I feel like I am losing her ...

From the day I was called and told I was going to be a grandmother I have been all in. The day she decided to make her entrance into this world and the first time she was presented to the family, I was right there. Her first smile, first words, first show of her own personality, first steps ... yep I was there. As the years have passed I have watched her grow into such an amazing, interesting, extremely smart and entertaining young lady. It seems I spent all of my time with her but I know I worked and had a personal life ... or did I? I think she became my everything from the moment I looked at her.

Fast forwarding in life to the here and now. It is no secret to most how things have gone down when it comes to how my son has handled this situation when it comes to her. If you are a social media friend of his, that tells it all. As a parent it hurts like hell to see him dismiss her like he does, especially when I know I raised him to be better than the man who assisted in his creation (and not the man upstairs either). It amazes me to no end how much a child can carry characteristics of an absent parent; attitude, ways of doing things, etc. Genetics are simply amazing.

There was an incident a month or so ago where I had both of my beautiful angels.

We were in my room as always because that's my sanctuary and it's big enough where we don't need to go out into the rest of the apartment. I didn't know my son was in the apartment so when my door opened and MiJael saw her daddy she did what any little girl who has a father does ... she screamed DADDY and looked to Daysha and said "look sister, here's daddy" and that's when it happened. It all went down hill from there. I won't go into detail because some things just aren't meant to be aired out over the web but just know feelings where hurt, tears were shed, bad words were screamed as well as a request to leave NOW! Daysha was TRAUMATIZED! Not at what happened after but what did NOT happen causing the entire situation to explode like it did and to this day I am still hurting to my core. I have not ached like this since I went through labor or after any of my three surgeries. There is NOTHING like the pain of an innocent child, one who deserves more than anything the LOVE of her parent and I mean all the love she can take.

Had I known this would be what she had to look forward to in her life I would have NEVER AND I MEAN FXCKIN EVER taken her to any prison visits! She would have never known who he was if I could turn back the hands of time. To know a child has been hurt physically is one thing but emotionally and mentally leaves long lasting scars worse than anything physical ever could. As a result of this foolish as hell event my baby who I have been with since day one can no longer come to my apartment because her mother and I do not want to take the chance of her having to deal with that ever again. I am just above and beyond myself right now that I have a child capable of being what I would consider heartless, the same way I felt his father was when he left me. I have long since forgiven his father and moved pass that but it stings like hell to know he is turning out to be what he said he would NEVER be ... LIKE HIS FATHER!

Don't get it twisted, I love my son to life and nothing he does can change that but it doesn't stop the disappointment. It doesn't stop the tears. It doesn't stop my feeling like I failed him somewhere in life for him to act like he does. The thought of my granddaughters, both of them, and our relationships makes me cry. This crying consist of joyful and sorrowful tears. I think about how far Mi'Jael, her mother and I have come. Misty and I are finally able to communicate which I am so glad about, especially with her carrying granddaughter #3! Mi'Jael and I are finally able to bond and get closer. If you've read the blogs from back in the day you know this is NOTHING but a blessing from G-D! All great things come in time and this right here shows me that.

Then, on the other side, the one who I have countless pictures and videos of, countless physically undocumented moments (thankful for memories), my Daysha. Our relationship seems to be getting more and more distant by the day which is heartbreaking and to be honest I can't take it y'all. Let me clear the air for those aware and unaware, I love ALL of the grandchildren that I know of. (strong side eye) I treat them the same but there is a special bond that Daysha and I have, it is truly undeniable. This is because I was there from day one and did not miss a beat so never in a million years could I imagine that we would seem so distant now. Where I used to get pictures almost every day when I couldn't see her, I barely get any now. Where I used to speak to her several times a week, we barely talk now due to my crazy school and work schedules. Where I used to see her all the time, I barely see her now. Y'all know how I am about her so this isn't setting well with me at all. I am praying and believing that things will get better once I move so until then I just pray she doesn't forget me ... because that's how I feel right now.