"Am I Wrong" line dance

As a line dancer I not only learn them but I create them as well! This is one of my original creations to the great Anderson Paak's AM I WRONG from his MALIBU CD ... check out the video, learn it and then be sure to check out AP's album!

Long time coming ... How YOU doin'??

My oh my, where to begin! It's been a long time since I've posted a blog here, mainly because I could not remember my sign in credentials but secondly because life happened and continues to happen. Let me catch you up on a few things: 1) Dante' has been home for 2 years as of June 1 (with minimal trouble since his release), 2) I've "acquired" 25 lbs of the 50 lbs lost in 2012 (still exercising and eating healthy but not as much as I used to), 3) I live a Pescatarian lifestyle (a seafood dish away from vegetarian), 4) I've returned to school to complete my Bachelors in Communications/Public Relations (right up my alley), 5) I am counting down my time until the BIG 5-0 (4 years to go) AND 6) after 7 years of being single and 5 of those remaining celibate I decided to try love again ... AND IT FAILED!!

Let's start with Dante ... what can I say? I am proud of what he's attempting to do with his life (remain employed, stay FREE and pursue his music career) but there are things I would love to see him implement with a bit more sense of urgency. I won't go into his personal life because after all it is his but he knows what my issues are with him. Praying he can get it all the way together and by 30, if not before, can maintain a healthy life of and on his own.

The weight gain... YIKES!! I left the VI life in 2014 shortly after my son was released. It's been a rough road maintaining. I have to find another focus point to get me back on track. When I started back in 2012 my cardiologist recommended it for health reasons. Most of us hear that from our medical professionals all the time but ignore it. Had my son not been locked up and had 2 lovely little girls I'd probably have done the same but I knew they would need me. How would my son survive behind bars without me? How would my granddaughters know his side of the family without me? I had to make sure I was here to keep that going and once he came home it all went away. My heart seems fine so far and you'd think to keep it that way I'd act right BUT nope, that won't do it especially when I am up late studying and have those late night cravings. This all ties in with the Pescatarian lifestyle as well, no more animal meat just seafood, vegetables and other stuff. I joined the FitBit family so I am hitting those 13000 steps daily, most time it's close if not over 20K due to the line dancing. Being diagnosed with asthma in my 40's has been a mode killer as well. There's nothing worse than struggling to do what you've been use to doing all of your life ... BREATHING!!

That's enough for now ... I'll come back for the school, count down or up to 50 and the love life talk!! I have to study some more for today's exam! This Communications Law and Ethics class is something! This is the last week of school for this semester and I am taking the summer OFF!! California and NOLA travels are on deck and I don't want to have class assignments on my mind during my fun times!

Tootles until we BLOG again! I may even VLOG now ... who knows!

Happy Tears - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

There are ALL kinds of tears but the ones I love to experience are those of joy, HAPPY TEARS! I received a letter from Dante' today and I have to say I love his maturity level. He has come a LONG way and I pray daily this he sticks to this frame of mind when he is released. If he does I can see great things out of him and for him.

Even as he sits in solitary with nothing but a cot and a toilet and anything he was allowed to bring from his cell he STILL has an up beat attitude. I remember when he first began his sentence he was always so angry and spoke like the world owed him something. I enjoyed his letters to a degree back then but enjoy them all the more now that he speaks so positively. He's had such a negative spirit for so many years it's almost hard to believe this is my son but I know ALL things can be done through Christ. It's being done!

Back in the day I use to want Dante' to hang out with his sister and I all the time. He didn't want to go to the mall just to window shop, ride through the city just to get out of the house or go to a Jaguars game to get that NFL experience. My daughter was and still remains my ride or die but it looks like we may have a new tag along!

He has expressed how it's going to be movie time for MONTHS when he gets out. There are so many movies he wants to see and can think of no one better to watch them with then 'Velnette' herself. *laughs* That's my middle name, he's such a funny dude. He has requested cheese pizza with stuffed crust, cheesy bread and NO SODA! He requested that I not be drinking them either (I don't)!! He said whenever he thinks about chillin with me he gets to feeling like a kid again! His first day home, he wants Golden Corral and an Ex Lax! That truly cracked me up; put it in and push it out!

