once occupied that position. When my husband and I separated, mid to late 90's, I knew I wouldn't be seriously dating anyone for awhile. We had two young children and I trusted NO ONE; there would be no strange men around my son and daughter. That was out of the question BUT what I DID know was that I had needs and they would need filling!

In knowing that I would not be committing to another relationship anytime soon, what would be my next move? EASY ... men who are already involved. Ones that could not be on my heels 24/7, could not spend the night, could not plan away trips, etc. This was the perfect set up for a soon to be divorced mother of two. Mind you, I was in my 20's with not one ounce of care about feelings outside of mine and my children!! Makes me wonder if my failed relationships in my latter years are a result of my wrong doings in my early years.

Anyway, back to the story ... if you were not involved I would not give you the time of day. That is just the way it was. My children did not need another father figure in their lives, they had one so I did not want a constant male distraction.

It took me 20 plus years to come to the realization I WAS A SIDE CHICK ... by choice but nonetheless a side chick. As this conversation with my friend progressed and my newly found "moral compass" was trying everything in its power to justify why women need to do better I overstood a part of why some do it. It bothered me to my core to think about what my past actions may have done to my life and possibly another woman's life. A few significant others found out and I was confronted on more than one occasion but I was no snitch. I admitted NOTHING. I was not looking to ruin anyone's life but simply feed my need. My response to them was always "what did he say? well that's what it is" OR "ask your man". It was just that plain and simple.

I actually tried to argue, during this conversation, that what I did is not like these "side chicks" today. It seems today's side chick is seeking main chick status. They are intentionally ruining lives, being petty and messy. I didn't let anyone know what I was doing and if he slipped up and said ANYTHING that sounded remotely like he was sharing our affairs I pulled a Phife Dawg!! "So I turned that ass away, quick like Chuckii Booker" ...

The point of this blog is simply to clear my conscious of my wrong doings, purge past actions that I feel hold me back. I looked down on woman who actively sought men who were involved as if I never partook, to you sisters I apologize. Who am I to judge? I would love to see you do better though. I didn't stay in that place but I was definitely there. Whatever your reasons are for feeling like a side chick is the "thing to be" just know, if you believe in and subscribe to KARMA it will come back on you. Even if you are able to "take" that man from his significant other, there's always a chance that he'll cheat on you as well. I've heard it said, the same you get him is how you can lose him. I believe a lot of the bad juju around my relationships in the past 10-15 years are a direct result of my past actions and that conversation with my friend just put it all in perspective for me. I don't know if this will help anyone or not but I know I had to get it out of my mind and off my chest.