Mother of an incarcerated son - Why Am I Single

I was recently reflecting over the years when I was going through it with my son's incarceration and it made me wonder, is this why I have a tough time staying in committed relationships today?

From 2009 to early 2016 I dated no one and was actually celibate for about five of those years as well. Yes, I went on dates and spent time with a gentlemen or two but no one could put that "girlfriend/my woman" title on me. I just could not do it. Why you ask? Well, if it was one thing I learned it was you can't truly have a successful relationship with an incarcerated child, not if you are a single mother who is actively involved in your child's legal issues. I often wished GOD had given women the ability to "detach" like men; look at how easy it is for men to walk away from pregnancies and children after they are born. If I'd been able to do that maybe some things would be different in my love life but would I be able to live with myself today? I don't know how fathers and especially mothers, are able to just walk away from their own flesh and blood but that was the type of advice I felt I was being given in regards to my son. If I heard it once I heard it a thousand times how I was putting my life on hold for my son. He committed the crime and has to do the time so I should not be putting myself through ALL I was as a result of his doings. That was so much easier said than done unfortunately and those men were politely crossed off the potential list. One thing you DO NOT do is tell a SINGLE MOTHER what she should and shouldn't do for her children, especially her incarcerated son. That is a no no, especially if you are giving this advice unsolicited.

Hindsight is something else, I will admit. Now I understand a few of the points and advice being given but to be honest, as with any advice, it won't be received or acted upon until the recipient is ready for change. All of this was new to me: court dates, reference letters, judges, public "pretenders", pre-trial, sentencing and sending my child away. As a depression sufferer, all of these were major blows and it sent me spiraling down into darkness. I wasn't good with verbally sharing my feelings due to the crying spells that came along with it when it came to my son's situation so being single seemed like the best way to go. So why do I feel like the incarceration may have a hand in my being single?

No maybe, I WAS extremely hard on myself. I didn't think anyone would want to date a woman who did not have all of her stuff together at this age in her life with an incarcerated son who took up a lot of her energy and resources. Time and this painful experience caused me to be bitter and defensive; hence my inability to take any advice given. I felt I had no one in my corner through all of this so my defenses were extremely high. When acting on my defenses, with a healthy side of bitterness, the choice of men were sometimes less than my ideal relationship partner. I ended up with someone who wasn't and couldn't be there emotionally for me because they were too busy trying to tell me how to handle my issues with my son thus creating an unsatisfying "situationship". Please believe they did not last long.

I know age plays a factor in it as well, I won't put it all on the incarceration. I was 39-years-old when my son was sentenced to 66 months in prison with the big 4-0 right around the corner. I called that transition coming in to my NO NONSENSE age. Everything that looked and smelt like bullshit, after 40, WAS categorized as such. As the months went by and I continued to age, I noticed how deep I would retreat into my comfort zone or as we women call it, "set in my ways". That is definitely not a good look either. When I first entered my 40's, I felt like I knew who I was and I wasn't sure that I was someone who belonged in a serious relationship or marriage again considering all I had going on. As I look back at it now, I may have pushed away a great mate. I didn't allow any man to really get close to me before I ran him away. Rather it was some unsolicited piece of advice about my son's situation or the fact my defenses were up so high that the smallest thing turned me off and I turned him away, nothing seemed to last.

Now, 3 years away from 50, I can honestly admit I went about it all the wrong way. My last serious relationship prior to my son's second incarceration was really nice. We had far more pro's than con's. We still converse to this day and both agreed we should be married now but no need to dwell on could've, should've, would've because we aren't. Our relationship failed in part because once my son came home from county I catered to him more than I did my mate. The bitter, defensive, enabling mother returned and it killed the relationship. I look back on that often because it is a mistake I never intend to make again. My son will celebrate 3 years of freedom as of June 2017 and I have only dated once and had one serious relationship in that time. Every time I think I am ready those damn defenses go up. What will it take I wonder?