He then went into the how am I, how's mom outside of his affairs. He knows that he and his situation are time consuming but he wants to make sure I am enjoying my life in my down time. He was never this considerate and this shows growth. I am so happy right now to see how the Father is working on his behalf and in his life.

He has a 2nd mother, Lisa, that he mentioned. I am so appreciative of this here woman. When he needed that motherly advice that he felt he couldn't get from me, things he wanted to share that he felt he couldn't share with me she was his outlet. Some mothers would be mad but I am forever grateful, just as he is, for Lisa because I'd rather him have her in his corner than him to get what he felt he needed totally from the streets. He called Lisa an ANGEL and mentioned that she's been there since day 1 like they dated instead of he and her daughter. This does my heart well to know he has another mother in his corner. Thank you Lisa.

He than preceded to talk about how his father and I are getting up in age and when he gets out he wants to take advantage of the time missed. It's been a long journey getting those 2 together and I am so thankful that they've been able to talk and work things out. I can't wait to see them have a relationship, all sons need their father no matter their age.

I could go on and on with this letter but I won't, just know that right now the HOLIDAY BLUES have been over come with HAPPY TEARS ... our time is drawing nigh and I CAN NOT WAIT! 2014 truly has something for me, for us! All of these troubles began in 2007, it'll be 7 years next year ... the year of completion! It's all almost over! It's been an awfully long journey but as the light gets closer I am thankful because it has all made me stronger in self and stronger in FAITH!

Holiday Blues - Mother of an Incarcerated Son

I want to start by saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS to any and all who read my blog. I observe Christmas but in light of the diversity on the world wide web I strive not to offend anyone.

By now you know I'm the mother of an incarcerated son named Dante'. He is housed in a correctional institution in the upstanding JUST-US system of the great state of Florida (said with ALL the sarcasm I could muster). No, as I've said numerous times before, I am not disputing that my son should be there but those of you news watchers and readers know ALL to well why I mock this wonderful system in place here in the sunny state.

Dante's release date as of today is 07/08/14 but can be earlier with any gain time accrued. I can not truly contain my joy in knowing this'll soon be over nor can I hide the fear of what is yet to come for my son, the African American felon. These thoughts have marinated in my mind for about 2 months now and it has made this holiday season even harder to enjoy.

Days leading up to the holiday season were really tough for me, not only do I have an empty nest and an incarcerated son I am also single ... talk about a PROZAC moment!! No, I'm just kidding but it can be really stressful and almost depressing watching those you love and are surrounded by enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holiday season with loved ones and not be able to enjoy it that way. It's been the same every year since 2009 so I move on and get over it but it doesn't stop it from being a major thorn in my side or pain in my chest.

Dante' has been in solitary confinement since the week of Thanksgiving. It seems he has been in confinement for the past 2 seasons because our last holiday pictures together was in 2011. You'd think that since my son has been in and out of trouble for a while and in prison since 2009 I'd be over it but I'm not. I sometimes wish it were that easy but its so far from it and most will never understand unless you've been in these shoes.

I have a daughter, Deondrea, who returned home in 2010. I've not spent a holiday with her since 2009 and that just puts the icing on the cake of my Holiday Blues. Its funny how as parents when our children were younger we wish them out of the house but when it's time for the EMPTY NEST it is NO FUN!

I am extremely grateful for my 2 grand-daughters the Heavenly Father allowed Dante' to produce. It has been an absolute joy watching them grow which has also made this 66 month sentence fly by. Miss Daysha Michelle and Miss Mi'Jael Chaylea have been 2 of the best gifts I could ever be given. Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the 2 of them lifted my Holiday Blues for a little while but as always it comes right back. Looking at my grand-daughters knowing they are an extension of my son, seeing characteristics and mannerisms in them is a tear jerker for me. They are my little angels and I wouldn't trade my Vann girls for nothing in the world!

God willing, this will be the last holiday without my children, my family and the Holiday Blues will prayerfully cease to exist.

Mother Of An Incarcerated Son - OH WHAT A SCARE!!

As the mother of an incarcerated son, nothing grabs at your soul more than having an unknown number with the prison area code to call your phone. As I sat staring at the number my heart beat faster and faster, I actually began to sweat. When I answered it was a Mr Mathis from Baker Correctional Institution ... the prison where my son is housed. Now at this point all types of thoughts began running through my mind.

Earlier today, one of my good friends told me one of her relatives was killed in prison in GA recently. A few weeks ago a young man from Duval, who my son reminded me I'd met with his mother when they were both in D.D.C., was stabbed to death in prison. No, he was not housed in the same facility as my son but as a mother and knowing these types of things can happen is very frightening. My son has told me he's seen such incidents since he's been in prison and at these thoughts I almost began to hyperventilate. I had to check myself though because I have a Father who sits on high and looks down low so I began to pray. I asked my Father for strength to deal with whatever I was about to hear. Now reading this, it seems like a lot of time was passing but it all took place in a matter of seconds

After Mr Mathis gave me his name, I immediately asked "is my son ok, is something wrong with Dante'?" He responded quickly with NO Ms Tillman, nothing is wrong and he is just fine. I was calling to invite you out for FAMILY NIGHT on November 14 from 6-8 pm. Now y'all know I have to give myself an Albuterol treatment, right? I have worked myself up for nothing but that's the nature of this beast I am a part of for a few months more.

After a wonderful conversation with Mr Mathis and a moment of getting myself together I immediately went into action. I had to make sure I had a way to get there. The granddaughters are already in place of course and one of their mothers AND her mother are lined up to go. I just had to share how scary this ordeal really is for a parent, especially a mother. Children do not fully understand until it's too late that while they do time so do we! Thanks for listening and be blessed!

Mother of An Incarcerated Son - COUNTDOWN TO FREEDOM

GLORY GLORY GLORY ... we are ALMOST to the end of this story! I can't contain the excitement growing inside of me right now as I welcome August with open arms. August begins the ONE YEAR COUNTDOWN for my son's release and with gain time it could be even sooner! Lord I trust You and always have. Praise confuses the enemy so I am praising in advance! Next year ends the 7 years of HELL my family and I have been through when dealing with my son and his legal issues.

THANK YOU LORD! 7 is the number of completion and this journey is almost complete. I am BEYOND excited right now! Hopefully you all will join me as I complete this COUNTDOWN TO FREEDOM!

Mother Of An Incarcerated Son - Aren't you embarrassed?

I've been asked on a number of occasions how do I share so much of my personal life involving my son's incarceration and if I was embarrassed. I've been told by some parents of incarcerated children that some of their family members don't know of their child's situation. They think the child is away in college, visiting friends, etc etc. I pray anyone feeling like this finds comfort in knowing you are not alone in this world when it comes to loving and caring for an incarcerated child so there is no need to be embarrassed. It is indeed a very hard pill to swallow when you know you've raised your children to the best of your ability yet things like this still occur. I did have questions and the biggest question I asked when it occurred was "LORD WHERE DID I GO WRONG?"

I don't remember exactly how long I asked that question of myself and to the Father but it felt like an eternity but I do know as long as I continued to blame myself I could not find peace. There was no mental, emotional or spiritual peace in my life for the first few years of his sentence because I could not understand why my son choose the path he'd chosen and why GOD let it happen. It wasn't until I realized my Father had a MUCH better plan for our (my family) lives that I was able to let it go.

I've come to realize that most times it's not the fault of the parent and that everything happens for a reason. I know for me, my son needed to be shook before he was snatched off of this earth. I was an enabler and GOD had to work on me as well. At our last visit when my son and I discussed the Zimmerman verdict Dante' turned and said to me "I NEEDED THIS MAMA. I was living recklessly and it was either this or I'd be dead." THIS was a true wake up call for me because not only did my son show growth but he exhibited maturity. I'd never seen this side of him and I was more than pleased. The Father gives us choices and when we chose unwisely we suffer but HE never leaves nor forsakes us and guides us back to HIS arms. Thank you Father for Your GRACE AND MERCY!

These last 4 years have been a learning experience for my entire family and I thank GOD for the place HE has us in at this very moment. I pray strength and peace upon ANYONE who is going through this same ordeal because you will definitely need it. Anyone who is feeling embarrassed by the situation of their child I hope you pray that off because not only will your child need your full support but you too will need support. I know the Father has our backs but I also know I could not have gotten through this without letting go of some of the pain and other feelings to family and friends. Remember you are not alone and there is truly no reason to be embarrassed.